Sorry lads, I could not resist.
Liverpool’s disastrous run can perhaps be understood following the unveiling of their new kit…
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24 items tagged "Reflections"
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7:52
Liverpool
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Kibaki Strikes Bolt
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Life In Kenya
» tHiNkEr'S rOoM Life in Kenya is best described as … interesting. No word quite captures the nuances of life in this wonderful country. The next best attempt was made MD of one of the leading mobile telephony provider, who famously described his clientele as ‘peculiar’ some data presented to him by his sales and marketing departments on our calling habits.
Global recessions, famine, and fallout from a chaotic and ugly electoral process aside, upon contemplating my existence in this land I love, I find that unlike many of our 53 odd neighbours, we have much to smile about.
Among the plethora of institutions funded wholly by the taxpayer is the Kenya Anti Corruption Commission, the KACC. You’d be surprised to know that the KACC is not known for slaying the hydra of corruption. The KACC, surprisingly, is better known by the fact that the Director pockets a handsome salary of 2.5 million Kenyan shillings. To aid in perspective, the president mentioned above has a salary of 2.2 million shillings, and the minimum wage is just over 7,000 shillings.
I personally would not mind contributing to this gentleman’s salary was it not for the fact that besides several flights, and the occasional flu, it is difficult to point at anything else that gentleman has caught. Pundits have loudly wondered if there would be any difference if the organization existed at all. Apprehension of the odd chicken thief and the junior policeman pocketing the odd hundred shilling note is, on the whole, not commensurate with the infrastructure and wage bill that institution has at its disposal.
Our members of parliament are some of the most highly paid in the world, all 220 or so of them. Again, I would not mind paying their handsome salaries were it not for the fact that a good number of these fine characters barely have opposable thumbs and binocular vision. Fisticuffs among our honourable members are a common occurrence.
Today I’m taking in with suspended belief the news that our President has exercised the authority of his office and with immediate effect the Police Commissioner will relinquish his duties in the police force and report for his new duties as the Postmaster General of the Postal Corporation of Kenya. I suspect that ex-army and now ex-policeman will find that the bullets in letters are dealt with somewhat differently.
I’m reminded of the day of the national budget, when our worthy finance minister attempted to contain his cabinet colleagues by issuing a decree that all official vehicles have a capacity not greater than 1800 cc. This news was received with stunned amazement by the honourable members who loudly inquired how they were supposed to drive on the terrible roads with small cars. One minister loudly complained that the thought of driving the same vehicle as a teenager was inconsistent with his dignity as a cabinet minister and a human being as a whole.
Going back to our head of state, it is unanimously agreed that worthy leader adopts a famously laissez faire attitude towards the execution of his duties. In fact there are two schools of thought, one that fronts his belief in infrastructure and delegation of duties and the other of the opinion the Commander In Chief of our armed forces has an acute disinclination to work.
What impresses both camps is that when it comes to enumerating the members of the first family, His Excellency’s enthusiasm and verve is second to none. To put this into context, there has long been speculation of an unofficial second occupant of the office of the first lady. This speculation has not been kindly received by the official occupant of said office. The sight of the powerful man able to declare war on friends and foe reading the names of his spouse (one) and offspring is not one that comes often.
Much has been said about the unfortunate events of the 2007 elections. The democratic process has much to be proud of when a constituency has an impressive voter turnout of 120%. The chairman of Electoral Commission of Kenya, while reading such logistic discrepancies, had a cherubic mien as he read out remarkable statistics like in a region with 100,000 registered voters, 120,000 votes were cast.
The results of that process led to an unwilling coalition of bedfellows, with an incumbent president retaining office, a third place finisher who finished so far behind as to be first in the 2012 elections taking office as Vice President and the second placed finisher being sworn in as Prime Minister. With close to 40 ministers, taking minutes at Cabinet meetings is not work for the faint at heart. With close to 40 ministers, those who don’t quite understand the logistic difficulties faced in the construction of the Tower Of Babel are invited to observe the operations of the Kenyan cabinet.
