confused in Oklahoma

kanyabu · (#1 (**permalink**))

I have a question to y'all mashadites and before start matusi read carefully and don't feel obligated to answer if ur answer won't help me. I am seeing this guy who live in a different state. I'm really smitten and I want this to work but there is a problem. when we started out about 8 months ago he called all the time, I get to see him every month (we alternate visits)he come to OK and I go to Bama. I know that he really loves me but our phone calls are getting scarce and scarcer. I really don't have to talk to him everyday (although I'd love to)Im not sure what to think and I don't want to nag him about it and on the other hand if we keep it this way I'll get bored and lose my feelings for him and I don't want that either.I'm in a bind thinking that he is getting too comfy with what we have or he is not interested anymore. It's a long distant relationship and like a fire, if you don't stoke it on a regular basis then the embers die. should I talk to him or just move on with my life. p.s he actually want me to move in with him. please help.

Okwang · (#2 (**permalink**))

I think you just answered your own questions. If you don't stoke the fire, the embers will die out. Move in? What do you want? Are you moving in for marriage? Or just for the in house intimacy? Does that supercede your job? your friends? Why can't her move in with you or move closer to you? Figure out what you want and make a decision.

milanya · (#3 (**permalink**))

I've heard this about a gazillion long distance relationship. I have been in one where it felt like love to end all of loves but it ended. This is how it goes:

When you are parting, it seems so hard, so unfair, 'how will I live', promises of 'I'll write you everyday'

For the first week or so you move mountains to stay in touch, sleep late, wake up before dawn even contemplates arriving, rack up high phone bills, write dissertation-length e-mails etc

Afterwards, life and sacrifices start to catch up with you. Especially if you have time difference between you. So all those late nights and crack of dawns pile up and you are exhausted. One day for some reason or the other, one of you can't communicate. The phone was cut off, it got so late you fell asleep waiting, you were somewhere bila cell signal. You get a good night and realize I can survive 1 day bila talking to you.

Then after this epiphany, everything goes. I'm tired tonight. No vibe. I'm going to a party, no vibe. I don't have time to write a long e-mail, so you get comfortable. All relationships pretty much go through a 'comfortable' stage. You've just got to realize and wake up before it's too late.

The most dangerous thing is when you're in the comfortable stage and then you meet someone of the opposite sex. Who is there to 'comfort' you while you are lonely. This reminds you of what you are missing. The rest is history.

Talk to your jamaa, see if he wants to continue the LDL or not. The fact that he asked you to move in with him indicates that he is not happy with the current situation. It is time to assess your values and make a choice. My personal choice would be to not move in with a man I'm not married to. Why? Because theny you get comfortable and soon you're saying 'Do we need a piece of paper to validate our relationship?' Plus why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? So look at your values and how u feel about him. Perhaps the two of you will decide to continue the LDL and put more effort into it, or you'll decide to live with him, or you could move to the same town or state or wherever to your own place.

kanyabu · (#4 (**permalink**))

@okwang
moving in with him is not something I want to deal with right now but in the future, maybe.and at this rate I'm horribly confused. my job and friends are things that I can work around if need be. the future with him is not a problem right now but getting to that future. like i said how do I deal with this problem without being a nag or seeming desperate? coz desperate I'm not.

Okwang · (#5 (**permalink**))

Kanyabu,
Wow, unanizungusha with your words. I think Milanya's last paragraph summed it up rather neatly. Having said that, because you like this guy, and it seems that the commuting isn't really affecting your wallet; I'd say that you should let the relationship progress at its own pace. You are not in a hurry to get hitched nor are you desparate so lets see what the road holds. There isn't a formula unfortunately. People are different. I know of a couple who met, moved in within 3 months and are now married with 2 kids. This is the time to rely on your morals and gut feeling. Why are you confused though? What is the rush? Where's the fire?
If all else fails, PRAY for DIVINE guidance. It works.

