[m kenya]

Originally Posted by sdolphin

I think i know what the above are trying to say. I don't necessary think its about getting a job or going back to college. I think she needs to slow down until she's emotionally stable cos im sure her mum has had a negative effect on her and she may be looking for someone to fill the void. Not that she's doing it intentionally.

She doesn't need to get married now (she' 23), stay with the guy but wait until they've dated for awhile.

Good arguement sdolphin....

now tell me, should she invite the mum for the wedding? After stabilizing?

[Delylar]

Your friend needs an emotional detox first before she can commit to a marriage based on your current & previous posts about her life. Her 'ghosts' are still so fresh and chances are that they'll come alive soon after the vows if she goes ahead with it. 9mths is too short a time to make that kind of commitment. The real man in him is yet to surface and he may just turn out to be an exact fit into the same mess that she's trying to run away from.

If she chooses to tie the knot then she should invite her parents. Let her take the high road of maturity, with no expectations whatsoever, and let them do their part. Inviting them will also make a statement to her partner about her family, that no matter how messed they seem, they are still a family. Hopefully she hasn't shared the dirty linen with him coz he might - read WILL- use it against her down the lane.

[t.D.A.]

If she's in the diaspora, my advice would be at the very least to tell her dad. If not tell her relatives at home. She will need family to fall back on when the relationship is going through the storms.

[al-zalzalah]

Originally Posted by m kenya

Are you saying that working and going back to school have a therapeutic effect on her situation? You seem to be intimating that if she got a job and went back to school (your signs of stability) then that automatically makes her more "not prone" to blundering in a new relationship?

I agree that time out and counselling will make her a better person, however what if the boyfriend is supportive of the above issues? Takes her for counselling, helps her get back to school...doesnt that cover that?

School and work alone are not therapeutic, but for a young woman who is struggling to be independent, achieving in those areas will make her a stronger and more self-confident person. Above all, they will buy her time to heal her emotional wounds and to figure out whether she is ready to marry.
If her mother was as abusive as you say, then she has a long way to go. She’s going to need time to learn how to assert herself in relationships with other people, including her fiance.
It's good if she has a supportive boyfriend. Delaying marriage for a while will allow their relationship to grow stronger and help her work on some of her deeper issues first. If she goes into marriage as a completely dependent person, that will be a huge strain on the man and on their marriage. It's better they go into marriage as emotional equals.

Anyone can blunder in a relationship, Mkenya, even people who have their act together. I’m not suggesting that if she follows this advice the relationship will be perfect. The relationship could be a disaster, but even so, if she learns to fend for herself first she will be able to stand on her own two feet and carry on. If she gets married before she has learnt to be independent and confident in her own abilities, then any crisis may bring her down.

[sdolphin]

Originally Posted by m kenya

Good arguement sdolphin....

now tell me, should she invite the mum for the wedding? After stabilizing?

By then her options will be easy, for her atleast. Who knows, she might even decide she doesn't want to get married just yet (don't be surprised). You see by then she will be coming from a good place emotionally.

Once you know your mind, life's decisions aren't so hard whether your right or wrong. If you're wrong, you learn and then move on, but in her situation any wrong move could be paralysing for her. This applies to everyone in any given situation be it work, friends, family.

If she chooses to invite her mum, she will be able to lay the ground rules and stick by them. Think about it. In your day to day life you have set boundaries and people know not to cross them cos you won't put up with it.

Anyhoo that's just me and my peni mbili psychology 101