Yes, there is plenty to smile about.
© M for tHiNkEr'S rOoM, 2009. | Permalink | 9 comments | Add to del.icio.us
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Dear Leadership Of Kenya
» tHiNkEr'S rOoM A brief recap of the things we cannot get reliably follows:
- Water
- Electricity
- Security
- Food
- Forest cover
- Roads
A brief recap of what you provide reliably follows:
- Bullshit
- Noise
- Tribalism
- Theft of our money
- Theft of our resources
- Entertainment
I assure you dear leaders, we prefer the former.
What’s more, I deeply resent the fact that 46% of everything I earn goes into your pockets to pay for your expenses, Mistresses in Lavington, travel junkets and H2O to water your ducks, swans and geese while I wallow in hardship, hungry, thirsty and in the dark
I refuse to address you and your ilk as honourable, for you are no such thing.
I am mystified that in 2009, 45 years after independence we are still suffering indignities of power and water rationing. How is it that at tropical country straddling the equator with good weather is suffering indignities that Israel, a country that only has sand is not? Nonsense I say.
I had much faith in the ‘new, young’ leadership that were elected in the last election. These fellows have proven to be as cloth headed as their predecessors if not more. The young MPs in this parliament seem to be particularly challenged in the intelligence department. Sad really.
I read in today’s paper that some of you object to being lectured on good governance.
I would recommend you tell your objections to the birds because I for one cannot take one more second of your empty, meaningless speeches. I would think a better way to keep from being lectured on good governance is to govern well but this solution does not seem to have caught your attention.
Thanks to you we have killed each other and burned our property. Thanks to you we are now reduced to tribes and regions. Thanks to you we are retrogressing in every possible way. Thanks to you we are achieving the dubious distinction of being 14th in the list of failed states.
Before you get puffed up, let me leave you under no illusions. If you cannot provide
- Food
- Water
- Security
- Freedom of movement
- Leadership
Then you are governing a gaddem failed state!
It amuses me to no end that last week you announced arrival of high speed Internet and today you announce power rationing. Sometimes I feel like an unknowing participant in Saturday Night Live.
it is no coincidence that I refused to move for your passing convoy the other day. The next time we meet I won’t either. Why should I? Remember that I’m your boss, and not the other way.
Now that you have ruined this country, killed its people and agreed to absolve yourselves of the blame and don’t seem all that bothered about it, I take comfort in the fact that what goes around invariably comes around. You’ll get yours.
Yours,
A disappointed and disgusted Kenyan.
PIC OF THE DAY
Eh! What are Batman & Robin doing?
© M for tHiNkEr'S rOoM, 2009. | Permalink | 20 comments | Add to del.icio.us
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Marketing Type
» tHiNkEr'S rOoM The level of canned phrases doing the rounds in newspapers, radio, TV and magazines is rapidly assuming dimensions of a natural disaster. It is very difficult nowadays to ingest news in any of the various alternatives (let us limit to reading, watching and listening) without being left with a feeling of slight bewilderment, leaving you looking like Musikari Kombo after Moses Wetangula passes by with a manilla folder with the Ford Kenya Logo.
We can lay the cause of this state of affairs straight at the feet of marketing types and the press, who ply us day in day out with the same cliches.
It was the dawning of a new day, heralding one small step for man and one giant step for mankind. Cognizant of the looming economic crisis, an individual we shall call Bill who wishes to remain anonymous on the grounds that he is not authorized to comment, rose from his bed like a phoenix from the ashes.
Levering the cutting edge technology of opposable thumbs and knees, Bill climbed down from his bed, engaging first gear in the first phase of the operation to secure breakfast. Partners and stakeholders in the enterprise, fully invested, included his dog Woofy and his cat Tom, who were the latest initiatives in the cutting edge of modern pet-titude, watched him rise through the banisters.
Rather than eat out, Bill elected to quickly have a have a local tribunal, at the conclusion of which swine was drawn, quartered and fried over a greasy fire with Milk 2.0 and Next Generation Bread.
