[YB*]

Its a bit slow in this here area code so I better amuse myself with something I truly enjoy - Humour. Ama try post one or 2 everyday and you can always throw a good one if your upto it, otherwise i hope you all enjoy.

Am fishing for indigenous jokes, nikipata will post, but for now, am making due with what i have.

************ *********** ***************

Bubba died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad & the morgue needed
someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Daryl &
Gomer, were sent for.

Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl
said,

"Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."

So the mortician rolled him over and Daryl looked and said,

"Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought
Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at him and said,

"Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer looked down and said,

"No, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Gomer said,

"Well, Bubba had two a.ssholes."

"What? He had two a.ssholes?" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone in town knew he had two a.ssholes.

Every time we went to town, folks would say,

"Here comes Bubba with them two a.ssholes!".

[YB*]

A man and a woman were deeply in love. She, being of a religious
nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted so bad.
In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked on his
overly cautious, slow driving habits.

"I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For
every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll
remove one piece of clothing."

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.

He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 60,
off came the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.
Now, seeing her naked for the first time, and traveling faster
than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control
of the car.

He veered off the road, over an embankment and wrapped the car
around a tree. His girlfriend was thrown clear, but he was
trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas, he was stuck.

"Go up to the road and get help," he said.

"But I haven't anything to cover myself with!" she replied.

The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes.

"You'll have to use this to cover it up," he told her as he
tossed the shoe.

So she did as he said and went up to the road for help.

Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the
road, he pulled over to hear her story.

"My boyfriend, my boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't
pull him out!"

The truck driver, looking down at the shoe between her legs,
replies,

"Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid there's no hope for him."

[YB*]

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep
tradition going, everyone got drunk and the bride and groom's
families had a storming row and started wrecking the reception
room and generally kicking the crap out of each other, the Police
were called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in court.

The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally
brings silence with the use of his hammer, shouting, "Silence in
Court!"

The court room goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and
say's. "Judge... I was the best man at the wedding and I think I
should explain what happened."

The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand.

Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is
traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first
dance with the Bride.

The Judge says," OK".

"Well," said Paddy, "after I had finished the first dance, the
music kept going so I continued dancing to the second song, and
after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third
song...when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran
towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her
privates."

The Judge instantly responded, "God... that must have hurt!"

Paddy replies; "HURT!!... he broke three of my bloody fingers"

[YB*]

• I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can
do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

• I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are
just *******s.

• I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only
takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

• I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen
minutes. After that, you'd better have a big weenie or huge
boobs.

• I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others -
they are more screwed up than you think.

• I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think
you're finished.
• I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we
are celebrities.

• I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a
relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better
be a lot of money to take its place.

• I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you
when you're down will be the ones who do.

• I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends, because
their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.

• I've learned that the people you care most about in life are
taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just
never go away.

[Ester]

Great jokes so far! Don't stop you have an audience.

[sdolphin]

And two makes it a groupie

[Busy]

it's now a lot, keep going
good work well done.

[YB*]

Thanks ester, sdolphin and busy, will this quotes are specially for you for the heads up

************************************************** *****

"There is one nba player who claims in every city he plays, he's got a female stalker. Stalker is such a negative term; let's call her the mother of his child. - weldon gaines

"I stay away from the miserable people, because misery loves company. Just look at a fly strip. You never see a fly stuck there saying. 'go around! go around!'" - margaret smith on capital punishment:

"Where would christianity be if jesus got eight to fifteen years, with time off for good behavior?" - new york senator james h. Donovan

"When i was a kid, i had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other." - rita rudner

"We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'you see the enemy over there? they say you look fat in those uniforms.'" - elayne boosler

"Remember the scene in west side story when a guy is running through spanish harlem yelling out, "maria!"... And only one woman comes to the window?" - bobby slayton

"I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic." - woody allen

"There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the mercedes-benz 380sl convertible." - p.j. O'rourke

And the last for today is just the best for the black man :d

"I've dated women from every race. I'm not bragging when i say that. I'm more than just a great date. I'm also a fashion accessory. Black goes with everything." - weldon gaines

[YB*]

An oldie but................

Idi Amin: 'Mrs Queen may you supply me with GUNS'.
Queen: 'What?'
Amin: 'GUNS!
Queen: 'Excuse me?'
Amin: 'GUUUNS, G as for Jerusalem, U as for Europe, N as for Entebbe and S as for psychology

[YB*]

A boy kept disrupting his third grade class by breaking wind
loudly. This angered his teacher so she kept him after school and
demanded to know what prompted such offensive behavior.

He proudly explained,

"I do it because it's the one thing in the world I can do better
than anybody."

"That's what you think," said his teacher. "If I prove I can do
it better, will you stop doing it?"

Supremely confident he couldn't be outdone, the kid instantly
agreed.

The teacher then placed two sheets of paper on the floor and put
a little pile of chalk dust on each one.

The kid dropped his pants, squatted down, broke wind and blew all
but a smidgen of dust off his paper.

The teacher followed his example but when she was done, there
wasn't the slightest trace of dust left on her paper.

The boy was astonished, chagrined and asked if she would please
do it again. When she repeated the process, he peeked up under
her skirt, gasped and indignantly exclaimed,

"Wow, no wonder you won! You've got a double-barrel!"