Women: Absolution of the past

[YB*]

Ester your r/ship with GD not withstanding, I will use a statement you made on this thread Guys would you??...n you chics wld u accept?? (the last post on the page) to further an argument, I respect your relationship, Your post could mean many things and could only be privy to you 2, but I will take it as I see it, so excuse the assumptions, and keep in mind this is not about you.

This has happened to me and it has always left me wondering why it happens. How comes women apologise to men over the prior trespasses, (before meeting their current men).

I once had a galfriend who confessed to me about her extremely colourful sensual life and the kind of odd characters that she regretted to have been entangled with in the first place, it was a moment of sharing and I guess I shared my experiences too.

What surprised me was, she did what I inferred earlier by Ester response, she asked me for forgiveness of something she did before I met her!! I really sorta understood the nature of the request because of the bonding factor, but that left me with some questions, you know, it seemed she had not forgiven herself (assuming she had anything that needed forgiving), she needed me to say it was alright, she felt burdened by it and needed to let me know so as to be open, It coulda been a lot of things.

Are there women here, who in that very moment of weakness justified your actions to a potential mate or even spouse without it being solicited??

Have you apologized past wrongs to a man, probably because you think sooo much about this guy that you feel you wronged him in the present though the ‘wrong’ was in your past?? (funnily you probably did not do anything wrong, its just that you know he doesn’t approve)

Is this what they mean when they say, try and have sex in marriage with your life partner, then you will not have guilt nor need for absolution??

And usually there is a saying that goes, even a b.itch will one day meet her match in a man, so will she have the same issues, of feeling guilty of her past??

[grip_daddy]

Let me add an angle to your post, and this has nothing to do with Ester and me.

Consider if for the sake of winning your love, she presented a clean past. I think due to that pretence of which the current burden rests, she should surely seek forgiveness.

Most of us pretent to our soulmates, creating images that are considered acceptable by them we love. After being together for a while, and after realising that the past haunts too much, we would want our mates to know who we really are.

So I think past sins, if especially we lied about them in order to get acceptance, are worth confessing.

[YB*]

Originally Posted by grip_daddy

So I think past sins, if especially we lied about them in order to get acceptance, are worth confessing.

Grip i understand that part of confessing and coming clean.
The part am talking is "asking/begging forgiveness!!"

This woman did not know me before, and had every right to do what she wanted or what satisfied her.

[grip_daddy]

Still on Ester's post that brought this question, I would like to add to my post above for advice on one element that can be of help in dealing with guilt arising from past misdeeds.

Everyone has a Mr/Miss Right they would want to click with. Most of the times we dont live our current lives to the standards that the Right person would love or consider emulating. So as not to miss the company of this Right, we opt for lies and dishonesty, which would always haunt.

It is important for us to always be who we are, our real selves. I have seen that most people live happily and free with past bad girls/boys, so long as openeness is given its rightful place.

On guilt that you have shared, the word forgiveness is used to imply an understanding from the other party. If I was inhuman, a robber, a rapist, whatever, and before the relationship goes far I want to clarify, I would feel the need to seek forgiveness. This forgiveness is different since it is not really forgiveness per se, but rather I would like to know that my past, however ugly it was, is clearly laid open and the party with whom I'm sharing appreciates it. She might be scared, afraid, disappointed by me, but her forgiveness assurance assures me that after all, I am still accepted.

[itchyfingaz]

most women are bound by two words: purity and filth. they struggle to be pure so much so that when they fail, they think the whole world is the jury and therefore the need to convince of their purity.
they actually ask for forgiveness when they encounter a man they consider against all kind of filth. shilingi yangu moja

[sdolphin]

You are so burdended with past transgressions that you find it hard to forgive yourself. So in seeking forgiveness in others your are more or less saying, "Please tell me its not that bad or that i'm not a bad person."

Then maybe you would feel it wasn't so bad, but that feeling of relief would be short lived seeing as you can't forgive yourself and nobody else can do it for you.

I always say the past should stay there. Unless of course, if the past is impacting on the present r/ship then by all means share.

Peni mbili.

[grip_daddy]

Originally Posted by YB*

Grip i understand that part of confessing and coming clean.
The part am talking is "asking/begging forgiveness!!"

