Abusive relationships...y do women stay?

[Jerry D]

Originally Posted by Devine

.

I can be as harmless as a fly, WCA once said. I can also be as rude as a bully, everyone knows that.

I know which part of me brings more women aboard.

[r a k e]

i think what okie said is correct

you'll find in many cases - this guy who beats up the gal has told her things like, she's ugly, no guy will ever love her etc - its like b4 they even got to the battering stage, the guy had planted some stuff in her head, and she came to believe it - so she stays.

she has reached a point, where she actually fears leaving him, more than being with him and taking all the beatings - its a sad thing, but like okie said once again - just be there for her, when she finally wakes up from all this, she's gonna need u around

[REDSPIDER]

Originally Posted by Devine

JD, you've made the wrong assumption that women like being abused. Nothing could be further from the truth. Okie said it all, I don't have much to add. Remember to these women, the abuser was a lover, a friend, a confidant before he became an abuser. Most women long for the person who he presented himself as in the beginning and they believe that they have the power to change him back to what he was. They never realize that it was just a front.Sometimes the abuser doesn't even realize it's a front.

Again like Okie said, the abuse is very gradual that by the time the woman realizes what's going on, she's in too deep, and sees no way out. If a man up and abused you on the first date, no woman would stay, but he's been so sweet, took your mom to the hospital that time, drove in the snow to bring you cough medicine the other time, did that very romantic thing last valentine, was in tears on his knees apologizing the last time it happened, he promised it would never happen again... Usually these men are charmers, people are usually very shocked to learn that the are abusers, so the woman is trapped because no one believes her.

So please know that NO woman likes to be abused, NO woman likes to be roughed up. These women need help to leave the relationship. The men also need help to figure out why they abuse. Abuse happens in all socioecomonical classes, even gay and lesbian couples abuse each other, so it's not only a man-woman issue.

Ever been to a house where they buy cutlery like every other week and electronic stuff too coz the other ones broke while they were fighting, chic has cheda, so am thinkin....whats so hard about walking away, ama its this love hate relationship kind of situation, maybe a little more psychological thing than anything else. When he gets high on booze its the chics turn to mourn coz the dude is never home, cant be found sometimes even after three days...aaaiiii sielewi!!!

[wuzi the weatherman]

I must admit Okie’s post was quite insightful. Of late i have come to think witchcraft or juju must be responsible for the way some victims of abuse respond and even start rationalising the whole thing to the point of defending the abusers to me it just doesn’t add up. I mean how else can you logically explain it i have a pal whom i have done everything short of hitting her to get her to walk away from an abusive relationship but its as if she cant control herself and she just goes back.

[YB*]

there was a topic like this somewhere and I remember contributing.

Anywho, abuse can be as a result of a cycle. Ever heard the phrase 'Home is where the heart (hurt) is? If baby gal was brought up in an abusive home, especially if the father was abusive, 2 things can happen.

She can distance herself from such men, or can identify with such men - they would make it feel familiar. She would not necessarily see the mean streak and be attracted to it, but they say that, behaviour patterns of abusers are similar, though not perceptible to many.

Look at this another way - have you ever had a sore in your mouth? (I like using this example). The sore would be at the back of your mouth or near your wisdom teeth, where normally your tongue never goes on any average day. Now when you get your sore, despite it being painful when disturbed - How often does your tongue go for the spot?

You feel the pain, vow you wont do that again, and an hour later you will do the same thing. The human is a complex being. Pain can be looked forward to - this might sound odd, but the proponents of 'pain is love, love is pain' have a small ounce of truth.

[r a k e]

by the way - i tend to think the dude beating up the gal is just as messed up psychologically as the gal he is beating up - if not worse

[YB*]

@JD - there is a difference between abuse and rough up.
I support your rough up notion 200%, but that's not abuse.
Its some females need for dominance, manifested physically.
Actually quite a number of women don't even know they are like that until....

[r a k e]

Originally Posted by YB*

@JD - there is a difference between abuse and rough up.
I support your rough up notion 200%, but that's not abuse.
Its some females need for dominance, manifested physically.
Actually quite a number of women don't even know they are like that until....

ehe??? until>????? maliza sentensi yawa~!

[Jerry D]

Originally Posted by YB*

Roughening up theory by JD

If the innate tolerance (or desire for a rough up) exhibited in women is anything to go by, and abuse is not a discretely separated entity from the roughening, then the tolerance in women for the abuse is but a magnification of the initial desire/need to be "roughed up".

Ladies in this thread have agreed that abusive men start the abuse in a very small magnitude (at the roughing stage which is highly acceptable and needed by women), gradually perfecting their aggressiveness to intolerant levels. Accordingly the following stages could account for the observation of women staying in abusive relationships:

1. A woman needs a man characterized by adventurous, mysterious, and surprisingly but sweet "roughening up" - the bad boy syndrome.

2. The man periodically gives this needed roughening up which excites the woman, increasing the bonding strength.

3. The man actually is good at roughening up because he has this innate desire to exercise control - Innate tendency to abuse.

4. Gradually he increases the roughening up, over time until intolerant levels.

Well, that's my theory of "Why women stay in abusive relationships". I am in no way condoning the roughening up, but I pray that a woman would equally love a softy over the bad boys. There would be no opportunity for roughening up in the first place.

[okiedokes]

JD, more theories again except this time you have no scientific back up. Why not?

If "roughing up" involves laying your hands on anyone that is assault and it is abuse. No one has a right to push/shove/hit/punch/kick another person.

If you would like to do an experiment, I suggest you go to any western nation and "rough up" girls, then see whether a defense like "bad boy syndrome" will prevent you from going to jail.

This is serious stuff and some people think it's trivial. Any man who "roughs up" a girl is a punk and a coward. Any woman who "roughs up" a man is just as much of a punk and a coward and should be reported as well.

There is a kenyan guy in my city who beat his girlfriend up during a party in the midst of many people. She was ready to call 9-1-1 and people were telling her, "oh he's your countryman, he has no papers, they'll deport him", yada yada.

A few others advised her to call the cops and let the chips fall where they may. He should have been thinking of his lack of papers before beating her up. Chances are he has been beating up on her and that day we just saw it for ourselves.