[YB*]

HE: Can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like
yours.

HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share.

HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE: Okay, get out.

HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why? Don't you already have one?

HE: Shall we go see a movie?
SHE: I've already seen it.

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.

HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.

HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.

HE: Your body is like a temple.
SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.

HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest
dreams.

[YB*]

Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techo-
geek.

"Hey, bud, how are ya?"

"I'm good. Hey, congratulations, that new secretary of yours is
beautiful!"

"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!

"No way, how could that be?"

"Way! She's the latest Office Robot from Japan. Lemme tell you
how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation.
If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter. And that's not
all, she can have sex, too!"

"Holy s.hit! You're kidding, right?"

"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow
her"

So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with
her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming...

"Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"

The guy says, "S.hit! Perhaps I should have told him that her arse
is a pencil sharpener!"

[privateloan]

Good morning my dear brothers and sisters in Christ, I am Mr Blair James, a reputable, legitimate and accredited money lender. I loan money to people in need of financial assistance at 3% interest rate. Do you have a bad credit or are in need of money to pay bills? Let me take this medium to inform you that I assist beneficiary reliable as I'll be glad to offer you a loan.Please write with the below information. After the reply, you will be sent a loan application form to fill. (There are no credit check, 100% Guaranteed!) I hope you will allow me to be of service to you. Sincerely. Contact us via email: (privateloaninvestment1@yahoo.com) with the Applicant Information below:
Full Name;Country:Amount Needed;Monthly Income:

[Alja]

Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Yes, I love you.
Girl: But, do you really love me?
Boy: Yes, I really love you.
Girl: But, do you really, truly love me?
Boy: Yes! Yes, I really, truly love you! I would die for you!
Girl: You’re always saying that, but you never do it.

[Tripple Seven]

Flying is hours of boredom, punctuated by moments of
stark terror.

Truly superior pilots are those who use their superior
judgment to avoid those situations where they might
have to use their superior skills.

Rule one: No matter what else happens, fly the
airplane.

The propellor is just a big fan in the front of the
plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it
stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.

No one has ever collided with the sky.

If you're ever faced with a forced landing at night,
turn on the landing lights to see the landing area. If
you don't like what you see, turn 'em back off.

Never let an airplane take you somewhere your brain
didn't get to five minutes earlier.

If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger,
if you pull the stick back they get smaller.

Every one already knows the definition: a good
landing is one from which you can walk away. But very
few know the definition of a great landing: It's one
after which you can use the airplane another time.

Helicopters can't really fly — they're just so ugly
that the earth immediately repels them.

Sorry folks for the hard landing. It wasn't the
pilot's fault, and it wasn't the plane's fault. It was
the asphault.

What's the difference between God and pilots? God
doesn't think he's a pilot.

Airspeed, altitude, or brains; you always need at
least two.

There are three simple rules for making a smooth
landing: Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.

Jet and piston engines work on the same principle:
Suck and squeeze, blow and go.

The three most dangerous things in aviation are a
doctor in a Bonanza, two captains in a DC-9, and a
flight attendant with a chipped tooth.

What do you call a pregnant flight attendant? Pilot
error.

[Tripple Seven]

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"


Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"


A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute..."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.

[Busy]

Originally Posted by Tripple Seven

Flying is hours of boredom, punctuated by moments of
stark terror.

Truly superior pilots are those who use their superior
judgment to avoid those situations where they might
have to use their superior skills.

Rule one: No matter what else happens, fly the
airplane.

The propellor is just a big fan in the front of the
plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it
stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.

No one has ever collided with the sky.

If you're ever faced with a forced landing at night,
turn on the landing lights to see the landing area. If
you don't like what you see, turn 'em back off.

Never let an airplane take you somewhere your brain
didn't get to five minutes earlier.

If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger,
if you pull the stick back they get smaller.

Every one already knows the definition: a good
landing is one from which you can walk away. But very
few know the definition of a great landing: It's one
after which you can use the airplane another time.

Helicopters can't really fly — they're just so ugly
that the earth immediately repels them.

Sorry folks for the hard landing. It wasn't the
pilot's fault, and it wasn't the plane's fault. It was
the asphault.

What's the difference between God and pilots? God
doesn't think he's a pilot.

Airspeed, altitude, or brains; you always need at
least two.

There are three simple rules for making a smooth
landing: Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.

Jet and piston engines work on the same principle:
Suck and squeeze, blow and go.

The three most dangerous things in aviation are a
doctor in a Bonanza, two captains in a DC-9, and a
flight attendant with a chipped tooth.

What do you call a pregnant flight attendant? Pilot
error.

hahahahaha, that was hillarious.

[sugarNspice]

I love this joke. Having a lot of Kenyan friends it rings so true to me...lol.
Hope no one is offended.


A family in Wangige got simply puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother arrived from the US. It was sent by one of the Daughter.

The dead body was very tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space left in it when they opened the lid; they found a letter on top addressed to all her brothers and sisters:

Dear Kamau, Waweru, Wanjiru & Peter,

I am sending mom's dead body to you, since it was her last wish that she should be buried in the compound of our ancestral home in King'eero, Kenya

Sorry, I could not come, all of my paid leaves got consumed.

You will find inside the coffin, under the body, 5 cans of cheese, 10 packets of chocolates, 8 packets of biscuits and few items for Kids. Please divide these among all of you.

Near the body's feet, you will find a new pair of Reebok shoes (size 10) for kamau. There are also 2 pairs of shoes for Wanjiru's and Waweru's sons. Hope the sizes are correct!!

Mom is wearing 6 American T-Shirts. The large size is for Kamau and rest you can decide.

The 2 new Jeans that mom is wearing are for the boys.

The Swiss watch that Peter wanted is on left wrist.

Mom is wearing the necklace, earrings and ring that Wanjiru asked for. Please take it.

The few pairs of white cotton socks that she is wearing must be divided among all the Nephews.

Please distribute all these above items fairly & equally. Yours loving sister, Njeri P.S.: If anything more needed, let me know soon as Baba is also not feeling too well now a days...

[sugarNspice]

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do.
I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do.
He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man
with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

say two Hail Marys!

[sugarNspice]

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York
City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions
at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the
value of the product increases as the shopper ascends the flights. The
shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go

up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit
the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good
Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good
Looking and Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead
Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes on to the sixth floorand the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no
men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are
impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
Please leave the building.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner also opened a
New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited.