Light Moments - Page 4

YB* · (#31 (**permalink**))

A four-year-old wanders up and down the aisles of a supermarket
crying his eyes out.

"What's the matter young fella?" asks a concerned shop assistant.

"I've lost my mummy!" wails the youngster, sobbing convulsively.

"Don't worry, we'll soon find her," soothes the shop assistant.
"Now, what's mummy like?"

"Big c.ocks and vodka," sobs the little fella.

************************************************** ********

One day the teacher asked her students to use the word
"contagious" in a phrase.

Sarah lifts up her hand and says, "Teacher, teacher I got one!! A
cold is contagious!"

The teacher is very happy. Tom lifts up his hand and says, "
Teacher... yawning is contagious"...pretty good Tom!!

Finally, little Johnny lifts up his hand and says,

" Oh...Oh...I got one...The other day, as my mother was mowing
the lawn, my father looked out the window and said it will take
that contagious to finish!!"

************************************************** ********

A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind.
After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to their
separate beds. However the man was not yet ready to slumber. He
called over to his wife,

"My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely."

So the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband.
On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The
husband with a concerned look on his face says,

"Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?
Come here and let me kiss it better"

The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two have
passionate sex and afterwards the woman rolls out. As she is
returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the
carpet and falls flat on her face.

The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor
and says, "Clumsy b.itch

sdolphin · (#32 (**permalink**))

Took me awhile to get the contagious joke, but i got there eventually.

I can therefore, safely say, "My brain is running on gear 4 today."

YB* · (#33 (**permalink**))

Quote:

Originally Posted by sdolphin

Took me awhile to get the contagious joke, but i got there eventually.

I can therefore, safely say, "My brain is running on gear 4 today."

That one takes a few seconds or minutes to get, kwanza if you pronounce as per kenyan learning, kisha you better know the lingo in reference

After a wild freeway chase, the motorcycle cop waved the speeding
sports car over to the curb. When he walked up to the driver's
window, he was surprised to find a very attractive blonde behind
the wheel.

"Ma'am," he said, "I'm afraid we're going to have to give you a
Breathalyzer"

"A breathalyzer?" said the blonde "What's that?"

"Well you blow into this device," explained the officer, "and it
tests your breath to see whether or not you've been drinking."

The test was taken and as the officer eyed the results, he said,

"Lady, you've had a couple of stiff ones."

"That's amazing!" the girl cried. "You mean it shows that too!"

************************************************** ********

A husband was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of
tests in the hospital, his wife was sitting at his bedside.

His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful."

Flattered, she continued her vigil while he drifted back to
sleep.

Later he woke up and said, "You're cute."

"What happened to 'beautiful'?" she asked him.

"The drugs are wearing off" he replied

************************************************** ********

One day, while sailing the seven seas, a lookout spotted a pirate
ship, and the crew became frantic.

Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red velvet jacket."

The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red velvet jacket,
and, after donning the jacket, the captain led his crew into
battle and defeated the pirates.

Later on, the lookout spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The
captain again howled for his red velvet jacket and once again
vanquished the pirates.

That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the
day's triumphs, and one of them asked the captain: "Sir, why did
you call for your red velvet jacket before each battle?"

The captain replied: "If I am wounded in the attack, my crew
won't notice my bleeding and will continue to fight, unafraid."

All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of
their captain.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not
two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The rank and file all
stared at the captain and awaited his usual request.

Captain Bravo calmly shouted,

“Bring me my brown pants”

YB* · (#34 (**permalink**))

An extraordinary event was witnessed at a Memphis branch Union
Planters bank today. Heather Williams of Germantown pulled up to
the drive-thru ATM, put her card in, withdrew cash and then her
card, and pulled away in mind-boggling two minutes and 48
seconds. Ms. Williams set a new world record for "Female Drive-
Thru ATM Withdrawal."

ATM Officials were giddy at the site of this remarkable woman.
"Oh, man, I knew there was something special right when she
pulled up!" Bank Manager Brian Sontag gushed. "She nailed
positioning her car right in front of the ATM! She didn't go too
far forward, then have to put her car in reverse, then ease back
up a little bit, then back completely out because she was too far
from the machine. Unbelievable!"