I’m just saying, personally I would rather
Bill woke up and headed upstairs to the kitchen, where he had bacon, milk & bread
But that’s just me.
Just last week some bright eyed, enthusiastic marketing types infested my presence visited me. Gushing with enthusiasm and verve they laid a tapestry of powerpoint slides with more bullets than a meeting of APs and regular policemen before my jaundiced eye.
Powerpoint presentations, as I regularly tell my peers, are not always a source of subliminal clues for slumber. With a sporting attitude, a visiting bore presenter can be turned into a rich opportunity to make some extra money. There are several games that you can play, but I won’t betray all my secrets here. I will however let you know one of my favourite.
You will require at least two accomplices and a bit of cash to wager. The aim of the game is to get the Piriton presenter to say a word completely unrelated to the subject matter. The first person to get the sandman presenter to say the word pockets the cash. So in a presentation about Internet security the word could be something like fairy. Or smurf. Or if the presentation is about finance, a good word is rump. The easiest technique is to ask questions guiding the poor fool towards doom. I remember hearing once of an instance where the daring word chosen was buttock. Regrettably I was not present to participate but the third hand accounts of the event that trickled out indicate extremely bewildered presenters wondering at the enthusiasm, though somewhat misguided, of the participants.
Also last week one of those consultant types, nattily dressed in a pin striped suit and Frank Sinatra’s shoes confidently opened his pitch with how he was going to turn around our operations by 360 degrees. I did my best to resist the temptation but alas I failed. It was as our consultant, as per my request, drew a circle on the white board and marked out in 15 degree increments the points of the circle, that I began to suspect he would not consider me among his inner circle of friends.
PIC OF THE DAY
Jameni! What did that robot do to Lois Lane?
© M for tHiNkEr'S rOoM, 2009. | Permalink | 4 comments | Add to del.icio.us
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Air Travel
» tHiNkEr'S rOoM Few things are simultaneously exciting and terrifying like flying. I love everything about flying except the takeoff, and specifically the bit when the plane levels out. There was a flight I once took when I was sure that the damn thing had stopped mid-air and was deciding whether or not to crash. I love the rest. flying over the clouds, taking photos of clouds and formations and leaving the air flight hostesses in no doubt that the only time that powdered gunk they call milk will be introduced into my cup I will at the time be flying not as a passenger but as cargo. There’s no way I’m paying outrageous fare to drink powdered plaster of Paris. I know there is real milk in the galley and by George I’m going to get some.
In light of the unfortunate Air France crash, I recall a few years back I was flying from Gaborone to Jo’burg, and the passengers, (both of us) were asked to strap in by smiling stewardesses. We obliged. They then began the traditional volley of instructions on safe flying and halfway through, unable to contain myself I put my hand up.
The one giving me the instructions looked taken aback at the occurrence. Clearly she had yet to be questioned.
“Now then, Kelly,” I began comfortably. “We will be flying at 30,000 feet, which is 9-10 kilometers up, and this Boeing 737 weighs about 50,000 kilos. True?”
Kelly gave her best South African Airways smile. “True”.
“Should something happen, gravity will insist that those 30,000 feet above sea level be reduced to more manageable levels. So, let’s say we have engine failure. Without the engine a 737 has the grace of an obese hippopotamus in molasses soaked weetabix. This bad boy will descend with the momentum of the gods. We will hit the ground so hard a small hill will be created in China. True?”
Kelly smiled her most professional smile.
“But we might hit the water,” my fellow passenger said thoughtfully.
“Clearly you have never belly flopped at the local swimming pool. At the speed we’ll be going by the time the plane hits the water, we might as well hit concrete. Less damp. But I digress. My point is, fortune does not favour the poor fools in a 50 tonne aircraft that had a direct hit to soil or water having descended as quickly as possible from 9 kilometers up.”
There was a brief silence and my wisdom was digested.
“Seriously, Kelly, is there any point in all these precautions? Will me putting my head between my knees, acrobat that I may be, make a difference if the plane hits the Republic Of Botswana at several hundred miles an hour?”
