[koumba]

Free Oranges

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"



spoilers go ahead....inform me how old the joke is...

[koumba]

A Bit Nostalgic

Peter met Sharon in a nightclub.

They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the evening Sharon invited Peter to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together.

Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other.

After a short while, Sharon began tenderly stroking Peter's manhood. Surprised but appreciative, Peter comments, "Surely you can't be ready for more already?"

Sharon replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and I miss the days when I had mine.

[mahatma]

Dear Alcohol,


First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours.
As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect
post-work beer, a glass of wine on the weekend, you're even around in the holidays, or hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings.


However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:


1.Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of
substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me
call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do
not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the
night?


2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest
that I eat a kebab, a butter chicken curry along with a sausage with
cheese, onion and mustard (washed down with WINE & topped off with a
Kit Kat after a few sweet chilli and sour cream red rock chips)? I'm
an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.


3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to
do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue
home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the
black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day
are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45
seconds to get the front door key into the lock.


4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting
ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's
debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is
completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the
proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products,
aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the
kitchen
floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no
way interfere with my daily activities.


Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would
like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker
of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed
companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in
my pockets.


In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review
my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an
answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible
solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,
Your biggest fan

[koumba]

http://www.geocities.com/deadryce/agquotes2.html
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Crazy Quotes!
Below are some more quotes from movies, internet, friends, and books. Enjoy these crazy and humor filled beauties. ^_^


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"You're not crazy, you're going sane in a crazy world!"

"Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss."
~Douglas Adams, So Long, and Thanks for the Fish

I used to be sane, but I got better.

I have a grip on reality--just not this particular one.

We're all in this alone.

Think you're confused? Wait until I explain it.

Mad: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.

Some mornings it's just not worth gnawing through the straps.

I made a mental note and now I can't remember where I put it!

I think, therefore I am dangerous.

"I have a firm grip on reality. Now I can strangle it."

Sometimes the facts fail to correspond to known reality.

He can't be insane, I've never seen him at the meetings...

I came, I saw, I had no idea what was going on, I left.

All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.

Don't let your mind wander, it's too little to be let out by itself.

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

I met some crazy people. They made me their leader...

I tried to contain myself, but I escaped.

Didn't I meet you in some other hallucination??.

Never question authority. It doesn't know either.

Some of my best personalities are crazy!

El toro loco: the crazy lawnmower.

Today has been one hell of a week.

One man's insanity is another man's vision.

I live in a world of my own, but you're welcome to visit.

Fun is taking you to the edge of insanity, then pushing.

Being normal isn't one of my strengths

My next nervous breakdown is dedicated to you.

Life is a Highway .....and I feel like Roadkill!

The irony of life is that no one gets out alive...

5 out of 4 people are schizophrenic

I think. I think I am. Therefore I am... I think.

I feel happy! I feel happy! I feel ha..

I'm not afraid of death! What's it going to do? Kill me?

Quick, pick a color from 1 to 10.

"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana.... The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are."

"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph."
-Shirley Temple

"Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than money."
-Joey Bishop

Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now, blue-green meat, that's REALLY BAD for you.

You spend your whole life believing that you're on the right track, only to discover that you're on the wrong train.

"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain."
-Lily Tomlin

"Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair."

"On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars."
-Bruce Willis (On the difference between men and women)

"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane. Either you have diarrhea, or you're eager to meet people who do."

"The more I study religions the more I am convinced that man never worshipped anything but himself."

"I know Kung Fu, Karate, and 47 other dangerous words."

"Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid."

"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman." -Maryon Pearson

"I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night."
-Marie Corelli

"You been drinking the cough syrup again?"
-Michael Cohen (The Forbidden Game Trilogy by L.J. Smith)

"Wasn't it Satre who said hell was eternity spent in a room with your friends?"
-Michael Cohen

"This isn't much of a game. No reset. It's win, lose, or die,"
-Michael Cohen

"Reality, has teeth and claws. And sicne that's true, wouldn't you rather be one of the hunters than one of the hunted?"
-Julian (Forbidden Game Trilogy)

"You and your damned, damned fruitcakes!!"
-Jenny Thorton (Forbidden game Trilogy)

"Dagaz." Rune of change. "Thurisaz." The horn."Gebo." For Sacrifice."Isa." Primal ice. "Kenzaz." Primal Fire."Raidho." Traveling. "Uruz." For piercing the veil between worlds.
-Jenny Thorton (FGT)

"Nothing really dies as long as it's not forgotten."
-Julian (FGT)

"How many times must I say it? You are my familiar, not the head of my guild! You are bound to my service and you will do as I say."
-Morgana Shee

"Fight them with what?! Jujitsu? Tae Kwon Do? The force?"
-Janie Hodges-Bradley

"What do they do with the people who do run from them?"
"Run them till they drop. The stories don't agree about what happens if they catch you. I only know that sorcerei get out of the way fast if they hear the Fava-Se-Ra. That's the opening bars of the hunting call."
-Alys & Janie

Ever notice that 'What the hell' is always the right decision?
-Marilyn Monroe

**friends dont let friends drink and take home ugly men**

**I ran into my ex the other day.... put in reverse, AND HIT HIM AGAIN!!!**

he broke my heart, so i broke his jaw

Mystify people with your intelligence, and if u cant do that, mystify them with your B.S.

Did it hurt when I fell from heaven? No, but it hurt when they clipped my wings for being the devil.

Ociffer, I swear to drunk Im not God!!!!!!

*~*~*~Star light, star bright, where the hell is Mr.Right?*~*~*~*

Ur jealous cause the voices are in my head¤

~*Everyone keeps telling me that the right guy will come along...I think mine got hit by a bus.*~

Shoot For The Moon
We say we love flowers..
yet we pluck them.
We say we love trees..
yet we cut them down.
And people still wonder why
some are afraid..
When told they are loved.
-Unknown

"My only friend is a CRAB!! This is a sad day for Kendale."
-Kendale

"No matter where you go, there you are."

"Sometimes you get shown the light in the strangest of places if you look at it right."

"We are what we pretend to be, but we better be very careful what we pretend."

Children aren't happy without something to ignore, And that's what parents were created for.

Imagination is more important than intelligence.

No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings.

It is just Me, or are Myself and I crazy too?

"Love is a temporary form of insanity"

Is that it, Dad? Did the penguin tell you to do it?"
-Billy Madison