Would you leave him? -
06-10-2005, 05:34 PM
Ladies, seriously kabisa though, would you up and leave your man if he cheated? Hear me out, no chest thumping or knee jerk reactions please. If he was everything you wanted, was always good to you AND his straying was just sexual AND he apologised over and over,..would you forgive him and stay with him?
Here is an article from the Nation:
**********************************************
He strayed, I forgave him
Story by SUSAN NJOKI
Publication Date: 06/11/2005
SUSAN NJOKI on wives who choose to remain with cheating husbands
Nancy was six months pregnant with her third child when she discovered that her husband Matthew was cheating on her. A 'caring' soul had sent her an anonymous text message informing her of the affair, and proceeded to cite the different 'joints' where the cheating couple usually met.
At first, Nancy, 34, was devastated, and she could literally feel her heart breaking and her entire body crumbling in pain, but something else in her hoped it was all a lie. She knew her husband, and trusted him completely. Nothing in Matthew's mannerisms when with her and around the house showed that he had itchy feet, and after a while, she chose to disregard the message, declaring it the machinations of a jealous woman.
"In fact, I began to treat him better," she said. "That message made me appreciate Matthew more. He was the father of my three children and as far as I was concerned, nothing could separate us. We loved each other."
Matthew's support for his pregnant wife became more intense towards the delivery date, but as soon as she back home with the baby, his attitude changed in less than two weeks. "He had never done that with our two other children, so I was a bit surprised, but what surprised me more later when I began to reflect about this incident was how I blamed myself for his behaviour and literally bent over backwards to please him when he spent time at home with us."
A financial controller with a local insurance company, Nancy was not a pushover. She knew that men had a tendency to cheat on their wives, but like most wives, she believed that that only happened to other women. She trusted Matthew. So it came as a rude shock to her when, after resuming duty following the customary two months maternity leave, she caught her husband red handed.
"Whoever had sent me that anonymous text message earlier sent it to me again, and this time I decided to act," she recalled. "My best friend agreed to hang out with me in those restaurants, and we caught my husband and the woman in the third week.'
In an angry fit, Nancy went home, packed Mathew's bags and left them outside the house. "When he came home that night, I told him to seek alternative accommodation for a while I thought about our situation."
In the four months they were apart, both Nancy and Matthew had time to sort out their problem and in the end, appreciated each other's values and reconciled. "I was so angry at him for cheating on me, especially when I was pregnant with his child," Nancy recounted. "But I forgave him with time and welcomed him back after he apologised for his behaviour, and suggested we go for counselling. I did that because, at the end of the day, I still loved Matthew, and probably always will. Through counselling, we worked out our grievances with each other and discovered a new approach towards handling each other, whatever the circumstances. Our relationship is that much stronger and our family more cemented."
Infidelity is not a new concept. In fact, it has plagued society since the beginning of time. Handling its existence however, is what makes the difference between individuals and societies at large. Patriarchal societies in general chose to address infidelity by allowing men to marry more than one wife. Thus, by legalising adultery, men were allowed to spread it around at will, sometimes even marrying tens wives and maintaining numerous concubines. Even the wisest of men, the biblical King Solomon, was envied for his large harem, as was King David who, even went as far as taking another man's wife thereby causing tragedy in his own family.
Interestingly, while the Bible and other religious and historical books recount the sexual exploits of men - who are often placed on pedestals - rarely do we get to hear the voices of women and their reactions to their husband's philandering ways. Many women are forced to accept their 'situation' and welcome second wives into their homes. Such women present 'politically-correct' facades to please society while they seethe with anger, pain and disillusionment, not realising that with their collective silence, they unwittingly endorse the practice.
Even Hillary Clinton, the former US president's wife has her own tale to tell about consciously choosing to stick with a cheating husband. Her husband Bill Clinton's sexual escapades with White House intern Monica Lewinsky are well documented. Many people expected Hillary to leave after the much-publicised affair but she weighed her options and stayed.
Even locally, many are the wives who will stand stoically by their husbands when they are taken to court by women with whom they have fathered children. But just why do these women stay?
Jennifer, one of Kenya's leading 'thirty-something' socialites, has her story to tell. Before she got married nine years ago in a glitzy affair in one of the city's exclusive hotels, she had always maintained she would leave her husband if she so much as smelled another woman's perfume on him. But when it did happen, she didn't leave. Why? For the most basic reason; to protect her social standing.
"When I found out about my husband's affairs, I was livid," she recalled. "I caused daily tantrums in the house, even in the presence of our two children, and even worked towards them hating him as much as I did back then."