As the record breaking ATM withdrawal was taking place, Sontag
marveled at how Williams defied the dictates of style. "I was
breathless when she got the car positioned right and would have
been able to pass that story along to my grand- children. But I
almost passed out when she had her ATM card *ready* to insert!
There was no digging through her purse! No fumbling with that
little white envelope that women store the card between uses. She
had it ready -- and get this -- she didn't have to check her
address book for her PIN number!!!"

Sontag shook his head, amazed. "Williams also didn't read every
screen of the ATM window. She didn't get on her cell phone and
ask guidance from her best friend on the best denominations to
withdraw!"

Sontag continued. "While the ATM was processing her request,"
Sontag sits, obviously overcome with disbelief, "Ms. Williams
didn't start touching up her makeup! There was no adjusting of
the rear view mirror, no fumbling through her purse for some
lipstick. This had an enormous effect on her record breaking run
since she didn't have to put all of that crap away when the money
came out!"

When the money popped out of the ATM, Sontag reports, Williams
was ready. "As I said, she wasn't putting on her makeup. She was
studying the machine and when that money came out, she removed
it. Pressed the button to let it know she didn't want any other
transactions -- and, because she never took her car out of
'drive', she didn't put the car in *reverse* and back up over the
guy behind her!"

Union Planters had a camera on the entire transaction and plans
to turning the film into a training video for the ATM-challenged.

YB* · (#35 (**permalink**))

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking
around with a fly-swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting flies" he responded.

"Oh! Killing any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males and 2 females" he replied.

Intrigued, she asked "How can you tell?"

"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone" he responded

************************************************** ********

"I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?"

- Paul Merton.

YB* · (#36 (**permalink**))

One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed
some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider
giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever
gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down
and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He
was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his
congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person
who placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly
raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front.
Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful
it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to
pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed
to the three handsomest men in the building and said,

"I'll take him, and him, and him."

YB* · (#37 (**permalink**))

"I think I have a problem, Doc," says a patient. "One of my balls
has turned blue."

The doctor examines the man briefly and concludes that the
patient will die if he doesn't have his testicle removed.

"Are you crazy?!" bursts the patient. "How could I let you do
such a thing to me!"

"You want to die?" asks the doctor rhetorically, at which point
the patient has to agree to have his testicle removed.

Two weeks after the operation, the patient comes back. "Doc, I
don't know how to say this, but the other ball has turned blue,
too."

Again, the doctor tells him that if he wants to live, his other
testicle must be cut off, too. Again, the man is very resistant
to the idea.

"Hey, you want to die?" asks the doctor, and the patient has to
agree with the operation.

After two weeks of being testicle-less, the patient returns to
the doctor and says, "I think something is very wrong with me. My
penis is now completely blue."

After briefly examining the patient, the doctor gives him the bad
news: If he wants to live, his penis has to go. Of course, the
patient does not want to hear about it.

"You want to die?" asks the doctor.

"But... how do I pee?"

"We'll install a plastic pipe, and there will be no problem."

So the patient has his penis removed. A short while after the
operation, the unfortunate man enters the doctor's office again.

He is very angry.

"Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue!"

"What?"

"The plastic pipe turned blue. Can you tell me what the hell is
happening??"

The doctor examines the patient more carefully and says,

"Hmmm, I don't know. Could it be the dye from your jeans?"

YB* · (#38 (**permalink**))

There are 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:

• He called everyone "brother"

• He liked Gospel

• He couldn't get a fair trial.

But there are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish

• He went into His Father's business.

• He lived at home until he was 33.

• He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he
was God.

But there are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

• He talked with his hands.

• He had wine with every meal.

• He used olive oil.

But there are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a
Californian:

• He never cut his hair.

• He walked around barefoot all the time.

• He started a new religion.

But there are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:

• He never got married.

• He was always telling stories.

• He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was
a woman:

• He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no
food.

• He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who
just didn't get it.

• Even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more
work for him to do.

YB* · (#39 (**permalink**))

This is what most of us here do in life, hope you get the message

A guy named Joe finds himself in dire circumstances. His business
has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so
desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He begins to
pray...

"God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get
some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win
the lotto."

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

Joe again prays...

"God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my
house and I'm going to lose my car as well".

Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck.

Once again, he prays...

"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my
house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't
often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to
you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get
my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open
and Joe is confronted by the voice of God Himself:

"Joe, meet me halfway on this. Buy a ticket

sdolphin · (#40 (**permalink**))

Message received, loud and clear.