[Volina]

This would be you with multiple handles, that young men wiht loneliness, that young lady who advertises sex online and even in chatrooms, that young man and woman who can't study and broaden their minds because they chat the whole nite. This is for you. Please stop it and run from this site and be something God wants you to be , be a daddy, be something out there:) Thank you for listening.



Crocodile Tears come too late



It all started with an immaculate lie, just some slight exaggeration about the pot not standing when I did not want to go and fetch water from the river. I was the good kid, born into this wonderful, Christian family. I grew up knowing right and wrong and attended church every week. I came to accept Christ, although I never quite understood what I was doing or putting myself into. I felt like I was baptized but not born again. I attended the baptismal class and I followed the crowd to the waters at twelve years old, just like Jesus. I found comfort in the sense that , I was following Jesus’ footsteps and this was doing what God desired of me.



One day, my mother was going somewhere, in a town near my hometown. She had some business there and she left this money in her bed before going. You see, I was this kid who never really saw that much money. We were not that wealthy or anything. So, when I saw that money, I would not stop shaking with excitement. I was like, “ let me keep some for her.” So I took the money and hid it somewhere in the house. When she came back to start the journey. The money was not there. I had hid it, just like Achan hid the cloth and the whole Israel agonized and cried. She cried and searched, she even postponed her journey. I was just too afraid to give it back. I did not know that she needed all the money in order to start her journey.



Somehow, she managed leaving and she asked that whoever who took the money better return it before she got back. I did not even feel shaken, went on with business, and never thought of the money. Then, this evil thoughts started coming into mind, I decided that I should keep some money and the other use it to buy books, rulers, and food when I went to school. I used to attend this private school at the time. Sometimes, they did not cook good food at lunch. So, I used the money to buy stuff. I was in Junior High then, now that I would call it. Then, this was Africa. After so much agony and anguish that I caused her, I returned the money afterwards, but I had already caused so much pain, just like last minute when Achan confessed his sins. She was the only one raising us; my dad was already here in America.



This is how the lying started. My heart hardened and felt like stone. Even if I saw people cry and do all kinds of things, I would not even prink if I hurt them. The devil had won and I was his instrument to destroy and cause pain. I felt that I had to be good in order to serve God. So I had to please other people, even if it meant stealing my mother’s money to buy my friends candy at school, I would. I just thought that if I would be good, everybody would see me just as perfect even though I did not understand what my Father above wanted of me, then I would please him.



After a long dive into sin, I became a liar but I did not know it. I justified myself and never lied, after soul searching and I went to Boarding school. I did lie a couple of time in Boarding, but God brought this wonderful person in my life. She encouraged me in the Lord and we prayed together. I even started preaching to other kids what I had learned from the Bible. I started to see what God wanted of me, and then I started using my talents. I performed and even formed plays and skits for the students. I wrote poetry and everything was fine. God had started drawing me closer to him. Even when I went home for the Holidays, I was that strong, standing pathfinder at my church. I organized skits and the pathfinders performed. I felt that I was doing good in my life, but I did not give God total control.



God had created me for a reason; He somehow wanted me to fulfill that purpose in my life. Moreover, he wanted me to fulfill it here in America. Fortunately, I also joined my parents and everything was fine now. God would use me if I pleased him. Then, the devil saw it all and he sent someone into my life who did not even know God. I was new to this country without a friend, so I befriended this person. I was very young then when I came here, without a mind of my own or even strong convictions. If someone told me to go south, I would go. This was not because I did not know right from wrong, but it was because I felt that I had to help this person know God. I never realized that I too did not know God. I had not accepted God as my personal savior and master. I had not realized that Jesus had come to set the captives free. Not only did I not know what I preached; I did not even understand it myself.



After spending time with this person who did not attend church, a friend to the family. I came to trust him blindly. I felt good that now I was in America and I had a friend now. It felt so good then. I felt that I was at home now. He was a man, way older than I was and he brainwashed me . I became rebellious and did not obey my parents . I would even go as far as going to his house. He lived just down the street, so I would walk there. I never knew that if some junkie found me walking alone, I would be kidnapped. I did not know what America was all about. So, here I was very new to this country and without any friends.