But in the face of her anger and bitterness, Jennifer, a business woman, realised one critical factor - she was not ready to leave Dennis, her husband. 'We'd been together for so long that life on my own as a single woman just did not seem appealing," she explained. "I toyed with the idea of leaving Dennis and totally cleaning him out so many times that by the time I made the decision to stay with him despite his roving eye, I knew why I was staying."
For Jennifer, Dennis' infidelity was not the only issue to consider. Yes, he had betrayed her confidence and trust in him and would probably never gain it back, but there were other matters to consider besides her hurt feelings. "I did not want to be a divorcee," she said. "All our friends seemed to have solid marriages, and even when they had problems, they seemed to solve them amicably without too much drama. I didn't want to be the only one in the group whose marriage had failed. Also, I have a large client base, many of them my friends and people who generally respect me and hold me in high esteem. I didn't want them talking about me and speculating about what had happened to destroy my marriage. I know all this sounds self-centred and flimsy, but for me, they were real concerns, so I chose to stay married. Believe me, there are many women out there in miserable marriages that are just sticking it out just so they can continue being called Mrs so-and-so. It gives them a sense of respectability and social acceptance."
In the end, I stayed for my own selfish ends. Dennis is staill taking care of me and the children," says Jennifer. The money I would have spend doing this can now all go to my business.
Maintaining a semblance of happiness is no mean feat, but Jennifer has managed to pull the wool over people's eyes for the past two years. "We hardly talk to each other in the house, and when we do, it's about the children. In public however, we pretend to be a loving couple. I know Dennis still sees other women on the side, but I stopped caring a long time ago and now only focus on my business, which is doing very well since I started giving it most of my attention."
No doubt, there are many women who can feel Jennifer's pain, but similarly they have all discovered there are many ways of skinning the cat. Ask Hilary Clinton or Whitney Houston and even the late Jackie Kennedy Onassis. They all had their own share of grief trying to cope with their husbands infidelities.
Women will remain with cheating husbands for various reasons. It could be for political gain, the sustenance of a lavish lifestyle, for the sake of the children, for simple companionship that is devoid of sexual tension and demands, the fear of going back into the playing field and starting to court all over again, and for stability.
"It's all very easy to imagine how you'll leave your husband as soon as you discover he's cheating on you, but until it happens to you, this is when you will realise that all the talk is just idealistic, rhetoric nonsense," said 42-year-old Anita.
A 'glorified' housewife, Anita maintained that she fully understood her position in her husband's life and was not in any way ready to shake her life's tranquility. "I'm not about to disturb my home's calmness and that of my five children just because my husband maintains a mistress," she explained. "I know who she is, where she stays and I understand what she provides my husband with. After my third child, I lost interest in sex. I became an occasional sexual companion, and I guess I was not really surprised when I found out he was cheating on me, but I was not willing to cause a scene because of it. If anything, I was secretly relieved that he no longer felt the need to regularly demand sex from me. This other woman allowed me to have a well-deserved break, and so I let the affair go on."
Nonetheless, Anita felt the need to make her stature noted and appreciated. "My husband James is a successful businessman," she explained. "When we got married 15 years ago, he asked me to resign from my job. I was an air hostess back then and I agreed, because I believed in families staying close together. I didn't want to be flying around the world and leaving my husband and children behind, so I joined my husband's company and helped him build it into the success it is today. After our second child, I stopped working and chose to become a housewife."
As a housewife, Anita was able to ensure James' comfort in all ways possible, and they forged a routine which they both enjoyed. "He fulfils our every desire," said Anita. "He's very loving to us all. Every weekend we go out on outings as a family without fail. We go out on holidays around the world twice a year, and during this time, we get really romantic and loving. He still buys me presents, and never forgets our wedding anniversary, our birthdays and other special days we share. I have my own car and help him with the business when I can. We are partners in every way, so when I confronted him about his mistress, he didn't deny it, but he told me that it was only a fling, that it was all about sex. We came to a tacit understanding about this. This other woman is James' weekday adventure, and he knows I understand this, and is careful not to be seen by our mutual friends and acquaintances as this would embarrass me. We attend all social functions together as a couple or as a family. At the end of the day, I'm his wife. I'm his stability and security. He's never going to leave me for her. Should he die before me, then my children and I are the ones who will inherit all his wealth and succeed his business. We shall not be responsible for her needs, and I hope she understands that and accepts her position for what it truly is."
*******************************************
It was sunny and the bunnies came out to play.
|
Linear Mode
