[ishawam]

It is commonly said that women are their own worst enemies. For the longest time, I believed that this was just anti-women propaganda perpetuated by members of the opposite sex. After holding numerous brainstorming sessions with both men and women, I have now come to the painful and real realisation that in matters of the bedroom, we are indeed our worst enemies.

Men have come to the conclusion that women have an in-built device that automatically generates the word 'No'. Even when a man has used the sweetest, honey-coated words to woo his woman, she will without fail spew out the word no. On the rare occasion when she says yes, it is almost always a condition laden yes. She will insist that you must fulfil a long list of conditions and she must conduct a full inspection of premises before she agrees to join in the fun. Some of us are giving womanhood a bad name by demanding that our men must first pay for our cousins' and sisters' school fees before they can partake of our bedroom goodies. Some poor bloke told me that his partner will not let him near her since he is yet to fix her leaking roof.

Another put off according to several men is the way some women dress for bed. The word here is simply disastrous and it is a wonder our men still want us. I know insecurity is way of control in this country but this is no reason for women to dress as if they are going for combat. Some women go to bed with bullet proof vests, rust proof helmets and injure-resistant leg wear. I often wonder if we sometimes imagine that once we go to bed, we will be mysteriously transported to the polar zone hence the need to dress like polar bears. Any man trying to pry the lady out of these numerous layers of clothing is basically flirting with lifelong injuries and in some cases, death.

Women are great believers in preservation and are usually not wasteful. This also applies to the way they deal with their bedroom garments. We will keep sweaters and socks from our high school days and use them as sleepwear. These eyesores not only wither any libido that might be lurking in the air but also pose serious dangers to our men's eyes. It is unfair and unreasonable to expect excitement from a man when the only thing that may be exciting in the bedroom is the bed. If women cannot figure out how to dress for bed, then we should consider wearing nothing at all.

My femininity and womanhood was terribly insulted recently when a much-aggrieved man complained to a group of us that female body odours are killing their ardour. According to these blokes, some women emit dangerous fumes that mature under the cover of darkness. The combination of avocado-egg yolk face masks, coconut oil based hair treatments and cocoa butter body lotion confuses not only the nostrils but also the loins. They say they have to seek for divine intervention to save them from these passion killing smells. Women are being told that if they want bedroom standards to improve, they must take time to dress and smell the part.

Kenyan men are claiming that their efforts at providing women with excitement are not being full appreciated. The men use lots of energy in a bid to bring some measure of delight to their partners. But what do women do? Most just lie there like a sack of potatoes and show no appreciation for our hardworking mates. We do not urge them by word or deed as they labour to perform one of the greatest feats on earth - making a woman happy. Kenyan women get top marks in terms of adopting new fashions and trends but are hopeless when it comes to using the same approach on sexual matters. I was duly informed that we are infamous for lacking in creativity and ingenuity in the bedroom. Women of this land will not try anything that falls outside what they consider 'normal" and proper methods of conducting business in the bedroom. They refuse to be twisted, turned into any position that is unorthodox or unmissionary.

The reason why Kenyan men are perceived (wrongly according to them) to be substandard in the sack is because women talk too much. A huge cause for concern is the fact that women like to rate and share their men's performances with the entire world. For example, if a guy fails to rise to the occasion just once, the entire gang will know and label him impotent. If he fails to deliver the big O, his girl's chama will brand him a selfish lover and declare him a non-starter. When a man takes his woman to bed, he might as well be bedding the entire female species. This is because his performance will be re-hashed and dissected upto the last detail next time the girls get together. The men tell me that trying to give pleasure which meets the standards of an entire city is putting them under excessive stress. If women want men to perform better, they ought to consider shutting their mouths when it comes to the bedroom.

Based on the intensity of the sentiments from the men, I have come to believe that Women must go back to the drawing board and examine their pleasure habits. We have been accusing men of failing to make our earth move. After listening to them and analysing our behaviour, I have realised that if we continue in this manner, the earth might never shift leave alone shake. It is time to get rid of the uninspiring, negative, badly dressed material that most of us give men to work with. In the spirit of improving things, I have immediately cast away my old, tattered nighties and invested in some of those slinky lingeries I saw features in this magazine recently. I would urge all you women out there to take a keen look at yourselves before you complain next time.