[carolecarole]

A man was heading home after a drinking spree. When he was approaching
his home ,armed gangsters blocked him and took command of his vehicle.
On frisking him they failed to get any money .

out of frustrationdecided to punish him by driving into his compound and tying him naked up a tree which was situated at the corner of his house and left him there naked while his hands and legs were tied to the tree.-
they then took off.

In the morning his worried wife woke up only to see her husband naked on
the tree with his manhood dangling.

she screamed and ran to call the
villagers since she thought the man was either dead or crazy. when the
villagers came, they immediately untied him and brought him down.

The man immediately ,armed with a stick went straight for the young calf
which was grazing and started hitting it badly and when villagers protested he said" you have no idea what this calf has done to me the whole night;
the
calf had mistaken his manhood for the mothers tits and tried to suckle
milk the whole night without success-or was it successful?.....

[Alja]

Originally Posted by carolecarole

A man was heading home after a drinking spree. When he was approaching
his home ,armed gangsters blocked him and took command of his vehicle.
On frisking him they failed to get any money .

out of frustrationdecided to punish him by driving into his compound and tying him naked up a tree which was situated at the corner of his house and left him there naked while his hands and legs were tied to the tree.-
they then took off.

In the morning his worried wife woke up only to see her husband naked on
the tree with his manhood dangling.

she screamed and ran to call the
villagers since she thought the man was either dead or crazy. when the
villagers came, they immediately untied him and brought him down.

The man immediately ,armed with a stick went straight for the young calf
which was grazing and started hitting it badly and when villagers protested he said" you have no idea what this calf has done to me the whole night;
the
calf had mistaken his manhood for the mothers tits and tried to suckle
milk the whole night without success-or was it successful?.....

Umm, inaweza kuwa dama alifurahia hiyo vanilla

[Alja]

Lesbian

At a party a Kalembe sees a beautiful girl and invites her to dance with
him..

Kalembe : Can I dance with u?
The Girl : I'm sorry im a lesbian..
Kalembe : Its ok its ok.. I'm a Kibwezian

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Marriage

Kalembe's Girl Friend: I'm one year older than you....will it bad for our
marriage?

Kalembe : No, not at all.....We'll marry in next year

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Hidden Camera's

Mrs. Kalembe caught Kalembe searching high and low all around his living
room.

Mrs. Kalembe: 'What are you searching for?'

Mr. Kalembe: 'Hidden cameras!'

Mrs. Kalembe: 'And what makes you think that there are hidden cameras
here?'

Mr. Kalembe: 'That guy on TV knows exactly what I am doing. Every few minutes he keeps saying, 'You are watching KBC channel 1'. How does he know that?'

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Relaxing

Kalembe was enjoying the sun at the beach in Mtwapa. A lady came and asked him, 'Are you relaxing?'

Kalembe answered, 'No, I am Kalembe'

Another guy came and asked him the same question.

Kalembe answered, 'No! No! Me Kalembe!'

A third one came and asked him the same question again.
Kalembe was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place.

While walking he saw another person soaking in the sun.

He went up to him and asked,

'Are you Relaxing?'

The other man was a lot more educated and answered, 'Yes, I am relaxing.'

Kalembe slapped him on his face and said,

'Stupid, idiot. Everyone is looking for you and you are sitting over here!'

[Alja]

Heaven

Kalembe died and went to heaven.

When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules are in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain Â
admittance each soul must answer two simple questions:

1. Name two days of the week that begin with 'T'.
2. How many seconds are there in a year?

Kalembe thought for a few minutes and answered.

1. The two days of the week that begin with 'T' are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.

Saint Peter said,

'OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow answer, even though it's not the answer I expected. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year?'

Kalembe replied, 'Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc...'

Saint Peter opens the gate without another word.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The Wash Basin

Kalembe goes to a hotel in Machakos and eats heartily.

After eating he goes to wash his hands but starts washing the basin instead...

The manager comes running and asks him,

'Sir, what are you doing?'

Kalembe replies, ' Read this board here, it says ' Wash Basin '.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * English Exam
Kalembe finished his English exam and came out.

His friends asked him how he did his exam. He replied
'Exam was okay, but for the past tense of THINK, I thought, thought, and thought, at last I wrote THUNK!!!'