Kelly did not have an answer for me. But she gave me an extra dinner and several bags of peanuts and fascinating stories of the colourful life of cabin crew.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, was pleasantly surprised to hear from characters who generally used His Name in vain.
© M for tHiNkEr'S rOoM, 2009. | Permalink | 18 comments | Add to del.icio.us
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Facebook Tests!
» tHiNkEr'S rOoM -
Show Her Your Longer Organ
» tHiNkEr'S rOoM 
What were you thinking??
© M for tHiNkEr'S rOoM, 2009. | Permalink | 10 comments | Add to del.icio.us
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Bon Appetit
» tHiNkEr'S rOoM 
Aah! Nothing quite like a swig of Pee and a mouthful of Shitto after a hard day’s work.
© M for tHiNkEr'S rOoM, 2009. | Permalink | 11 comments | Add to del.icio.us
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I’m Just Asking …
» tHiNkEr'S rOoM Aside from providing opportunities for MPs, assorted heads of state, as well as journalists with extra travel budgets and bloggers with miscellaneous grants to dispose of, just what, precisely, did the London Summit achieve?
Bonus points if the answer doesn’t include any of the following:
- Beginning the process
- Exchange ideas
- Concerted effort
- Commitment
- Engagement
- Grand plan
I’m just asking.
© M for tHiNkEr'S rOoM, 2009. | Permalink | 7 comments | Add to del.icio.us
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Here Comes The Bride
» tHiNkEr'S rOoM A family friend is getting married this Friday. As they make the final preparations I fondly remember being in that position a week before our big day juggling logistics, family, ulcers, priests, venues and suits.
I cannot tell a lie … there were times the AG’s chambers seemed appealing. And as D-Day drew closer even that seemed too much of a hassle and the local Chief’s mabati hut looked appealing. But soldier on we did.
I especially commend my wonderful better half because in addition to the wedding hassles, she had to deal with me, who is largely handicapped by being me.
When it comes to weddings, the human male is terribly handicapped by being a human male. Being a human male makes it difficult to contribute constructively to many aspects of the wedding.
Sample this tidbit shortly after the master plan for world domination had been tabled and approved by the coalition partner
Missus: Sweetie, what should our colour scheme be?
Mister: Err … colour scheme? (Racking brain for what a colour scheme is, then giving up) Black?Or this exchange in a wedding gown shop festooned with tresses and trails
Missus: Sweetie, what do you think of this wedding gown?
Mister: (Trying and failing to come up with criteria for a nice gown other than tightness around certain bits) Er … hmm. Good question. Good question. It’s er … is OK.Or this one in the suit shop as the groom was reacquainted with a coat, the last one he wore boasting a school crest on the front pocket
Missus: Sweetie, which shade do you prefer? Azure or Aquamarie? * Actual colours stated may have been different
Mister: (Knowing neither colour, desperately pointing at the nearest one) This one. Yes, definitely this one.Good times, good times.
At the end of it all it worked out perfectly. The bride showed up at the church. The groom showed up at the correct church. No one rose when the priest asked if there was anyone with objections. The rings had not been forgotten in a pocket of a suit that had been taken to the laundry.
Execution was flawless, despite my main contribution being approving the menu and denting my boss’ car. She did the rest. You, my dear, are amazing.
And every morning since when I wake up and look at wife and home, ever so slightly a different aspect of just how fortunate I am occurs to me.
And I say to myself yessir, you’s a lucky fellow.
Love, M
PIC OF THE DAY
© M for tHiNkEr'S rOoM, 2009. | Permalink | 7 comments | Add to del.icio.us
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Honourable Members
» tHiNkEr'S rOoM Much ado has been made about the Kenyan MP, that curious creature, like the cockroach, that seems to resist all attempts to wipe it out (except the boot of a well fed human being of considerable girth).