The man was catholic, and he never went to church. So I wanted to spread the gospel. Even doing something as stupid as going to his place alone when he asked me to, I would. Just like the wind swaying the leaves, I became a slave to this person. I would do what he wanted of me and I thought there was nothing wrong with it. After all, he was my wonderful, watchful, faithful friend. I had not even learned psychology then, I had not even gone to High school then. He misled me, but thank God my parents realized and stopped it.



The stopping, it was dirty. I came to realize that in this country, I was a minor and he would be convicted. My teachers knowing about it and the students I attended school with, made me run from reality. The teachers would even announce it at class and everyone would laugh about it. Low self-esteem started kicking. I did not have any friend now to confide in or to talk about the incident. I was just this new kid from Africa, who was very ignorant. Life was pain now. People started talking and treating me differently. They talked about how this new kid had become spoilt in this country. My teachers were fighting for me, because I had potential and I was a smart kid. Even when the police were involved, they wanted this person to be locked up. Well, since he did not do anything to me like rape or something serious I did not see any need to press charges. I did not even understand what pressing charges meant. My parents were fighting for me, because I was like their lamp. They wanted the best for me. Nevertheless, I never saw it coming down hard on me like it did and then, now I was the loner.



I became a pretender. I hid what hurt inside, low self-esteem kicking and all. I never talked to my counselor about it, so now I wanted to hide from it. One day I was doing this research online and I had heard some people talking about making friends online. It was like the perfect idea. No one would know about it online. I would be perfect. I would be fake. I would be wretched. I never talked to even my mom. My parents were the enemy. I did not know where to turn, but somewhere no one knew me. Somewhere I would be different or perhaps the ideal me.



Not that I had not know about the love of God. I had heard about the love of God at church and how He forgave souls like stoned hearted as mine. I did not even know how to become God’s friend. I had heard from the radio a song that said, “ oh God, if I would draw closer to you and be my friend.” I had even learned about Job and how his friends failed him, including his wife but God did not fail him and God became his friend. As for me, I did not know how to be God’s friend. So when I discovered this way of living online. I felt like this was the noble idea, I was beyond excitement. I would be normal again, or so I thought.



It started like just being bored and chatting with wonderful people online on this chat line that I had discovered. There were people of my tribe or even from my country. We discussed politics and then they introduced me to this site where people from my tribe discussed issues. I was a very good writer and had wonderful ideas about Religion, Politics, Growing up and other cognitive issues that affect us as a people. It was perfect; I even improved on my writing and met wonderful people who claimed to love God. I guess when I told this people that I was a Christian, they would also be Christians. I did not realize, why grown up people would waste time online chatting or discussing disgusting issues that would not pay their rent. However, I was still enthusiastic about posting my ideas and getting feedback. It was like a heavenly sent gift just meeting people who spoke my language and shared my sentiments.



Online became my scapegoat, my ideal world, my hiding place from reality. I was doing great now, everything was normal. I came home as usual, ate, worked on my homework and no friend to call and then bored, just harmless chatting with wonderful people or so I thought. My world as I knew it was perfect. I would be a scientist, a doctor, a secretary, a president online if I wanted to be. The devil was working now. God still called me. He even chose me to do His work. I was nominated a deaconess at my church. Something I did not know how to do. I guess people thought I was a good kid. But inside, I felt like a monster forsaken in a desert. Still, the love of God that drew me to him with loving kindness did not fail me. I started reading the Bible and I prayed very good. I even memorized prayers, but I did not even know who I was praying to.



In my family we prayed together and fellowshipped. I did not know why I was Adventist or why I prayed. Although I read the Bible too, but minor stories that the Holy Spirit which by now kept rebuking me did not even reveal to me the insight of depth into what I was reading. I guess I was doing it as a tradition. I had been born into an Adventist family. It was tradition to go to church, to pray together. I had even memorized the verses. Still I had not let God be my savior and master. I was like possessed with evil spirits. I would say stuff online, evil stuff and laugh about it or even formed characters that I called my friends and invented stupidity just to make it sound like humor.



