[YB*]

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, was
looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on
a desk in the distance.

Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, Rachael replied, "That's me before the surgery."

************************************************** ********

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices
that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees
oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and
stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around
town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona,
decides that something cold would really hit the spot.

He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat.
Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his
little flippers.

After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station
and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic
looks up and says,

"It looks like you blew a seal."

"No, no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."

[Ester]

Originally Posted by sdolphin

Took me awhile to get the contagious joke, but i got there eventually.
I can therefore, safely say, "My brain is running on gear 4 today."

Lol, it also took me a while to gitch!

YB* endelea hivyo vivyo!

[YB*]

Busy week, will make up for it

One of my best:-

After sixty years, a Rabbi decides to retire. Taking the box of
foreskins he has collected over the years of doing circumcisions.
He goes to a Leather goods Manufacturer and says to the man,

"Can you do anything with these".

The man says "No problem, come back in two weeks"

After two weeks the rabbi returns to the shop, and is presented
with a wallet. In total dismay, he says to the craftsman,

"Sixty years of my life spent doing circumcisions, the best you
can do is a wallet?"

The man replies,

"Don't worry, just rub it a few times and it will grow into a
suitcase."

[YB*]

From the washington post style invitation, in which it was postulated that english should have male and female nouns, and readers were asked to assign a gender to nouns of their choice and explain their reason.

The best submissions: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Swiss army knife -- male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles. Kidneys -- female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

Tire -- male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.

Hot air balloon: male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... And, of course, there's the hot air part.

Sponges -- female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

Web page -- female, because it is always getting hit on. Shoe -- male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

Copier -- female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

Ziploc bags -- male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
Subway -- male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

Hourglass -- female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom

Hammer -- male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5000 years but it's handy to have around.

Remote control -- female...ha!...you thought i'd say male. But consider, it gives man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

[YB*]

A ninety year old man lived in a rest home and got a weekend
pass. He stopped in his favorite bar and sat at the end and
ordered a drink. He noticed a seventy year old woman at the other
end of the bar and he told the bartender to buy the lovely young
lady a drink. As the evening progressed, the old man joined the
lady and they went to her apartment, where they got it on.

Four days later, the old man noticed that he was developing a
drip, and he headed for the rest home doctor. After careful
examination the doctor asked the old man if he had engaged
in sex recently.

The old man said, "Sure!"

The doctor asked if he could remember who the woman was and where
she lived.

"Sure, why?"

"Well you'd better get over there, you're about to cum!"

[YB*]

Top ten times in history, when using the "f" word was appropriate

10th - "scattered f.ucking showers, my ass!" - noah, 4314 bc

9th - "how the f.uck did you work that out?" - pythagoras, 126 bc

8th - "you want what on the f.ucking ceiling?" - michelangelo, 1566

7th - "where did all those f.ucking indians come from?" - custer, 1877

6th - "it does so f.ucking look like her!" - picasso, 1926

5th - "where the f.uck are we?" - amelia earhart, 1937

4th - "any f.ucking idiot could understand that." - einstein, 1938

3rd - "what the f.uck was that?" - mayor of hiroshima, 1945

2nd - "i need this parade like i need a f.ucking hole in the head - jfk, 1963

and, the number 1 most appropriate time for using the "f" word...

"aw c'mon. Who the f.uck is going to find out?" - bill clinton, 1997

[YB*]

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.

He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started Catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50. However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him. In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys. Then they never saw the man nor his assistant again, only monkeys everywhere!

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works!

[YB*]