What one needs to understand about the Kenyan MP is as follows:
- The Kenyan MP is generally of questionable utility, and of indeterminate paternal origin
- The Kenyan MP fondly believes that an IQ of room temperature is remarkable
- The Kenyan MP has an IQ of just below room temperature
- The Kenyan MP fondly believes that everyone else is less intelligent
- See #2
Once you have these basic principles in mind, it is pretty easy to understand these freaks of nature.
The Waki ReportThe instant I heard that a commission was being formed to look into the unrest and name suspects, I bitterly remarked that Kenya would yet again provide another contribution to one and two ply tissue that battle valiantly to clean the human backside. Few supplies of paper are as steady as Kenyan commission reports.
There is no way that report is going to be implemented. Either it will be summarily rejected or a tribunal with the bite of a very large dog (a hot dog) will carry out the recommendations and find nothing. But that is neither here nor there. What I found hilarious was that about 8 months ago ODM were on TV refusing to go to court over the election results. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to debate the wisdom of that. What they said was that there was “no way they would get justice in a Kenyan court”.
Just the other day the same fellows were waxing lyrical about Kenya’s “sovereignty and ability of the judiciary to handle matters”.
Now you and I might find this to be a contradiction, but keep in mind this is the Kenyan MP. See #1 - #3
TaxationIn terms of appearing to care for the welfare of the Kenyan, few can match the performance of the Kenyan MP. Even when out of office, the Kenyan MP can display a touching concern and affection for the average Kenyan, especially if the average Kenyan is female, has the right dimensions and has access to funds of say, a Nigerian. (How’s it going Raphael?)
Kenyan MPs have no problem playing the David to the working man’s Uriah. In fact if you work in the city and think your MP will reappear at the constituency only at election time you’d better establish and maintain contact with your neighbours so you can be notified when David comes hunting your Bathsheba.
Sadly, this is the only interest your MP may show in you. He however expects you to pay for his fuel, for the roads he travels on, for the sugar cane he eats on the way, for the v1agr@ he pops en route and for the roof over his head. I was very amused when Amos Kimunya tried to tax these garden gnomes. Perhaps his current woes may be traced to this very act.
But let me not belabour the point. It is futile to expect these Orcs to return to the forge from which Saruman created them. The older I grow the more I realize that Guy Fawkes was onto something.
AOBObama had better not get too complacent about his victory. From past experience, once Juja results arrive everything might change!
Pic Of The Day
What the fuzz is this guy doing to Spiderman?
© M for tHiNkEr'S rOoM, 2008. | Permalink | 22 comments | Add to del.icio.us
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Racism?
» tHiNkEr'S rOoM I watched some of the B.E.T awards this past weekend, and especially enjoyed Al Greene’s performance. The awards were replete with references to Obama. Which is well and good. However I am not convinced all those folks in shiny suits (here’s looking at you Diddy!) could utter a single one of Obama’s campaign platforms. In fact from the general tone of the comments I am convinced that most of the speakers (if indeed they are going to vote) are going to vote for Obama because he is Black. How is that not racist? How different is this from insisting that some folks out to sit at the front of the bus because they are white?
My admiration for the man notwithstanding, I strongly believe, as I do in the our local setting, if you vote for a candidate for anything other than the issues, or for that matter don’t vote for a candidate for a reason other than the issues, and to be specific tribe/race then you are an ass.
In fact, voting for Obama because of his race makes a mockery of everything the man and democracy stands for. And on the same coin not voting for him because he is black speaks volumes of the state of democracy, maturity and fair play in 2008!
I’ll bet If parallel sentiments were expressed at a McCain rally protests would be flooding faster than you could say Jim Crow.
Quote Of The Day
Wednesday? That’s too early in the week
Priceless
© M for tHiNkEr'S rOoM, 2008. | Permalink | 40 comments | Add to del.icio.us
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OlyMpics!
» tHiNkEr'S rOoM AbsurdityKenya as usual sent a delegation that was top heavy, rich in officials, officers and attaches and wanting in athletes. And even those officials, officers and attaches were only going to exercise their right arms raising forks and tankards to their lips. I am informed our new Sports Minister took along the fruit of her loins at the expense of stadia officials. I no longer pretend to be surprised. Where can I as a citizen get a list of who went to Beijing with their bill footed by me, the taxpayer?
