[biashara]

Teejay and Petermaumau have said what is expected of a true Christian. I know this sounds naive but when one chooses to walk in faith you do not have much choice. Besides, blind faith sometimes is the only solution to the problems of this world. If you have seen God work in your life in the past,you'd know that if he was God then, he is now and always will be.
I guess if it's just bland without the violence, then one can only hang in there and hope that God will step in at the right time.

[Zelda]

>Teejay and Petermaumau have said what is expected of a true
>Christian.
>I know this sounds naive but when one chooses to
>walk in faith you do not have much choice.

@ biashara, i think there's a tendency among christians to believe that there's one true christian way of doing things. ukweli tu: interpretations of the scriptures vary. teejay's and petermaumau's opinions represent two of many possible "christian" approaches.

i didn't want to dwell so much on extreme examples, but i think i have to simply because there's many things going on out there that ppl don't want to talk about (out of shame) and these things affect marriage as a whole.

>Besides, blind
>faith sometimes is the only solution to the problems of this
>world.

sometimes blind faith helps you cross raging currents, lakini other times, it just isn't enough. some ppl make wrong choices for life partners. and sometimes its through no "fault" of their own. if someone grew up in a dysfunctional family, chances are they will end up choosing a partner who experienced the same: their new family will probably reproduce the same dysfunctional patterns that they grew up with. that's why alcoholism, and physical and sexual abuse are here to stay. even with strong faith in your heart, you cannot eliminate past traumas. they remain a part of your experience as a man or woman. some are fortunate enough to work through their difficult pasts and to build healthy relationships, many are not.

and what if you or your partner are mentally unstable? psychiatric disorders are common, and are often undiagnosed, especially among africans and african americans. i'm not saying that one should rush to get a divorce as soon as they discover that their partner is schizophrenic or manic depressive. the thing is marriage can be extremely stressful both for the person with the condition and for their spouse, and if they're not getting the support they need, telling them that marriage is a sacrament won't get them very far. if any church is interested in seeing marriages last, then they have to do more than pay lip service to the holiness of marriage.

i do not advocate divorce except in extenuating circumstances; after all, marriage is a big deal. but i think that the option should exist as a way out for people who really need it.

>If you have seen God work in your life in the
>past,you'd know that if he was God then, he is now and always
>will be. I guess if it's just bland without the violence, then one >can only hang in there and hope that God will step in at the right
>time.

:) i think there are very few bland marriages, my friend. violence kando, marriage is often accompanied by many other serious challenges.

in kenya, christianity is mostly viewed as the woman's domain. many men want to marry christian wives because they want someone who will uphold the values of a christian union, but they themselves do not intend to live by those standards.
so you will find women who are actively involved in church, and have been since their youth. on the surface, their marriages (to fellow christians) are strong, stable, examples that everyone else should live up to. just below the surface, it's another story: their husbands have mistresses, 2nd wives, and children outside wedlock. and then there are the sexually transmitted diseases. some of the husbands completely ignore their financial responsibilities to their wives and children which is especially a challenge when they are the ones who control the purse strings.

what do the husbands have to say for themselves? nothing. noone asks, because their actions are "normal". most churches don't question these patterns. and so, the stability and staying power of their marriages is completely dependent upon the wife's unquestioning submission. on top of that, the children of this couple are watching their parents, and learning behavior patterns that they will reproduce in their adulthood. imho, by silently standing by, the church helps to destroy the institution of marriage.

btw, these are not hypothetical situations that i'm just using to make an argument. they're things i see happening to fellow kenyans and they appear to be very common.

religion's a work in progress. sometimes the past does not have good answers for present problems. so we should make an active effort to come up with solutions that actually address the problems we live with. ndo maana i say it's not enough to cite rules and prohibitions when problems come up.
i don't want to be that person who rattles off the 10 commandments when someone approaches me with their problems. i would like to actually help them to work through the problem using practical steps that allow them to maintain their dignity.
if faith is to be meaningful for us living on earth today, it has to be practical.

so i think the solution is not turning the other cheek. the solution is intervention. the best model for this that i can think of is the alcoholics anonymous 12 step program: 1st of all, you have to open a dialogue with your partner, and then admit that there is a problem in the marriage. polepole, step by step, you both take responsibility for the problem and you work at it together...