This woman did not know me before, and had every right to do what she wanted or what satisfied her.

I hope my previous post somehow tackles this (sorry I separated the two). To me I think it is important to seek forgiveness, but as said, this forgiveness is a way to feel understood, still accepted, loved, and appreciated. We never know how people may react to our short comings in the past, and bragging about those misdeeds, or just stating as if nothing big really happened, may send a bad message to your listener.

Humility of the soul and spirit when talking about past wrongs is the best way to signify that we didn't like what happened. Such humility is best done by seeking forgiveness for the sake of emotional and mental peace.

[Fraglante]

Are there women here, who in that very moment of weakness justified your actions to a potential mate or even spouse without it being solicited??

Without it being solicited? NO.However, its important to bear in mind that he may solicit indirectly.He may not even know he is soliciting. During those ‘bonding’ sessions, one gets to learn quite a lot about the likes and dislikes of the other from what they say. If you are keen you can read a lot between the lines. They may never say ‘I hate xyz’ but out of the abundance of the heart so the man speaketh… When he repeats something over and over even though its done unconsciously in every day conversations, I feel like blurting out ‘ok ok I did it. Am guilty as charged’

That’s when you get 'that look'. But you cant stop, you go on and on and on about that ‘xyz’ that you did. And because you know at the back of your mind that he doesn’t like it you find yourself trying to justify it and eventually even seeking forgiveness even though you know he will never blame you for anything you did before you met.

It just happens. Not that you decide to sit him down and give him your history. Or that you are having problems forgiving yourself. That’s not the case you just want to be in his good books.

Have you apologized past wrongs to a man, probably because you think sooo much about this guy that you feel you wronged him in the present though the ‘wrong’ was in your past??

With reference to the above. Yes I have done it. Of course when am apologizing for the wrong in my past I am not doing it because when I was doing it I knew it was wrong but rather am doing it to fit into his way of seeing things. It may not be wrong to me but if it is wrong to him then by all means I want to be right by him.

Is this what they mean when they say, try and have sex in marriage with your life partner, then you will not have guilt nor need for absolution??

Probably.

And usually there is a saying that goes, even a b.itch will one day meet her match in a man, so will she have the same issues, of feeling guilty of her past??

Maybe yes maybe no. It all depends on the man. If what the ‘b.itch’ did in the past is wrong by him she will have the same issues with him. If its all good by him …. They will have a ball reminiscing and sharing experiences.The man is the one who will make her feel guilty in most cases.

Oh and let me add this:
The man in question better be the future husband! Under no circumstances should a woman go disclosing her past ‘mistakes’ to every potential mate. She is entitled to her secrets and under no circumstance should she feel coerced by any Tom, D.ick and Harry. If she does, then she has a problem. She has deeper issues.

[nyanam]

[QUOTE=YB*;664741]
Are there women here, who in that very moment of weakness justified your actions to a potential mate or even spouse without it being solicited??

its happened before, sometimes you dont even give it a thought, you just find yourself blurting it out. normally happens when you've found this great guy who almost perfectly fits your dream guy.

its kind of a mutual thing. you want to be open cos this guy is being open to you. guys know how to summarise their past but a woman will judge herself harshly considering the society plays a role in criticising her every flaw.

i wouldnt term it begging for forgiveness but rather like sdolphin said, its trying to make this person let you know that its ok to err.
afterall, what happened in the past cannot be erased. it should remain there. like someone once said, the past has no place in the future.

Have you apologized past wrongs to a man, probably because you think sooo much about this guy that you feel you wronged him in the present though the ‘wrong’ was in your past??

that feeling of wronging a guy in the past comes when you believe you are going to be with a guy long term. then you start thinking that some of your flaws may effect his 'perfect' image towards people in his life.

notice how a woman who aborted in the past feels guilty when she cant give birth? she feels she has wronged this man beyond repair.

[Type R]

Do I want to know?

I live in the here-and-now, unless she's got some disease from her past trysts... then that's an issue. Otherwise, one-night-stands, if she slept for money, orgies, woke-up-drunk-in-a-strangers-bed, dated psychos, don't tell me and I'll never ask!!! As far as I am concerned, your a pure angel, honey.