GymnasticsA female Chines gymnast rejoices under the name He Kexin. For a she, being called He no doubt can lead to a somewhat delicate social faux pas. He (she) has spent a lifetime enduring the little embarrassments that are inevitable when a she is called He.
Here He is
SwimmingFew things can cause more consternation than swimming in a pool against Michael Phelps. From the looks of things he has a small outboard motor that he makes religious use of.
Tearing it up
While fellow swimmers subsist on diets of lentils, cold water and the memory of chicken, Michael Phelps was gorging himself on pizzas and burgers. Michael Phelps has the distinction of taking home more gold medals than
- The entire US track & field team
- Africa
- Countries 9-85 in the medals table
Usain Bolt is clearly the man of the moment. 3 gold medals, Olympic records and 3 world records later, he shows no signs of slowing down. The fellow ran so fast the camera covered him to the finish line and then back to get the fellows straining for 2nd position.
Bolt Of Lightning
Once upon a time I ran the 100m (humble school sports days, not Olympics!) and I can assure you few things are as agonizing as running as fast as you possibly can and watching some fellow pulling away from you! It’s just a matter of time before sour grapes (see below) label the poor chap Saddam Usain
To the doofus who had a Michael Phelps moment and dived for the line in the 400m: chap, in London 2012 there will be rules against low flying aircraft.
Finally to ground!
If a virus descended upon the Olympic village this night, 8 people would emerge unscathed. These would be the US men & women’s relay teams, who have amply demonstrated they can’t catch anything.
Whoops!
Long DistanceKenenisa Bekele is a man I respect. The guy appears to have extra lungs somewhere on his person. Few things can be as depressing as being a participant in a race with this chap.
Living legend
For instance, some hapless fellow was lapped by Bekele in the 10,000m. As Bekele comfortably glided past, the fellow had a flash of hope until he realized that to win the race he had to overtake Bekele twice.
Paula Radcliffe is a heart wrenching figure indeed. Every time she’s on TV she is either in her trademark agonized hunched run, looking like she is in acute distress (or constipation), or she is in an inconsolably tearful state. Or both. Can she get some honorary award of some sort?
BoxingOur representatives in the boxing events returned with little fanfare last week after being summarily eliminated.
There’s no shame in losing. After all you lost against some of the best in the world. What is not in order is attributing your loss to the electronic scoring system. My friends, that one is not convincing.
FootballI had the pleasure of watching the women’s final match between USA and Brazil. My friends that was some of the best football I have ever seen.
CyclingWith its proliferation of cyclists, I was surprised that Kenya did not send an cyclists to Beijing until I remembered that we are under an administration that would win a clean sweep of medals for gross incompetence, blatant corruption and 1 x 40 gorging of public coffers
Tae Kwon doCuban Liu Kang Angel Valodia Matos changed the Olympic sport forever when he kicked the taste out of a referee’s mouth
Finish Him!
Sour GrapesIf you go to any American news site covering the Olympics you will be pleasantly surprised to find that according to the medal standings America is first. The criteria they use is number of medals. Using this warped logic, if you have 2 bronze medals you are placed above a country with a single gold. You’d think finding some sense would be simpler than finding weapons of mass destruction. In Africa we should divide number of medals by nuclear reactors to get who is first.
AOB
Guess which movie some relay teams would rather not watch?
Ok, that’s my last shot. I promise. FYI I have once in my distant past dropped a baton too
SHORT BRIEFS #1
AOB
Only In KenyaWorld domination: T-53
Technorati tags: OlympicsPics from a variety of sources, including Reuters, The Times
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Endless Love
» tHiNkEr'S rOoM -
Numb3rs
» tHiNkEr'S rOoM Browsing through my contacts the other day I came across the names of my good friend Bill (Name hidden to protect the guilty). The saga of Bill is one that even today fills me with great amusement.