Skeedo · (#6 (**permalink**))

@Kanyabu:

I think a cardinal rule when it comes to dating is to never move because of the other person; unless you are headed for marriage which will be held in a week's time after moving.

Moving means re-arranging your priorities and leaving what you had already built to start over again. If it's mean't to be, it will survive the long distance.

As such, keep yourself prioritized, stay in school and enjoy the awesome ride of finding out who you really are as a person.

http://www.rhettsmith.com/blog/archi...nker-thumb.gif

If A is a success in life, then A equals x plus y plus z. Work is x; y is play; and z is keeping your mouth shut.

Albert Einstein

milanya · (#7 (**permalink**))

Skeedo I don't know if I necessarily agree...someone may argue if it's meant to be then starting all over again in a new town won't be too much to ask.

@Poster...how long have you guys been together? Have you ever lived in the same area ama it has always been LDL?
Life's not a garden so don't be a hoe

chotadipo · (#8 (**permalink**))

...If all else fails, PRAY for DIVINE guidance. It works....

Did you mean DEVINE? I know a DEVINE here in Mashada who can surely answer her prayers. DEVINE holla if you read this.

m kenya · (#9 (**permalink**))

>I have a question to y'all mashadites and before start
>matusi read carefully and don't feel obligated to answer if ur
>answer won't help me. I am seeing this guy who live in a
>different state. I'm really smitten and I want this to work
>but there is a problem. when we started out about 8 months ago
>he called all the time, I get to see him every month (we
>alternate visits)he come to OK and I go to Bama. I know that
>he really loves me but our phone calls are getting scarce and
>scarcer. I really don't have to talk to him everyday (although
>I'd love to)Im not sure what to think and I don't want to nag
>him about it and on the other hand if we keep it this way I'll
>get bored and lose my feelings for him and I don't want that
>either.I'm in a bind thinking that he is getting too comfy
>with what we have or he is not interested anymore. It's a long
>distant relationship and like a fire, if you don't stoke it on
>a regular basis then the embers die. should I talk to him or
>just move on with my life. p.s he actually want me to move in
>with him. please help.
>

My advise is for you to let it die, becoz if u go into overdrive to stoke the embers, ala fone calls etc, it will be cosmetic, coz its not coming from your gut,you are just hoping that he will pick a phrase and the high tempo will resume as before. It wont, it doesnt.
Its not always bad to let it die, coz the death is not temporary.Your relationship is entering a new phrase, where the lenses of emotions are off, and reality is setting in. Its not a bad thing. But it will call for you to start communicating from your gut, and him from his.
You are just getting real with each other, the emotions are wearing off. You are not divorcing, and there is NOTHING wrong with either of you. You are just accessing a higher plateau, in the 'getting together game', namely going beyond "appearances and pleasing each other".
For once, drop the program, drop the "pre-arranged" ways of doing things.The times for calling, the date for meeting, just drop those 'programs' that initially brought you together. Get him to sample you in your daily routine of school, work, gym, etc. Go do otherwise, sample him during his days in, when its all natural and stuff. That way, the rosyness will dissapear and you will strive more for "understanding" based on love.
I dont think your relationship is ending. I think you have been strong enuff to move to stage 2.

But Milanya what is LDL..Long distance what?
Poster which state is Bama? Never heard of that...
lastly, is this your first time, or is this a multiple handle?

crazy boo · (#10 (**permalink**))

>@Kanyabu:
>
>I think a cardinal rule when it comes to dating is to never
>move because of the other person; unless you are headed for
>marriage which will be held in a week's time after moving.
>
>Moving means re-arranging your priorities and leaving what you
>had already built to start over again. If it's mean't to be,
>it will survive the long distance.
>
>As such, keep yourself prioritized, stay in school and enjoy
>the awesome ride of finding out who you really are as a
>person.
>

seconded to the 11th power. NEVER NEVER NEVER move for a jamaa esp if you're still a student.Get you stuff right,graduate etc. Moving destabilizes you in a very huge manner.