[okiedokes]

More info. is needed like how long you have been together? There are some aspects of one's past that one may not be comfortable sharing so soon either because it is shameful, or they feel guilty about it. In fact, it is advisable not to reveal too much too soon but at some point it is best to come clean. It is best to define yourself, before such acts define who you are.

So my thinking is may be she has gotten to the point where she feels comfy being open and honest with you about almost everything. She probably feels secure in the relationship now, so it will be in your best interest to leave the lines of communication open. If you get judgemental at this point, she won't reveal any other info. Just try to be cool about it, but if you have concerns ask questions but be careful how you go about it. Please discuss it out of bed, LOL.

Remember, her past is her past and you have yours too. About her ex, make it clear you are not happy about her keeping in touch with him and she lying to you. Let her work to earn your trust. There's something about us women, we hang on to things or men that are not positive to our lives. *sigh*

You said he's asian right? So it could be the "bush faller syndrome" affecting her in which case if you looking for something serious, it might be time to part ways if she doesn't change.

[Ester]

You all have articulated so well exactly what I wanted to say. In my opinion, the fact that your gal is coming clean is to show you that she's beginning to take your relationship seriously. Why else would she bother to reveal her past to a short-term fling?? I know I wouldn't...

[Tactician]

Originally Posted by okiedokes

More info. is needed like how long you have been together? There are some aspects of one's past that one may not be comfortable sharing so soon either because it is shameful, or they feel guilty about it. In fact, it is advisable not to reveal too much too soon but at some point it is best to come clean. It is best to define yourself, before such acts define who you are.

So my thinking is may be she has gotten to the point where she feels comfy being open and honest with you about almost everything. She probably feels secure in the relationship now, so it will be in your best interest to leave the lines of communication open. If you get judgemental at this point, she won't reveal any other info. Just try to be cool about it, but if you have concerns ask questions but be careful how you go about it. Please discuss it out of bed, LOL.

Remember, her past is her past and you have yours too. About her ex, make it clear you are not happy about her keeping in touch with him and she lying to you. Let her work to earn your trust. There's something about us women, we hang on to things or men that are not positive to our lives. *sigh*

You said he's asian right? So it could be the "bush faller syndrome" affecting her in which case if you looking for something serious, it might be time to part ways if she doesn't change.

Thanks.

To answer ur question, we have been 2gether for like 5 months now but we got spent lots of time together at the start. we could stay for 2 - 3 days mfululizo together - I was on holiday and she was visiting one of her relas. However then, i was just passing time with her in and out of bed and did not even think it would get serious. Its only after we parted for like 1 week when I started missing her vibaya.

About feeling guilty and ashamed, I must say i sense that in her - thats why she says she has never told even her current best friends. In fact, the chic loves kids too much and is worried that somehow if she never gets kids its cos of her abortion.

When she told me i agreed that thats her past and there's nothing i can do about it. I have not been judgemental - in fact i have encouraged her to talk to me cos i better find out such stuff from her than hear about it cos then it will be over btn us.

My main worry - especially since it was out of the blue - is that she could be telling me this as a way of breaking us apart? As in she wants to leave lakini instead of telling me to my face she wants me to dump her saying i cannot have a chic who's had an abortion? Am thinking of this more cos this Asian guy is apparently leaving for his home country next month and she could be leaving with him?

And a clarification about this other jamaa - when we first met, she soon told me about him as in they were together halafu the r/ship was suddenly truncated after he went back home ie they did not exactly break apart. Its only now that she confesses that the jamaa was always in nairobi just that he was and has been too busy for her and now he is really going home next month.

I also noticed something funny ie that when i met some of her closest buddies (4-5 chics) about a month ago, her interest in me increased significantly. Could this have an effect on what's happening now? I need some female perspective here - only them can tell what this chic is thinking....

Lastly - what is a bush faller? educate me...

[okiedokes]

Tactician...you raise some worrisome facts there. Have a heart to heart with her. Start by telling her how much you care for her(will make her less defensive, and more forth coming) but that you want to discuss some things that bother you and you'd appreciate her honesty. Ask her if she intends to travel with the asian dude? She would be shell shocked, but hey, you need to know right?

If she messing with you, you need to know and not waste your time when there's someone out there waiting for a dude like you.

I still think she may have told probably b/c of guilt though one never knows, and ofcourse thinking that it is enough to make any man dump a woman. Society has wired this into our heads you know. But guess what, if you don't leave her, then she just might realise how blessed she is to have you. But please, don't hang on to the relationship if you don't feel right about it.

She seems to be planning to "visit" you in the same time frame as when dude is travelling so it makes sense to be suspicious. How about you ask her to come visit you instead in 2 weeks(b/c u miss her) and if she comes ask her to visit again in 3-4 weeks after that? That way, the guy is gone already and if she plans to leave with him, she won't make it to week 5 in Nai right? Her responses or excuses might give some insight.

About her showing increased interest when you met her friends, ofcourse she wants to make sure her friends don't do a displacement reaction on her while she is distracted by this other dude. One thing about women is, love us but don't make us feel u will die without us, because most women will exploit it to the max. Also, never make the mistake of letting us think you can do without us. Confusing huh? That's why it's kind of a lose-lose situation b/c most men are left confused.

What makes her think this man will start taking her calls all of a sudden? Again, the weird wiring of us women i have never understood. Travelling with a man who doesn't call/take your calls isn't exactly what I call wisdom. If your gut instinct tells you something is still amiss after discussing with her, then it might be best to sever ties now before you get really hurt later.

"Bush faller" is anyone who has gone abroad, or has foreign status per se. So "bush faller syndrome" will be her thinking of the benefits she will have like going to Asia, seeing another country and also attaining the "bush faller" status.