Bill is the kind of chap who unlike the rest of was possessed of the gift of the gab. If there was one thing Bill could do it was talk, and talk well. A career in sales was just what the doctor ordered for our Bill. Bill could and did sell motorcycle tyres to people on foot. Bill sold pork chops and sausages to devout Jews. He sold sides of beef to vegetarians. I have little doubt that Bill could convince Lucy Kibaki to purchase the East African Standard.
Which brings me to the meat and potatoes. Bill replicated his successful sales funnel in the field in his affairs with the daughters of Eve. His large phone was ever beeping, tweeting and chirping with text messages and phone calls.
As with all generous men, Bill took great issue with the imbalance of eligible men vis a vis eligible women, and took it upon himself to make up for the difference. Selflessly sacrificing his time, he could (and did) entertain and sample the charms of up to three women at a time. I once watched in stunned amazement the master at work on two date simultaneously in the same eating establishment where with the dexterous use of rolled up sleeves convinced both his dates that his occasional absences from the table were to attend to a patient that was unwell in a back room. Bill never shied away from discreetly introducing a MD to his title.
”Like a wolf in a fold” are words that will always have special meaning to me after seeing Bill hard at work on Sundays. Bill’s unassailable logic, with which I heartily agreed, was that wifely material was simply not available at the Simba Saloon at 3 in the morning. It was however, more likely to be found at Corpus Christi at 12 AM in the morning, and so after a hard night at the Simba Saloon dance floor Bill rushed home, showered, shaved, grabbed his dog-eared bible (dog-earing was done by Bill’s devoutly Catholic mother) and within an hour was singing “Ave Maria” with the same gusto as he sung “’pon de river, pon de bank” not 12 hours earlier.
After the service Bill freely mingled with his fellow parishioners, especially his sisters in Christ. Phone numbers flowed from dimpled maidens to Bill’s phone with the ease of Government officials disposing of hotels. Making full use of his office as an organizing fellow of The Christian, the Church’s newsletter.
And so it was thus Bill met and turned his attentions to one Christiana Wekesa (name hidden to protect the guilty). She put up a spirited fight but she was like the Grand Regency to his Libyan consortium. I congratulated Bill on his excellent taste and good fortune in finding a good woman. He agreed.
One day Christine saw it fit to send Bill a text message inquiring as to his mode of dress for a meeting he was attending. Like 9.8 out of 10 men Bill took the opportunity to inquire with keen interest what she was wearing. Things naturally deteriorated from there. Several text messages later (Safaricom remarkably was able to handle the load) Bill composed a lengthy message illustrating in great detail how much as he appreciated her navy blue skirt skirt, white blouse and stockings, on the whole he would much rather she not have them altogether.
He then proceeded to paint a rich tapestry of what exactly he planned to do had he not been separated by duty and geography from her. A fine sheen of sweat peppered his brow and upper lip as he put his back into a lengthy text message that had the screen of the Nokia fogging over.
Suddenly he noticed that the meeting he was attending required his input so he quickly scrolled to Christina’s name in the phone book and hit send. He then tabled his market penetration graphs and miscellaneous visual aids and got on with it.
His phone vibrated in his pocket as a text message arrived. And then another. And then another.
He smiled modestly to himself and wondered if Casanova might have gotten further under his tutelage.
After a lengthy presentation he sat down and fished out his phone to find 18 unread messages and 10 missed calls.
"Poor old gal,” he said smugly. “Can’t handle old Bill, can ye?”
As he read the messages his smile began to falter.
The first message was from his Bishop who went out of his way to elaborate politely but firmly that the only place he would allow himself to be kissed was on his rings as symbols of his office.
The next message was from Sister Mary Margaret and consisted solely of question marks.
Father Mulinge from the parish urged him with great speed to see him as soon as possible for counseling.
Retired Colonel Wilberforce J. Majani (Rtd) wanted to know what the devil he was playing at.
Bill felt a cold hand clasp his heart.
