[YB*]

NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH

In a bus stop two men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

'Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this any more, 'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,' she retorted indignantly. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.'

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'.'

[YB*]

Little Adam rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and
is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother
enters the kitchen. She says,

"Put that away Adam! You can't have ice cream now. It's too close
to supper time. Go outside and play."

Adam whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."

Trying to placate him, she says, "OK, I'll play with you. What do
you want to play?"

He says, "I wanna play Mommie and Daddy."

Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she
says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?"

Adam says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down."

Figuring that she can easily control the situation, she goes
upstairs.

Adam, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the
utility closet. He dons his father's old fishing hat. As he
starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray
on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of
his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom
doorway.

His mother raises up and says, "What do I do now?"

In a gruff manner, Adam says, "Get your butt downstairs and get
that kid some ice cream!"

[YB*]

Deleted: Stupid stupid mashada formatting

[YB*]

Aeroplane blonde - one who has bleached/dyed her hair blonde but still has a 'black box'.

Aussie kiss - similar to a french kiss, but given down under.

Badly packed kebab - a vulgar (but still excellent) term for the female genitalia.

Beaver leaver - a homosexual.

Beer coat - the invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3 in the morning.

Beer compass - the invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze cruise, even though you're too pissed to remember where you live, how you get there, and where you've come from.

Bobfoc - body off baywatch, face off crimewatch.

Bone of contention - a hard-on that causes an argument, e.g. One that arises when a man is watching olympic beach volleyball on tv with his girlfriend.

Breaking the seal - your first piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

Bruce lee - erect nipple (as in, a hard nip).

Budgie's tongue or small man in a boat, or tongue punchbag - the female erection.

Double bass - a sexual position in which the man enters the woman from behind, and then fiddles with the woman's nipples with one hand and her budgie's tongue with the other. The position is similar to that used when playing a double bass instrument, but the sound produced is slightly different.

Drink- link - a modern term for a cashpoint machine (atm). Named so because it is common to visit one before going out on the booze.

Etch-a-sketch - trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling both of her nipples simultaneously.

Flogging on - surfing the internet for some left-handed websites.

Free the tadpoles - liberate the residents of your wank tanks.

Frigmarole - unnecessarily time-consuming foreplay.

F.ucks.hitf.ucks.hitf.ucks.hit - the sound made when driving through traffic at too high a speed.

Going for a mcS.hit - entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is a mcS.hit with lies.

Greyhound - a very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

Hand- to-gland combat - a vigorous masturbation session.

Johnny-no-stars - a young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.

Monkey bath - a bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "oo! oo! oo! aa!aa! aa!".

Mumbler - an attractive girl in tight shorts or jeans, etc. I.e. You can see the 'lips' moving but can't quite make out what they're saying.

Mystery bus - the bus that arrives at the pub on friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with great looking people when you come back in.

One in the departure lounge - the need to defecate imminently.

Picasso arse - a woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.

Salad dodger - an excellent phrase for an overweight person.

Sperm wail or spuphemism - a verbal outburst during the male orgasm.

Starfish trooper or arsetronaut - a homosexual.

Swamp-donkey - a deeply unattractive woman.

Tart fuel or B.itch piss - bottled alcopops, e.g. Hooch, regularly consumed by young women.

Titanic - a lady who goes down first time out.

Todger dodger - a lesbian.

Two-bagger or double bagger - someone that you'd need 2 paper bags to have sex with (1 to cover their head, and 1 to cover yours, in case their bag falls off).

Up on blocks - menstruating i.e. Out of action, a bit like a car in a garage. E.g. "i don't think i'll be in luck tonight lads, the missus is up on blocks".

Vagina decliner - a homosexual. X-piles unwanted visitors from uranus.

[YB*]

The old priest lay dying in the hospital and asked to see Bill and Hillary. The old priest took Bill's hand in his right hand and Hillary's hand in his left.
There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

Finally Bill Clinton spoke. 'Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?'
The old priest slowly replied, 'I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savoir Jesus Christ.'

'Amen' said Bill.
'Amen' said Hillary.

The old priest continued... 'He died between two lying thieves. I would like to do the same.'

'AMEN' said the Nurse.

[YB*]

A drunken Irishman is driving through the city of Dublin and his
car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"

"I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his
arms, "that a few miles back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the man. "For a minute there, I
thought I'd gone deaf."

[YB*]

• Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery!"?

• Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

• Why is a boxing ring square?

• Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips after
you use it?

• Why is it necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

• Why is what doctors do called "practice?"

• Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing
liquid made with real lemons?

• Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?

[YB*]

"Doc," says Arthur, "I want to be castrated."

"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I
want to have it done", replies Arthur.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor.
"It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no
going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that doc and you're not going to change my mind;
either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to
another doctor."

"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "but its against my better
judgment!"

So Arthur has his operations and the next day he is up and
walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with
his IV stand.

Heading toward him is another patient, who is walking exactly the
same way.

"Hi there", says Arthur. "It looks like you've just had the same
operation as me."

"Well", said the patient. "I finally decided after 37 years that
I would like to be Circumcised."

Arthur stared at him in horror...

"S.hit, THAT'S THE WORD!!!!"

[YB*]

Paddy and Bridget had just got married. It was their wedding
night in the bridal suite. Bridget was lying on her back on the
bed in an incredible shimmering silky negligee whimpering,

"Take me Paddy. Take me now!"

Paddy (having been a good catholic boy) was a virgin and didn't
have the faintest idea what to do next. Suddenly he had a
brilliant idea. He dashed out of the room and went to reception
to ring his mum for advice.

Her advice was to put the hardest part of his body into where
Bridget pees. Paddy was a bit dubious about this but his mother
assured him that Bridget would love it.

Paddy came back in to the bedroom triumphantly, asked Bridget if
she was ready.

Bridget shouted, "Yes, Yes, I'm ready!"

Then she watched in amazement as Paddy ran into the bathroom and
put his head down the toilet.

[YB*]

The Best Norm Peterson quotes from "Cheers"

"What's shaking Norm?"
"All four cheeks & a couple of chins."

"What's new Normie?"
"Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach & they're
demanding beer."

"What'd you like Normie?"
"A reason to live. Give me another beer."

"What'll you have Normie?"
"Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of
whatever comes out of the tap."

"Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?"
"Like a baby treats a diaper."

"What's the story Mr. Peterson?"
"The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy
ending."

"Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you."
"I know, if she calls, I'm not here."

"Beer, Norm?"
"Have I gotten that predictable? Good."

"What's going on Mr. Peterson?"
"A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'"

"Whatcha up to Norm?"
"My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."

"How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
"Poor."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"No, I mean pour."

"How's life treating you Norm?"
"Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."

"Women. Can't live with 'em....pass the beer nuts."

"What's going down, Normie?"
"My butt cheeks on that bar stool."

"Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"Alright, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty."

"How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
"It's a dog eat dog world, Woody & I'm wearing Milk Bone
underwear."

"What's the story Norm?"
"Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."

"What's going on Mr. Peterson?"
"The question is what's going IN Mr. Peterson? A beer please,
Woody."

"Can I pour you a beer Mr. Peterson?"
"A little early isn't it, Woody?"

"For a beer?"
"No, for stupid questions."