The website was wonderful, many people joined, some were good and some were evil. Anyway, they all had some problem, no one would waste time online talking about Politics or stupidity or no twenty something man or woman would be spending time online to do nothing. There was always something wrong with people who came there. I guess we had something in common with this people. I wasted time that I would perhaps be running outside if I was tired from school or studying . I failed God, who had brought me to this country for a purpose. I justified my failures, blamed people for my mistakes. I blamed my parents for my mistakes, although in some way if they had helped me get counseling or believe in me anyway even though I failed them. Then again, there was no one to take responsibility for my behavior.



It was beyond control. Now, to get friends online I had to lie. I came to realize that If I told someone that I was ten years old, no one would be my friend. This country had rules.



I met this man who professed to be God fearing. Before I even asked his name, he told me about how accomplished, confident, level-headed he was. He professed to be very intelligent, and humble. I was like, thank you God for sending me a friend who would encourage me to be a better person. This man loved my ideas and he saw that I was a Christian too and he even went as far saying that there was something peculiar about me. There was some light shine in me. He was perfect. He was way older than I was ; he had even finished school and was going for PH.D. He was still working for IT company and did not have a clear objective on where to go to college or if he would pursue IT or venture into Pharmacy. I would not tell him how old I was in real life. I would not tell him that I was still in High school and about to graduate the next year. I had to lie to him. So I skimmed a plan. He had told me about everything in his life. I figured I would not even tell him my real name. As I said, online one would be anything and so I lied and he became my good friend.



We were good friends or so we became. He was Mr. Lonely and here I was hiding from reality. He was accomplished as he said, but what if he lied too? What if he had broken legs or arms or face? What if what he professed to be was not true? What if? However, I just entertained the friendship. I stopped hiding. He had changed my life. I stopped chatting with the wonderful people and started being normal slowly by slowly. I kept praying and asking God to help be a better person. Through this person, I retired from the site and started a blog of my own where people would comment on my ideas and all. I had started two blogs, one where I would hide from who I really was, and one where I would be myself. I had thrown myself out and not even God would help me now or so I thought .



The problem had started when I came to a new country without a friend. Moreover, it grew into hiding from the real problem and becoming something I was not. I even went as far as pleasing people. I had warnings, but I was too blind to see. I had lost it and I just gave up on trying to ask God to be my savior and master. I really wanted to serve God. I wanted God to help me be a better person.

One day we visited some friends and I read the book, “ The purpose Driven Life.” This was perhaps the first time for me to go out to the real world from my home. I was excited. I came to realize that God would accept me just the way I was. He would create in me a clean heart. I was baptized but not born again.

I realized that I was not an accident whether my parents planned me or not. I also came to realize that life is a temporary assignment. God had created me for a purpose and everything that happened to me, was one step closer to rebuking me, nurturing me, suffering to becoming what he wanted me to be and not what he wanted me to do. I realized from the book of Jeremiah that God was watching over me. Before I was even born, he knit me in my mother’s womb. He knew my thoughts before I said them. He knew my heart and everything about me from when I crawled until now. I did not know that God had a purpose for my life. I thought I had to figure what I wanted to do and not be and this is why I wanted to please. However, being good would not save me.



As I started seeing how God loved me, he loved me enough to send his begotten son to dying for my many sins. He loved me with everlasting love. His love was unchanging; his love was forever, eternal and total. Despite my many faults, even when I gave up on him and drew my own cisterns to draw water from, he still loved me and drew me to him with everlasting love and loving kindness. Jeremiah 31:3 , a verse that changed my life forever. This I will never forget.



I do not know If the man that I met, the one who started believing in me and encouraging me was a good person or God fearing. Only God knows our hearts. Perhaps he was just using God’s name in vain to please me .I do not know, but one thing I know for sure somehow he changed my life. I told him the truth, he was disappointed in me, but I know that as I truly repented. My life would never be the same again. I have burned my many sins at the cross. Moreover, God who loves me enough to rebuke me to turn to Him and repent has forgiven me. He says that I am the Alfa and Omega. The beginning and the end. He is the “I AM.”