I'm glad i'm a woman i'm glad i'm a woman, yes i am, yes i am, i don't live off of budweiser, beer nuts and spam; i don't brag to my buddies about my erections, i won't drive to hell before i ask for directions; i don't get wasted at parties, and act like a clown, and i know how to put that damned toilet seat down; i won't grab your hooters, i won't pinch your butt, my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut; and i don't go around "re-adjusting" my crotch, or yell like tarzan when my headboard gets a notch; i don't belch in public, i don't scratch my behind, i'm a woman you see-i'm just not that kind! i'm glad i'm a woman, i'm so glad i could sing, i don't have body hair like shag carpeting; it doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back, when i lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack; and what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb, i'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome; or have a few hairs pulled from over the side, i'm a woman, you know-i've got far too much pride! and i honestly think its a privilege for me, to have these two boobs and squat when i pee; i don't live to play golf and shoot basketball, i don't swagger and spit like a neanderthal; i don't long for male bonding, i don't cruise for chicks, join the hair club for men, or think with my ****; i won't tell you my wife just does not understand, or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band; or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep, then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep; yes, i'm so very glad i'm a woman, you see, forget all about that old penis envy; i'm a woman by chance and i'm thankful, it's true, i'm so glad i'm a woman and not a man like you! i'm glad i'm a man i'm glad i'm a man, you better believe, i don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, cottage cheese; i don't ***** to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts, i can get where i want to - north, south, east or west; i don't get wasted after only 2 beers, and when i do drink i don't end up in tears; i won't spend hours deciding what to wear, i spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair; and i don't go around checking my reflection, in everything shiny window from every direction; i don't whine in public and make us leave early, and when you ask why get all bitter and surly; i'm glad i'm a man, i'm so glad i could sing, i don't have to sit around waiting for that ring! i don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back, i don't carry our differences into the sack; i'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you, or think every guy out there's trying to steal you; i'm rational, reasonable, and logical too, i know what the time is and i know what to do; and i honestly think its a privilege for me, to have these two balls and stand when i pee; i live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball, it's more fun than dealing with women after all; i won't cry if you say it's not going to work, i won't remain bitter and call you a jerk! feel free to use me for immediate pleasure, i won't assume it's permanent by any measure; yes, i'm so very glad i'm a man, you see, i'm glad i'm not capable of child delivery; i don't get all *****y every 28 days, i'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise; i'm a man by chance and i'm thankful it's true, i'm so glad i'm a man and not a woman like you!

[YB*]

JEEZ MASHADA, FORMATTING REALLY SUX

Once upon a time there were two deaf mutes standing on a street corner talking to each other with sign language.

Mute #1 (sign) "what would you like to do?"
Mute #2 (sign) "i don't know, what about you?"
Mute #1 (sign) "let's get my car, find some girls, drive to a dark space and have some fun."
Mute #2 (sign) "good idea."

So they get his car, find some girls, drive to a dark spot and are having a ball when the guy in the back seat taps the guy in the front seat on the shoulder...

Front seat mute (sign) "what?"
Back seat mute (sign) "have you got any protection?"
Front seat mute (sign) "no. Don't you?"
Back seat mute (sign) "no. We had better go to a drug store and get some."

They precede to drive to a drug store and the man in the back seat gets out and goes inside. In two minutes he is back outside and taps on the car window.

Inside mute (sign) "what?"
Outside mute (sign) "i've got a problem."
Inside mute (sign) "what?"
Outside mute (sign) "i can't make the druggist understand what i want."
Inside mute (sign) "i know what to do."
Outside mute (sign) "what?"
Inside mute (sign) "go back inside. Put five dollars on the counter. Put your pecker on the counter. He'll know what you want."
Outside mute (sign) "good idea."

The man goes back into the drug store and two minutes later he's back at the car window.

Inside mute (sign) "well?"
Outside mute (sign) "it didn't work."
Inside mute (sign) "what do you mean?"
Outside mute (sign) "i did what you told me to do. I went inside. I put 5 dollars on the counter. I put my pecker on the counter. He put his on the counter. It was bigger than mine. He took my 5 dollars."

[YB*]

"The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment"

************************************************** ********

"Whereas a woman longs for one man who can satisfy her many wants and needs, a man longs for many women who can satisfy his one need."
- Jeff Stilson

************************************************** ********

"I did see one great new brand: 'Extra-Super Sensitive Condoms' I thought, 'Wow! These must hang around and talk to you after the guy leaves!'"
- Elayne Boosler

************************************************** ********

"I went to confession... I said, 'Father, I want to hold men down and I want to whip them, I want to force them to caress my naked body.'

'Say 10 Hail Marys and meet me behind the Exxon station'"
- Joanne Dearing

************************************************** ********

"It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday just exactly fits the newspaper."
- Jerry Seinfeld

************************************************** ********

My wife and I were happy for 20 years... Then we met.
- Rodney Dangerfield

************************************************** ********

"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
- Emo Phillips

************************************************** ********

"Fake breasts, women always say, 'You know they're not real, don't you? She bought them.' I don't care if they're real. I want to buy some too. For the house, put them in different rooms. And on the dashboard of the car, for when I'm driving."
- Arsenio Hall