Beware the revenge of the ex, warns OYUNGA PALA this week, giving men tips on how to recognise - and avoid - a hard-to-dump drama queen
My dad used to say; there are only three things a man should fear in life; the creator, lightning and the fury of a scorned woman. When a girl starts to exhibit sadistic tendencies, you would be best advised to run and not look back unless you want to wind up as a case study. Thank heavens I haven't had any one of my mates skinned or tied to a pole and set on by safari ants but all the same I have seen some pretty close shaves. So what is it about the nature of women that transforms the most tender and comforting of beings into the devil incarnate overnight?
I got a couple of letters over the past two months, from three men who survived Eve's wrath. I read their moving tales and decided to dedicate this column to John, Henry and Peter (not their real names), my three case studies who helped me compile these amazing accounts.
Life is too short to be spent dodging dodgy women but unfortunately most of us never learn. If a relationship is not on, get out fast. Don't hang around for the physical combat and imagine you will be able to walk out when you want. You will wind up trapped and getting out will be the most life-depressing act you have ever set upon. The female version of revenge can take some rather absurd dimensions.
My three friends all agree that they were mismatched pairs from the very start. John grew up to believe he was so ugly no girl in her right mind would ever think of going out with him. So when Susie started showing interest in him, he plunged into the lopsided relationship without a second thought. To keep his attractive partner, he started to bankroll each of her demands. 'I know it was silly, but Susie was the only beautiful woman I had ever gone out with and I couldn't bear to lose her'. Which was okay; the problem was that they had absolutely nothing in common. She was brainless and the only thing they could talk about was Mexican TV soaps and the state of her nails. It wasn't long before John came to his senses and tried to walk away. Let's just say he's lucky he lived to tell the story.
Peter got involved with an older woman. The lure of an apartment in the suburbs, a fridge full of drinks and a BMW at his disposal was too great. 'One year down the road, I discovered I was nothing but a gigolo and tried to dump Betsy'. She didn't let go easily.
Henry's one night-stand resulted in a baby. He hardly knew Julie, but he figured parenthood would gel their relationship. As soon as the baby arrived, Julie hit the bottle and Henry found himself in the sorry role of a clueless father with a woman who was a slave to drink.
It's amazing how many men are victims of abuse but choose to suffer in silence out of fear or the awkwardness of the situation. Depressing as it may seem, the anguish can be avoided if you take the time to think before you get swept off in wave of romantic razzmatazz - before any attempts to wiggle out will leave you susceptible to Eve's wrath.
Using data collected from my three case studies I have attempted to outline the traits of women who take dumping rather personally.
Phone maniac:
When the affair first started out, she would call you four to five times a day and you thought it was something to gloat to your mates about. Now you feel like feigning deafness just to avoid answering the phone. Lose your cell phone and she still gets to you. By week two, the sound of a ringing phone makes you jump and you would rather be dragged through a sewer than answer another phone call. It will hurt her but get another woman to start answering the phone for you. That should drive the message home.
Tongue of Fury:
You thought it was normal female behaviour when she screeched at you for looking at other women. Those were initial signs of satanic temper. If you imagined you had seen the worst, wait until she starts yelling unprintables from across the street and wagging a finger at you in public. No matter what she says about the state of your underwear, refraining from engaging in verbal combat. You will lose and wind up looking extremely foolish.
Home Wormer:
It starts with a toothbrush, next it's the cosmetics, then her clothes and before you say, 'Ha la!' she is one with the furniture. Give her an inch and she goes the mile. If you aren't prepared to wake up to the same face very morning don't be a sucker for the hot suppers and warm nights. Opt for the beer cans and soccer on telly instead. It is less of a headache.
Brenda Lee:
When she throws a fit it comes with fists. She kicks, claws, split kicks and throws objects - mostly glass. It can get so bad that you end up buying a mouth guard and a rugby headgear. As they get bolder, it takes less to provoke them into violence because it is their only release. Physically and emotionally violent women can batter your resistance until you end up with no self-worth. When violence becomes rampant make sure your insurance payments are up to date, because you will need it. Alternatively, get out at the first signs or else it's going to be one battered and bruised crawl out of the relationship.
Altar girl:
She desires nothing in life other than the sound of wedding bells, lily-white gowns and four tier cakes. You cannot marry a woman within the first three months of meeting her - it is just not recommended! She will pressure you to marry her. Next thing you know everyone is pressuring you and you are unable to leave even when you know the love is gone. Don't attempt to dump her in church, her relatives will come after you like the mob. Lose face among her relatives and call it quits because once you are married it gets complicated.
Baby boomer:
When a woman says she wants your baby, don't take those words lightly. Chances are she is very serious. When a woman sets her mind on changing your status from uncle to daddy, the likelihood of her succeeding is very real. Women still use babies to trap men and we still fall for the ploy. If you are not prepared for runny nose toddlers, do not sow wild oats. I've got nothing against being a father. Just exercise some choice over who it is you want to bear your children.
The stalker:
She becomes your shadow. She appears everywhere you are and sits for hours staring at you from across the room with a 'don't-leave-me' expression written all over her face. This can be extremely depressing. You can't disappear; she will find you. Ever heard of the expression, 'You can run but you can't hide?' That's the scenario. Remember that branch your office wanted to open up in Isiolo? That may be your only ticket to freedom.
Repro girl:
She will clean out the house and mop the floor. Everything will go with her, including the pegs. We all know it is your money that bought the goods but like the pied piper, when she leaves, all your stuff follows her out the door. All your aspirations for a spacious living room will be fulfilled. Insure your property and plead theft.
Demo (Demolition) girl:
Your car, your trophies and other delicate treasures will end up shattered into tiny little pieces. You wardrobe will look a mess when she is done. The suits will either end up shredded or burnt. She will saw your aerial off the roof. If your were shacking in her place, look for your stuff in the garbage bin.
Miss Self destruct:
There is nothing less terrifying than a woman you once had a relationship with threatening to kill herself because you dumped her. The mood swings, pendulum emotions and unfounded insecurity will bring any normal man within an inch of a nervous breakdown. Dare you say you are leaving and she will be sobbing uncontrollably, hyperventilating, screaming until you imagine her plunging a knife into her heart and saying, 'I would rather die than live without you'. This is emotional blackmail at its best. When she starts threatening you with suicide, don't fall for the trap or you will never leave. Offer support but the overall message must be that it is over.
Low self-esteem is a big problem among men. Try and spend time building stronger social networks rather than relying on an attractive partner to give you confidence. Remember, there are numerous psychos out there. Stop playing Mother Teresa - you will be run over in a stampede. Beware; there is nothing like a free lunch. If you are man trapped in a relationship, reach out and talk to us. We care. There is such a thing as a men's shelter.
pala.o@jay.net
The Case of the EX -
03-29-2002, 01:54 PM
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