[sheilam]

I need advise on a relationship issue from all the mashada relationship gurus out there (I'm new to this forum)....
I have been seeing this guy for a quite awhile now he lives here in NY although we do not live together we are very close and spend most of our free time together.....but I have a problem. He is talking marriage and all but i have been keeping the fact that I have a terminal illness that I have hidden from him, since I don't want to worry him. it is nearing the point that I might need a transplant in the future, how far, I don't know but it is getting worse. I really love him and I would love to spend the rest of my life with him.
Is it fair for him to deal with a terminally ill wife and yet he is still very young? should I tell him or what? When we started going out I had planned to keep the relationship very non committal but who the hell knows what happened. He talks about having kids and I'm not sure if I can carry a full term pregnancy. pls help!!! I know he really loves me too

[Whitehead]

Kwanza girl Pole sana. You sound like a strong person and I wish you the best as you battle your illness. Isn't it ironic that you are battling a terminal disease which is life-threatening yet you cannot muster the courage to deal with the trivialities of a relationship? Look at it this way. He is not God. The only two possible outcomes is that he will be supportive and you two together will work something out or two, he will run away in which case good riddance to a flake.

I always find that when you want to reveal "inside" information, booze helps a lot hehehe..but in your case it might not be healthy to be taking booze. Anyways you can write him a letter if you can't tell him in person.

Personally I have found that when I meet someone I tell them the worst things about me first and thats usually a way to weed out the chaff. My current dude, on our first date I laid my cards on the table and gave him an option to walk out and I thought he would but I was surprised he was so into me and you know what, there is so much trust in the relationship. Even my close friends know the worst things about me I always make a point of telling them and you will be surprised how supportive people can be.

Secrets will kill you faster than a terminal disease. All the best.

[milanya]

Tell the poor jamaa...it is not fair to build a relationship on a lie. He may still stay by your side and even support you instead of you gong through it alone. You may be right that perhaps a young man trying to be with a terminal woman isn't the best situation, but you have no right to make that call. How would you feel if one day the jamaa came and said 'I don't think you'll like my secret so it's over'. Let him make the decision.

I hope you are ok hun'

[chotadipo]

The advise from Whitehead and Milanya look good. Two things I would like to differ with are

@ Witehead, sometimes it is not the best thing to reveal everything about yourself especially on the first date. People are not alike, some may exploit your vulnerabilities. I think the best way is to way the situation if it warrants it.

@Milanya, I think it is selfish of her to tell her boyfriend about her situation, but let him make the decision. This is blackmail. A good lover should give her partner an exit. When breaking such news, you should not put it in such a way that you appear like forcing him to sympathise with you. You should make him believe that you are strong on your own, that you will manage without him, but that you will not stop loving him.

@Poster, the two gals have given you sound advise. What I'll add is that you should divulge your situation at the soonest. The longer the worse it becomes.

[milanya]

Chotadipo, all she should do is break the news and tell him she understands if he doesn't want to stay. It is not forcing him to sympathize. Her deciding on her own that he doesn't want to stay is what I'm against. He has a mind of his own. How is that blackmail? She's not going to say I have a disease so you must stay with me. If he decides to stay out of guilt that is his own fault. in this forum we have a jamaa staying with an Hiv+ chic. He chose to. What if the chic had decided herself that he doesn't want to stay bila consulting him? Some of you may say he would be better of, but let him choose.

[Zelda]

@ sheilam, pole sana dada.
i can't begin to imagine how difficult your situation is.

all i can do is repeat milanya's advice to you: tell him.
it's only fair to you both. if yours is a mature relationship, and if you love each other, then honesty is critical. you can't shield him from the truth. in fact, shielding him from the truth would ultimately hurt him more; because hatimaye the guy is going to know the truth, if not from you, then from someone else.
it is not for you to decide what he can cope with. you have to let him make that decision himself.
and it's not right for you to have to live a lie when you are most in need of your close ones' support. you're already shouldering a heavy load, don't take up another burden in the name of protecting your boyfriend.

[Whitehead]

Chotadipo

Of course you have to use good discretion. I only reveal things that I think will be points of conflict later....a stitch in time saves 20.

[reggie_woic]

tell him and hang on to life for as long as you can.
oh, and make the absolute most of what time you have left.

pole.

[crazy boo]

just tell him...but not over the phone ama email.one on one.If you marry him bila telling him, he will always say you decieved him.Just place everything on the table and if he wants to cont being with you fine,if not then well life continues....sucks but well life continues.

Pole abt your illness.

[m kenya]

>Chotadipo, all she should do is break the news and tell him
>she understands if he doesn't want to stay. It is not forcing
>him to sympathize. Her deciding on her own that he doesn't
>want to stay is what I'm against. He has a mind of his own.
>How is that blackmail? She's not going to say I have a disease
>so you must stay with me. If he decides to stay out of guilt
>that is his own fault. in this forum we have a jamaa staying
>with an Hiv+ chic. He chose to. What if the chic had decided
>herself that he doesn't want to stay bila consulting him? Some
>of you may say he would be better of, but let him choose.


Mmmmhh..milanya, i think if u diluted that jus abit, the part where you say "she understands if he doesn't want to stay" now from a guy's point, if a chick says she will understand if he wants to leave, it pre-empts that ka-tension and soul searching and freedom that accompanies the time of making the decision of whether to leave or not. It could be like you are teliing the guy, "i will be fine" if u leave. That is the ideal. But in reality, no one wants their lover to leave them when they've divulged a potential weakness,we would want them to understand, not leave.

Ok chotadipo was way too much on the left,by calling it blackmail, its not and i agree with you.