[kenyansenorita]

Originally Posted by Tactician

We were in bed recently with my gal and just out of the blue she started confessing stuff...

She told me that she had an abortion like 4 years ago when she was in school. I had not met her by then.

Only the jamaa responsible, his sister and her best friend then are aware of this - none of her paros or her present galfriends know.

Now am wondering, what on earth inspired her to tell me? I had never asked her about stuff like that - she just started telling me storos and was crying like a baby when she told me that.

I of course was taken aback as i didnt expect it but i comforted her and told her that I cant change what happened years ago and i still penda her the way she is which is the truth.

Secondly, on the same night she confessed (again without me asking her) about her ex (another one).

She had been lying to me that she had cut communication with him. But this night she confessed that they had been talking kila siku on the fon but she is not interested in him as all he does is talk and is too busy to see her unlike me who sees her every 2 weeks or so (she lives in a different town from me)

My question to mashada ladies is - what would drive you to confess stuff like that especially when its so personal and there's no way of me finding out? Especially since she was in a diff country when she aborted and the jamaa lives like 500km away from me?

And about this ex, why would she lie to me and confess now? May be she wants me to know there's compe ama?

The reason am asking is that this chic will be coming to visit some of her relas in my town and we had planned that she will stay with me for some time...

Of cos after these revelations am wondering what else she could be hiding from me....

and could she be doing these so as to test me? or perharps scare me so that i can leave her?

Mashada ladies, where are you? what could be going through her mind? I have tried thinking lakini only a woman can know what a woman thinks ama?

thanks

The girl definitely loves you and thats why shes opening up to you like this, she probably wants you to know her inside out bcoz she can see her future with you, about the ex, i guess she feels the need to let you know they talk so that you don't get pissed off when you find out one day, and if she's cheating with him i dont think she'd tell you anything. Thats a nice open person, i think you should reveal your secrets too instead of questioning hers, thats is, if you love her as much as she does.

[al-zalzalah]

Originally Posted by Tactician

Mashada ladies, where are you? what could be going through her mind? I have tried thinking lakini only a woman can know what a woman thinks ama?

the first confession, i get. it means she wants you two to be emotionally close, and wants you to really know her. shows that she trusts you.
the second one... kwanza has she cut off links with the guy or does she still talk to him daily? if she's cut off links she pendas you and wants to build your relationship. if not then she's a confused gal, and she's going to take you down with her.

i'm thinking she's feeling empty inside and has been taking refuge in relationships to avoid thinking about the emptiness. alas, the emptiness and guilt have caught up with her and she's having to confront them.

don't be planning to move in together or anything like that soon. take time to know her and to understand her intentions (6 more months to one year). it sounds like she doesn't take time to transition between guys (i agree with what somebody else said on the same subject) and that's risky.

[al-zalzalah]

Originally Posted by grip_daddy

Why would one reveal the past? Either because she is making up with her ex, and she wants you to do the booting. Or, she wants a next level relationship.

so wise and true.

Originally Posted by YB*

Thats another red herring to me, huyu mtu ulikuwa ume mpa your heart and access to other 'paraphernalia' in and on your body, the least you could be is friends. All my exes are friends, and my partners ex is my drink buddy (dont worry - we dont broach some subjects, and yes I knew him after she introduced us, we became friends) deals with the cheating bit.

hehhehheh. you generalize too much.
obviously you've not been reading the threads by the people with psycho galfies and boyfies. forget friendship! sometimes you just have to run for the hills!

anyways, kuna bad breakups. not everyone can remain friends. for me the alarm bells ring when the person makes all the exes sound like shetani and himself/ herself sound like a poor victimized angel.

[jungunijinga]

I'm glad you clarified that you wanted women's opinions. And I do sure hope that you stick to them!! Once again we can clearly see that our ways of thought are just too different. The men are all thinking negatively of the whole situation, whereas we the girls, who feel your girl, are telling you that all she's screaming out for is a stronger relationship.

Is that how you men perceive women every time they open up to you? That there are some red flags flying? Or is it the many experiences you've all been through that somehow make you believe that there's no good in women any more??

Nyanam, am female

[ar_turr]

@ poster,i can relate to ur story in one way and another...
One thing you shd understand is that she was attached to the chut' maybe even more than u think,most likely you ARE the other man,a hang on just in case the Asian decides to come back & get it on with her.Most likely he knew more abt you than you did about him.she sounds like one who's mourning,reality about the chut's leaving is sinking in and you being the plan B,she ends up desperately unleashing such 'info'.she maybe studying you or waiting for your decision~make or break!!!!
Pls note=to her you are convinient,easy and available,ready for USE.but as for the asian fella....she loves and now his leaving gets her stranded emotionally,she's mosdef insecure nowonder her behaviour after your meeting her friends......maybe wanaambiwa wewe ni by-pass!



Before i give my suggestions,one question

What do you want from her?

[grip_daddy]

Is that how you men perceive women every time they open up to you?

Is that how you women perceive yourselves every time you open up? The thing is that the opening up must be viewed from all angles and reasons leading to such opening up carefully evaluated.

When someone suddenly props up with a sensitive issue, without prior information as to the intentions, such opening up is mischievous. Why cant women book a convenient time for heart to heart talk? Mind to mind reasoning?

That there are some red flags flying?

It is called mental approach to issues. Everything has two sides and must be weighed in a neutral balance.

Or is it the many experiences you've all been through that somehow make you believe that there's no good in women any more??

Yes, and no.

Last time I checked, women needed men with lots of experience and no need to complain about it.