[Alja]

answer the following questions in brief kalembe is appearing for his university final examination. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes,and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window. He then removes his shirt and throws it away as well, followed by his pant, socks and watch. The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on. ' i am only following the instructions here,' he says, ' it says here, 'answer the following questions in brief '. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * essay the english teacher told all the students in the class to write an essay on a football match. All were busy writing except kalembe he has written. 'due to rain, no match !!! ' * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * the petition court server the petition server: i have to come 5 miles to deliver you this election petition kalemebe : why did you come so far ? instead you could have posted it. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * coffee shop kalembe and his wife went to a coffee shop . Kalembe said ' hurry up drink quickly.....!!!'. His wife asked why...??? kalembe said hot coffee rs. 5 and, cold coffee rs 10' * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * letter to his son kalembe was writing something very slowly. A friend came and asked: ' why are you writing so slowly? ' kalembe replies ' i'm writing to my 6 years old son,... He can't read very fast. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

[Ester]

Nice ones so far. Keep 'em coming.


Tumefika Naivasha?

A story is told of this young girl who boarded a bus from Nairobi. The bus was headed for Western Kenya. On reaching Westlands the gal got from her seat and walked to the driver and asked, 'Tumefika Naivasha (have we reached Naivasha) ?" In amazement the driver answered her, "bado mtoto" (not yet). On they moved and on reaching Kangemi the gal walked to the driver again,"Tumefika Naivasha (have we reached Naivasha)?" "Bado" (not yet) the driver replied. After another 10 mins, the girl asked the same question and the same answer was given.

The driver was by now getting very irritated by the little one who was asking if they had reached Naivasha after every few minutes but the passengers just looked on. The next time she asked the driver promised that he would alert her when they got to Naivasha, ! "Tukifika Naivasha, nitakwambia." So the young girl relaxed, sat on her seat and perhaps even blacked out. On reaching Naivasha, the driver had neatly forgotten the deal, so he just continued driving and twenty minutes after Naivasha the gal stood up and asked the driver the usual question.

Oh Oh, the driver had no words now that he had forgotten to keep his promise. The fellow passengers in anger started quarrelling the driver for failing the young one. They demanded that she be driven back to Naivasha then they proceed to wherever. Being the good driver the guy turned and drove back to Naivasha and told the gal, "Sasa tuko Naivasha." (Now we are in Naivasha).

The gal stood up, stretched her hands to the luggage rack, picked her bag, opened it, removed bread and milk, sat down and started eating the bread and drinking the milk. Now everyone in the bus wondered and just looked at the gal. So the driver goes, "Tumefika Naivasha, si ushuke!" (we are in Naivasha why don’t you get of the bus?) And the gal goes, "mum told me that when we reach Naivasha, I should pick my packed lunch and eat. Where are you heading? " asked the driver. "I am going to Western Kenya."

[Alja]

Jameni na shindwa, kwani huyu mama amebadirisha matiti - naona wameandika kifuani mwake "New KCC" Halafu hata wameweka size ya the new KCC
Nationmedia.com | Daily Nation | SPORTS | ATHLETICS: Kabuu’s return to the top continues
The Standard | Online Edition | Sports |Kabuu rules, books ticket to Beijing

[Alja]

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters and they were all getting married within a short time period.
Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt. The first girl sent a card from Kakamega two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe." Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.
It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.



The second girl sent the card from Kajiado a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges". Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra long. King Size. She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.



The third girl left for her honeymoon to Machakos Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "Kenya Airways." Mom took out her latest Standard Newspaper Digger Classified pages, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for KQ. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."!!!

Mom fainted...........

[Alja]

A guy is nearing the end of his senior year in high school. Unfortunately, he still has to share a room with his younger brother who is only nine (9) years old. One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun. They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his girlfriend climb up to the top bunk. As you might expect things start to heat up. The guy remembers that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to whisper "lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato" if she wants a new position. "lettuce" , "lettuce" , "lettuce" , "lettuce" , "lettuce" !!! "tomato"!!! "lettuce", "lettuce", "lettuce", "lettuce" , "lettuce" !!! "tomato"!!! "lettuce", "lettuce", "lettuce", "lettuce" , "lettuce" !!! "tomato"!!! she screams. "leeeeeeeeettuce"!!! "tomato" !!! whoa !!! pull out !!!, pull out !!! then the little brother shouts up, "hey, would you guys please stop making sandwiches up there!! you're getting mayonnaise all over my face " !!!!!

[Alja]

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read: pastor's ass out front. the bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read: bishop scratches pastor's ass. this was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: nun has best ass in town.:d the bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read: nun sells ass for $10. this was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: nun announces her ass is wild and free.:d the bishop was buried the next day .....