[Jibril Cessay]

I've started the day with the blues once again. It's been a while since I felt depressed. This morning, thoughts of death are overwhelmingly inundating. I had to keep myself indoors for a while, cos I was thinking of either jumping the bridge that leads to the intersection near my house or just plain getting hit by a zooming vehicle. I hope I don't get to work late.

I've hid a few forks from myself so that I don't hurt myself. At the moment, I'm playing some Diana Ross music. It is mellow and comforting.

I feel so alone....it is as though I've been locked up in a fiery furnace and I'm the only one not burning fast enough. The wierd thing is that my whole family is here this summer but I feel worse around them.

Kwanza, jana I got a decent pay-check and I tried in vain to treat folks. I think only Mzee liked his giant bottle of Miller's light and crunchy peanut doughnuts. Mathe didn't feel jack. She only quipped that she hasn't heard 'Rivers of Babylon' by Boney M in several years. I bought her the CD lakini the zero-sum feeling continued...My sis started ujinga of what abt the bills and I asked why she is worried when we always get bills cleared in good time. Sometimes her faithless attitude just makes me wonder why she calls herself a Christians...People in Christ are supposed to live by faith. Everyday we count our blessings....every time we are hit by small troubles we are supposed to rejoice 'knowing faith worketh patience'....I gave her 40 bucks for the Cable Bill and then she said she will see to it that our HBO and other channels are katwaad. I was hoping that I'd have HBO to watch Def-Jam poetry every Friday. I have volunteered to pay for the extra costs of having more TV channels but regardless, she won't budge. What's the point of making money, if it can't be spent to make one's life tolerable??

I think I might just call off work....I might end up bungling up my duties na leo ni siku kuu kwa dept ya inventory.

Oh God! Why do we have to be oscillating through many emotional roller coasters????