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Default 05-19-2008, 09:09 AM

St. Peter meets Mother Theresa at the Gates Of Heaven and says,

"You were a good woman on Earth. I'm giving you a nice halo."

Mother Theresa is walking around Heaven when she sees Princess
Di, and the Princess has a much bigger halo.

Mother Theresa goes back to St. Peter and says,

"St. Peter, I spent most of my adult life helping the poor and
the sickly. Princess Di did nowhere near the amount of charitable
work I did. Why does she have a bigger halo?"

St. Peter says, "That's not a halo. That's a steering wheel."

************************************************** ********

Two blacks guys were walking along a road in Los Angeles when
they were struck by a police car driven by a drunken LA cop.

One guy was thrown through the windscreen and the other was
knocked down an embankment.

The first guy was charged with breaking and entering and the
second with leaving the scene of an accident.
 


Just because you've always done it that way, doesn't mean its not incredibly stupid.
“If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten” (Mark Twain)
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Default 05-20-2008, 05:26 AM

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a
complete checkup. After a performing a thorough examination and
running multiple tests, the doctor comes out with the results.

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," says the doctor, "You're
dying, and you don't have much time left."

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man, "How long have I got?"

"Ten," the doctor says sadly.

"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? Ten What?"

"Nine..."

************************************************** ********

A very tired husband came home from the office after a long
grueling day to find his wife in her sexiest nightgown waiting
for him at the door with a couple of glasses of wine in hand.

She took his briefcase from him and led him over to the couch
where she proceeded to help make him "more comfortable."

"How should we do it tonight, honey?" she cooed in his ear,
"Shall we do 69?"

"I don't think so dear. I'm pretty tired. How about 68?" he said.

"Huh, 68? What's 68?" she asked, a little puzzled.

"You do me, and I'll owe you one."

************************************************** ********

This guy fell asleep on the beach one day and the wind came up
and blew sand all over him until he was covered with only his big
toe sticking out.

An old nympho was walking down the beach, saw the toe sticking
up, pulled down her bikini bottom and squatted over the toe. She
humped away till she was satisfied, pulled up her drawers and
left.

The guy woke up, brushed the sand away and left, not knowing what
happened. The next day his foot itched like hell, and had a sore
on it. He went to the Dr. and after an exam the doc told him he
had syphilis of the big toe.

"Syphilis of the big toe?", he inquired, "isn't that rare."

The doc said "You think that's rare, I had a woman in here this
morning with athlete's p.ussy."
 


Just because you've always done it that way, doesn't mean its not incredibly stupid.
“If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten” (Mark Twain)
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Default 05-20-2008, 06:29 AM

hahahahaha, @YB you are killing me man
 


Wat u call problems cud be sources of encouragement & challenges r wake up calls 4 more effort. Mycalian
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Default 05-21-2008, 06:29 AM

@busy, glad you are enjoying


A man and a woman were having drinks, getting to know one another
and started bantering back and forth about male / female issues.
They talked about who was better in certain sports, who were the
better entertainers, etc. The flirting continued for more than an
hour when the topic of sex came up. So they got into an argument
about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do
you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"

He then went on for several hours arguing his point, even going
so far as to ask other men in the bar for their opinions. The
woman listened quietly until the man was finished making his
point. Confident in the strength of his argument, the man awaited
her response.


"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered.

"Think about this - When your ear itches and you put your little
finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels
better - your ear or your finger?"
 


Just because you've always done it that way, doesn't mean its not incredibly stupid.
“If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten” (Mark Twain)
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Default 05-21-2008, 06:33 AM

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she
needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin,
I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address,
social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your
occupation?"

The woman replies, "I'm a whore."

The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work.
That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman, "OK, I'm a prostitute."

"No, that is still too crude. Try again."

They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a
chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with
being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."
 


Just because you've always done it that way, doesn't mean its not incredibly stupid.
“If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten” (Mark Twain)
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Default 05-21-2008, 08:21 AM

you know what brother, the one above about who enjoys sex more is soo cool and was worth the arguement, but it also makes a lot of sense, don't you think so?

You got cool jokes man
 


Wat u call problems cud be sources of encouragement & challenges r wake up calls 4 more effort. Mycalian
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Default 05-21-2008, 08:58 AM

YB you've been busy(with pun) kweli.
Loving your jokes.
 


superiority complex, her sister, inferiority complex, are one and the same malice. Part manifested thereof is solely dependent on the persons that are in the vicinity
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Default 05-21-2008, 11:33 PM

Ninaona bado kazi inaendelea... kip it up!
 
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Default iNTERESTING - 05-22-2008, 01:28 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Busy View Post
you know what brother, the one above about who enjoys sex more is soo cool and was worth the arguement, but it also makes a lot of sense, don't you think so?
@Busy, its all about perspective What if the finger was itching?? Then the finger would feel better, lakini problem with the finger, you dont have to insert it anywhere to maliza the itch, you can scratch it with our hand . and with the ear you can use other aids like cotton buds

@Sdolphin and Ester, Am enjoying this tremendously so nitaendelea as long as am here

************************************************** ********


Something to reflect and ponder on - not a joke per se, but you can snope it and find out if its true, its about expressions used in the english language



LIFE IN THE 1500'S

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.

Here are some facts about the 1500s:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June.. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour.

Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.

Hence the saying, Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water..

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof.

Hence the saying It's raining cats and dogs.

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection.

That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, Dirt poor. The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway.

Hence the saying a threshold.


(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot.

They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.

Hence the rhyme, Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old..

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, bring home the bacon. They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes.

So for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky.. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up.

Hence the custom of holding a wake.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell.

Hence, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a ..dead ringer..

And that's the truth. Now, whoever said History was boring ! ! !
 


Just because you've always done it that way, doesn't mean its not incredibly stupid.
“If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten” (Mark Twain)

Last edited by YB* : 05-22-2008 at 02:42 AM.
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Default 05-22-2008, 02:30 AM

hahahaha, kumbe history si boring.Lakini ya shule hiyo sina say.Asante sana YB* kwa kutuletea vichekesho ama tutaviita aje?
 


Wat u call problems cud be sources of encouragement & challenges r wake up calls 4 more effort. Mycalian
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