http://www.nationmedia.com/dailynati...1&newsid=54406
The sharp and dumb criminals hall of shame
Story by KAMAU MUTUNGA
Publication Date: 8/5/2005
Crime pays. And criminals pay dearly too.
Their pay days are usually efforts in sheer dare-devilry. Some dice with death and live to crook another day. But the majority have a perpetual date with their pay back day their destiny. And despite being thorough and unassuming, some commit silly blunders that get dumb cops promoted.
It is this bottom of class crooks, that we slot for the ignoble, Kenya's criminal hall of shame.
Sometimes they dont have to fire a single shot.
Funny or not so funny enough, crooks the world over; from Dandora, Dodoma or Damascus commit almost the same telepathic slips, some downright kindergarten. Like the gun totting one in the US who was busted in a Kentucky supermarket in January this year. And do you know what he did? He held a mannequin hostage, ready to blow its "brains" to kingdom come.
http://www.nationmedia.com/dailynati...05criminal.jpg
Forget that one. On average, most crooks think their crime plans are police -tight. But one of them strays from the form book, as was the case of the two thugs who broke to a Nairobi building society's strong room in October last year. They made away with a 50 kg safe, without bothering to ask the manager which of the several contained the money. They broke it, only to find hundreds of title deeds and files full of land transaction deals.
Not ones to sweat for nothing, they went to sell the safe to a scrap metal dealer. Their theft had been all over the dailies, and as they waited for payment, the dealer made to the back room and dialled the police hot-line.
Then there was the one arrested, but he was already dead meat. He accidentally shot himself in December 2004 when a .38-calibre revolver failed to fire at its intended victim during a bar hold-up in the seedy Kiamaiko slums in Nairobi. The goon did something that was straight out of a Charley Chaplin slap-stick comedy.
He snooped down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time and luckily for the victim, the counter girl, it fired. No single shot was fired in January 1999, when two university graduates were caught in Karen. They had kidnapped a wealthy bank owner and car dealer, Karim Poppat, and demanded a million shillings in ransom.
But they must have skived Unit One of Introduction to Kidnapping that warns against the use of public telephones. And so the police, in a hook-up with Telkom Kenya monitored their calls from the switch board, traced them to Karen and combed the area.
Police on patrol were not combing the Ngara area of Nairobi when they caught a burglar heaving a 29" inch colour TV set during the 2002 World Cup. When asked where he was taking it, he retorted: "To get it fixed!"
Really... at 5 O'clock in the morning?
But 10 O'clock was the time two characters in Eastleigh chose to hold up a bank. And succeeded. But when they went outside, their getaway car had already been stolen.
One of them had left keys on the ignition slot.
They were stranded with a sack full of coins when the public and its skewed brand of mob-injustice came stoning. Murphy's Law was in operation that day. And what was to go wrong, went badly wrong: their guns jammed.
It wasn't a case of Murphy's Law for the foolies who broke into a house in Githunguri in August 1992 and demanded that chapatis be cooked for them. Chapatis, a Kenyan wheat flour delicacy takes centuries to prepare; just enough time for a bush telegraphy to reach a nearby police station.
Not half as foolish as the crook who walked into a butchery in Mathare Valley in January 2005, flashed a Sh1000 note and asked for change. When the butcher opened the till, he drew a pistol and asked for all the dough. He took the cash. And fled, leaving the Sh1000 on the counter.
And what did he steal? Sh400 in denominations of Sh50 notes, leaving the butcher with Sh600.
The Kenyan average thug age has dropped to those who can't even vote come a snap election. Take the two 15 year olds who, in February this year, tipped off the police of a drug haul in Parklands, Nairobi. The police broke to ransack the house and the two boys sneaked in. They knew there was jewellery in the bedroom. The police heard a commotion and guns drawn, stealthed, only to find that their informers were also small time crooks. They were caught with seven gold chains.
The highway robbers who died on Mombasa Road in March 2005 were no small timers. But they should have known better when they commandeered a long haul trailer driver to pull up.
The driver did not bulge. And so they sped to the front and braked. This was on a down hill stretch, and all the 18 trailer wheels minced their getaway car into a lump of scrap metal.
And now to our favourite medallist in the dumb crooks podium who engaged the Makadara Law Courts magistrate in one stunt of hilarious tomfoolery in 1998. While the charges were being read against him, brother sly found a chance and dashed for freedom. Police gave chase and re-arrested him.
Magistrate: "You now have a fresh charge of escaping from lawful custody. Do you plead guilty or not guilty?"
Accused: "Not guilty. I was not the one!"
As there are bottom of the drawer crooks, there too are dumb copsthe kind who should have picked bee-keeping for a career.
Take the case of one Alnoor Kassam. He knew that one does not need a Bazooka to rob a bank. You can form one and rob the depositors from the comfort of your swivel chair.
And so when he creamed off the entire reserve vaults of Trade Bank in the mid 90s. Kenya's dreaded special branch paid him a (dis) courtesy call. He knew it was time to play the brisk banker's ace; and hit the road smart. But "Could the police have some tea as he spruced up himself?"
"Yes dad!"
And dad went via the back door and purred his Mercedes Benz to the airport. On a one way ticket to Timbuktu. The Interpol is still hitting the trail in the misty wake of his not so innocent footsteps.
Sometimes the success of a crime depends on a hunch. Or a sixth sense that nudges the crook to ship out. Such was the case in April 2005, when some grouped to raid a popular pub in Githurai, Nairobi. They were gunning for the Sh400,000 coined over the weekend.
But one partner in crime was missing. The Crook-in-Chief sensed betrayal. And his instincts were right as the place of crime was crawling with tipped off coppers. They were waiting for a white Toyota, the raider's gate away car. Instead of a Toyota, a grey Mercedes Benz pulled up at 9am, the appointed crime time. A well dressed man came out and headed for the pub, leaving two men on the back left.
He later appeared carrying a packet of beer cans and whisky to the boot. And sped off. The police had their antennae upped when a white Toyota pulled up half an hour after the Merc had left. They cocked their revolvers. The driver was alone. He was in no hurry as he puffed away at a cigarette.
All this time, no one was moving in or out of the pub. That raised eyebrows. It was time for action. Confronted, the driver pleaded innocence. He was only a taxi man who had been called and told to wait outside the pub. Inside the pub, the counter girl and manager were knocking from a store room locked from the outside.
And the plot fell into place: First, the two men on the Merc's back left. One was the car-jerked owner, a revolver tucked in his ribs. The taxi was only a decoy. The crooks knew, the coppers won't suspect a well groomed man in a Mercedes. And that was how despite a tip off, they succeeded right under the copper's noses.
And it wasn't the first time. In June 2004, two money escort guards pulled a similar stunt in what could easily be the easiest robbery, without violence. The cops got out of the van to direct the driver on how best to park outside the bank along Mama Ngina street Nairobi. As they were busy directing, the driver was busy speeding off. The van was later abandoned at the City Stadium, where the two guards stashed the loot in bags and walked away.
You must have some dumber examples to include in your own criminal hall of shame.
Darwin awards Kenyan style...Well, almost. Hilarious piece t... -
08-05-2005, 04:19 AM
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