With trembling fingers he navigated to his outbox and a ghastly smile appeared on his face.
The correspondence had not been sent to Christina after all, but to ‘Christians’, which happened to be the distribution list of 70 involved in the Church newsletter, which included the Bishop of the Diocese and several priests, nuns and respected members of society. They had received the text message (composed of 6 text messages) and read it with initial curiosity followed by confusion followed by disbelief and finally shock at some of the initiatives Bill was proposing that he undertake without further delay.
Bill now is based in Rwanda, where I believe he has converted to Islam.
The saga he told me over drinks one stormy night some months back. I sympathized with him.
“Well, now people have read about another ass in addition to Balaam’s” I could not resist pointing out. “Always best to make a clean breast of things, not take it lying down. Once everything is laid bare, things tend to work out.”
I can’t really say that he was all that amused.
AOBWorld Domination proceeding steadily. Us against the world, you and me against the world
PIC OF THE DAY T-3
Tell us something we don’t know!
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William Chapelle / Dave Kabogo
» tHiNkEr'S rOoM Much has been said about the powerful resemblance between ex Juja MP William Kabogo and comedian Dave Chapelle. I have regarded that comparison as about as accurate as Mwai Kibaki looking like Taye Diggs.
But now … I table the following composite. Who is who?
*Taye Diggs from an AP Photo
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When I See You
» tHiNkEr'S rOoM -
Dracula’s Wedding
» tHiNkEr'S rOoM Ah, Outkast! Genius!!
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Mensa
» tHiNkEr'S rOoM -
Made In China
» tHiNkEr'S rOoM -
Ballerina Girl
» tHiNkEr'S rOoM © M for tHiNkEr'S rOoM, 2008. | Permalink | No comment | Add to
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Fair And Handsome
» tHiNkEr'S rOoM Prousette found something interesting in this weekend’s paper
Few are unfamiliar with the Fair and Lovely brand. Fewer still would be unfamiliar with their ad.
This features an unfortunate maiden, handicapped not by education, brains, wit, binocular vision or bipedal motion, but by the curse of skin that is a rich ebony. This chocolatey skin serves her during job interviews the same way a dangling rat’s tail from the side of her mouth would. She is dismissed with nary a cursory glance by the interviewers upon ascertaining she is not the complexion of the average foolscap.
On the dating scene matters are just as grim. Tall dark and handsome strangers pass her in the street as if she was simultaneously suffering from leprosy and gangrene.
Until of course an ever helpful friend gushingly tells her of a new product … Fair and Lovely.
Within weeks (says the ad, accompanied by time delay photos) our maiden’s face and hands become lighter and lighter. I assume the rest of her becomes lighter as well. We can’t have the mask and glove effect, can we?
It is only with her light skin that she is able to wow interviewers with her charm, intelligence and natural wit. A leering doofus in the next cubicle leers some more. On her way out suitors at attention line up.
Ah, what magic a little cream can do!
It would seem that men are laboring under similar yokes. They fail to get jobs, attention, dates because of their unnaturally rich chocolatey skin. This is a theorem I welcome with open arms as I find it fully consistent with my self esteem issues.
Good news my fellow brethren! Fair and Handsome is here.
Apparently men’s skin needs to be fair because it is
- 3 times more exposed to the sun
- 5 times more exposed to pollution
- 2 times more exposed to stress factories
Let me start you off with the opening lines
Emami, in collaboration with Activor Corp, USA, herbalists and dermatologists from India has created a unique fairness cream for Men with a breakthrough Five Power Fairness System to make skin fair and handsome in 4 weeks. It also helps in relieving stress and fatigue signs - gives men’s tough skin a firmer look. Emami Fair And Handsome World’s No.1 fairness cream protects men’s face from sun’s UV Rays.
Right on!
For more fun get there and enjoy.
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Now Then Steve
» tHiNkEr'S rOoM 
Vice President Kalonzo Musyoka thoughtfully and happily checks out Secretary Of State Condoleezza Rice’s “Official Position”
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