I want to share my story because I know many young and even old people as older as 40 do this stuff online. Men and women, God fearing, unbelieving and believing leave church and go online to sell themselves in one way or another. Every teenager that I know chats online and some post stuff online. Most college students chat online, lie about their age, lie about who they are and become something they are not. Mr. Lonely chats online too and Miss. Lonely. Men especially with HIV Aids find young girls online and satisfy themselves with them by words and deeds. I was watching this show on Television. It was in Divorce Court. The man was a gigolo or something. He would get women online who would send him money and he would go and sleep with me and please them. This is how he earned a living. The devil has attracted young men and women to the Internet to do this evil. Men who should be spreading the word of God and doing what God intends them to do. This woman is daughter; this man is your son.



I know you would be lonely or looking for a spouse or something. Nevertheless, online is bad news. The Internet makes you a slave. You see, it was as harmless as posting my ideas and learning and getting feedback that lying developed. Plagiarism developed and I learned tricks that I would never have known if I had found some community service to do instead of live online.



We have a problem and this why I am taking the vote of confidence. It might look bad, tarnish my character, people will scorn and laugh but this is a real problem and we need to talk about it. We need to help our children be better people in the community.

I say this because I care and because every teenager does it. There is really nothing better to do if you do not even have a job. Studying all the time would make jack a dull boy even more. When I go to the Library I find your children, as young as 6 yrs old chatting online. I see men with wives and children watching pornography online. The TV alone has corrupted our children. This is a bad problem and we need help. We have to talk about it.



If you feel that urge to talk to someone, please do not go online looking for friends or even posting your ideas unless you are done with what God wanted you to be. I made this mistake and it cost my whole self and I have to live again and learn again and be a better person. I want to help other people whom I know, who do this stuff. Grown men and women who come to church , who profess Christianity. Mature men and women who should be working and making something out of their lives .



I thank God for rebuking me; helping me be a better person. I want to help someone else too stop because this is a real problem. I would have gone on and on blindly, not knowing what God wanted me to be and then at the end go to hell. However, I have realized that I will not deny God and nothing now more than ever can separate me from him. Be either loneliness or problems or things that I do not understand.



I thank God for my parents, who helped me see what my problem is and helped me be a better person. I will forever be thankful for them. I will cherish every moment with them because they way smarter than I am. I love them so much and I thank God that he put me here in this family. More than ever, I want to help other young men and women sleeping on the Internet to wake up. God has something better for us all to do and be. It took me three years of agony trying to be something I am not. Alone in this foreign country to realize that there is a God and this God has some plan not to harm me but prosper me. That he created me for a reason and has a purpose for my life. And this is my purpose to help someone stalked online to find out that there is something better to be done with the time that God has given us than waste it on chatting or posting stupidity online.





I can see wonderful children, men going to PHD, men with wisdom and intellect, high vocations and full of ardent thoughts swayed and lied to. Men who follow the crowd because there is nothing to do now, if he or she is out from work. The only places to go online and profess something because he or she cannot handle living like a normal being, with God’s image. We are precious and God wants to use you and me to go to southern Sudan, to go somewhere in Africa and everywhere in the world and do his work.



You are wonderful as you are, when God sees you He smiles. I wish I knew this before running from reality, but thank God that He showed me anyway. Thank God for sending warnings into my life and helping me be a better person.



Sisters, brothers, listen to God’s voice and do not harden your heart when he is calling you. The door is open and God is calling. Stop being crazy out there, but come to Him and surrender and let Him work in you.





This is a crime that I should be punished for or that I should punish myself. I almost took my life because I did not have a sense of direction and that because I would not trust anyone. However, God did save my life and I want to help someone do something different and change their sense of direction. You can make a difference because God would help you be a better person. I do not know how or where but this is my testimony that shows that God does work miraculously. I want to go into the ministry and venture into psychology to help other people. This is my calling and I want God to help me each day do something different. My journey has only begun, but only God is my strength, my friend now, and my everything. I have realized what he means to me and what his love is. I wasted the precious time that I had, but crocodile tears always come too late. I am also glad to realize that it is never too late to change, that still the door is open.



There would be someone out there struggling with a habit he or she cannot break. It would be watching TV, chatting online, having stupid discussions online, or afraid to trust God. I am a living testimony that what is impossible with man is possible with God.











The world is still beautiful.