[spider-ndwalz]

It makes me mad..thinking about it- thinking that you had to go through that hell- they told you to do it- you had no one…you were alone. They say that bad things happen to good people- I would never fathom what you went through- and at times when I look at you- I think- what If it was me? What the hell would I have done? Would I run? Would I hide? Or would I just go insane? Word.

It’s cold..yet we cover it up in daily routine- in normalcy that we hope will bury the secrets- in normalcy that we think is the healing process- the ‘real deal’ to becoming better. How foolish to think we would cover the pain and scars with just keeping quiet about it- I was there- there inside your womb- I felt the steel tweezers snatch me- I yelled …I pleaded…I winced- it hurt.

I do not blame you- I do not blame anyone- maybe destiny is to blame- maybe my life was never meant to be- maybe it wasn’t for me to see the sun. Mama- I know it hurt you more than it ever hurt me- I was too small to understand- I wish maybe that you would hold me first for the first time before they had to take me away so quickly. I wondered why? I heard you scream and then I knew that I too would soon be in pain.

Mama, I wish I would have protected you- from that awful surgeon- I wish I was strong enough to not let go of your womb- I wish I had some strong place to grab onto- see mama…I couldn’t. Right then at that frantic moment, I felt something sharp bit me- I didn’t know why they would want to hurt me- I didn’t understand why you would let them. I cried out in pain- but you couldn’t here me from way inside there. I then knelt down inside your womb and said a short prayer:

“Dear God, forgive them for they don’t know what they are doing. Dear God, keep mama safe for me- and maybe one day I’ll see her again in heaven. Dear God, I don’t know why this had to happen to me- but I am now in your hands…..

..And in that instance, I heard a loud voice resembling that of a vacuum- coming straight at me. I let out an ear-piercing cry hoping that maybe…just maybe someone would hear me from out there and come get me… Yet, it wasn’t so. The sound kept on coming closer- I tried to retreat- tried to use the little muscle power in me- mama you should have seen me!- I fought the good fight- but in the end I lost like a winner- I fought for you- I fought that maybe you would hear the commotion inside of you- the resistance- and then maybe you would ask them to stop hurting me- and then maybe we would go back home;the familiar place I was used to- just me and my mama…..yet it wasn’t so….

‘Silence kills the soul…more silence drains the soul to mere ashes- I still hear you cry deep in the night- I wish I was there to comfort you. I am still you son- I am still your beloved- and maybe one day we will be reunited. But until then, I will wait ever so fervently ;for my mama to embrace me in her arms for the very first time.

Your son,
BELOVED.

'LIVE AND LET LIVE'

dedicated to all other beloved son's and daughters that never had a chance to live.
A Work of fiction-Written by spider-ndwalz

All rights reserved ®

[Jibril Cessay]

Excellent work as usual. The deadline for submissions for New Writing 15 is 30 April 2006.

Submissions should be sent in triplicate, clearly typed, double-spaced, page numbered and with name and address on each piece to::

New Writing
Film and Literature Department
British Council
10 Spring Gardens
London SW1A 2BN

http://newwriting.britishcouncil.org/about/submissions/

Let me know if u need a literary agent cos I can help u scout. As it is, I'm also looking but i have resorted to using my work for creative writing projects in school.

I believe in you. Let me know the results.

[spider-ndwalz]

@ jibril cassey-

thanks so much!i believe in you too- and yes i would like help doing this- my email addy is ndwale@yahoo.com- please give me more info- thanks again!

[Jibril Cessay]

Check email...I have sent something small. Don't worry if u see many long names...that's just me being the African I am :7