Mashada Blogs » tHiNkEr'S rOoM

tHiNkEr'S rOoM: Liverpool

Wed, 18 Nov 2009 07:52:31 -0500

Sorry lads, I could not resist.

Liverpool’s disastrous run can perhaps be understood following the unveiling of their new kit…

tHiNkEr'S rOoM: Kibaki Strikes Bolt

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 06:17:47 -0500

tHiNkEr'S rOoM: Driving In Nairobi

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 17:06:54 -0400

Human beings in all their wisdom, eccentricities and brilliance are at the end of the day very strange beings that behave very strangely, both while alone as well as in the society of their fellows.

In the middle ages we had the age of chivalry – knights, armour and jousting. Not too long ago we had the age of duels – guns, swords and fighting. Today we have driving.

At first glance driving seems like a pretty straightforward exercise. Get in car, move car from A to B and get out of car. Foolishly lulled into a false sense of security, you enroll in driving school and are introduced to a concept known as the Highway Code. This is a set of guidelines, complete with signs that guide your activities on the road. You apply yourself to these with zest.

Driving the actual car is never much of a problem. Of course there is the initial bit of bother a few minutes into your first experience when you break so hard the instructor checks the consistency of the windscreen with his forehead, expressing his conviction that your parentage on the paternal side is unsure.

There is also the tricky business of the clutch, where 11 times out of 10; you stall the car without even trying. It eventually becomes a pleasant surprise to move the car more than a few metres without stalling it.

The examination is a mere formality, due to the fact that driving a car is a trivial exercise. But just to make sure, there is usually a memorandum of understanding between the examining authority and the driving school that results in impressive pass rates.

The real world, having waited politely outside, cap in hand, now comes barreling in with the subtlety of those bulls that run through streets in pain.

You learn very quickly that there is a time period smaller still than the micro second. This is defined as the Nairobit©, and it is the time interval between the light turning orange and the outraged driver behind you hooting. This is a very small time interval indeed.

You will also find that the Highway Code you were instructed with went out of production and out of application some 40 years ago. No one follows those rules. No one recalls those rules. There are signs and symbols on the road that have no corresponding entries in the Highway Code. On raising this topic last week I was asked earnestly if the Highway Code was some species of frog.

You will find that the driving schools have failed to keep up with innovations in road construction technology. How else can you explain a road like Moi Avenue that generally has three lanes and then suddenly only has two. Not a warning. Just before the Muindi Mbingu junction the three lanes suddenly become two. Words cannot express the range of emotions that go through one when a lane suddenly disappears and the three of you drivers have a Nairobit© (see above) to figure out how to allocate the remaining two.

You will find that traffic lights, God bless ‘em, are largely vestigial instruments. The traffic light on the Kenyan road is the equivalent of the tail bone on the human body. Drivers treat them largely as well meaning but buffoonish suggestions rather than the law. Although in their defence drivers are so used to seeing traffic police at junctions, consistently contradicting them, that if the police were removed drivers fail to see the lights at all. Anyone that does not understand Pavlov’s dog would do well to spend a few days with a driver here.

Another source of angst is fellow road users. The general rule of law is that you and you alone are a sane, talented and handsome driver, while everyone else is the spawn of Beelzebub, incapable of a single wise decision while at the wheel.

The horn, you will find, is an essential tool for a driver. There is an initial panic as you realize you have no clue how to make use of this instrument. But eventually you learn the ropes. A horn can perform the following functions

· Notify other drivers and road users to beware

· Hail your friend Jeff and ask after his weekend

· Congratulate Jimmy on the new baby

· Alert those fools up front you have no intention of using your brakes

· Tell Carol that new hairdo looks like a dead cat on her head

The horn can perform all those, and many other communication functions. It is in fact possible on a particularly slow traffic day to conduct entire conversations using that device. Wireless communications indeed.

Then there is the roundabout. Its chief purpose appears to be for one driver to waste the time and grey the hairs of three others, all the while testing the functionality of the horn.

Then there is of, course, other drivers. But that we can discuss another day

Nomenclature

tHiNkEr'S rOoM: Life In Kenya

Tue, 29 Sep 2009 15:31:41 -0400

Life in Kenya is best described as … interesting. No word quite captures the nuances of life in this wonderful country. The next best attempt was made MD of one of the leading mobile telephony provider, who famously described his clientele as ‘peculiar’ some data presented to him by his sales and marketing departments on our calling habits.

Global recessions, famine, and fallout from a chaotic and ugly electoral process aside, upon contemplating my existence in this land I love, I find that unlike many of our 53 odd neighbours, we have much to smile about.

Among the plethora of institutions funded wholly by the taxpayer is the Kenya Anti Corruption Commission, the KACC. You’d be surprised to know that the KACC is not known for slaying the hydra of corruption. The KACC, surprisingly, is better known by the fact that the Director pockets a handsome salary of 2.5 million Kenyan shillings. To aid in perspective, the president mentioned above has a salary of 2.2 million shillings, and the minimum wage is just over 7,000 shillings.

I personally would not mind contributing to this gentleman’s salary was it not for the fact that besides several flights, and the occasional flu, it is difficult to point at anything else that gentleman has caught. Pundits have loudly wondered if there would be any difference if the organization existed at all. Apprehension of the odd chicken thief and the junior policeman pocketing the odd hundred shilling note is, on the whole, not commensurate with the infrastructure and wage bill that institution has at its disposal.

Our members of parliament are some of the most highly paid in the world, all 220 or so of them. Again, I would not mind paying their handsome salaries were it not for the fact that a good number of these fine characters barely have opposable thumbs and binocular vision. Fisticuffs among our honourable members are a common occurrence.

Today I’m taking in with suspended belief the news that our President has exercised the authority of his office and with immediate effect the Police Commissioner will relinquish his duties in the police force and report for his new duties as the Postmaster General of the Postal Corporation of Kenya. I suspect that ex-army and now ex-policeman will find that the bullets in letters are dealt with somewhat differently.

I’m reminded of the day of the national budget, when our worthy finance minister attempted to contain his cabinet colleagues by issuing a decree that all official vehicles have a capacity not greater than 1800 cc. This news was received with stunned amazement by the honourable members who loudly inquired how they were supposed to drive on the terrible roads with small cars. One minister loudly complained that the thought of driving the same vehicle as a teenager was inconsistent with his dignity as a cabinet minister and a human being as a whole.

Going back to our head of state, it is unanimously agreed that worthy leader adopts a famously laissez faire attitude towards the execution of his duties. In fact there are two schools of thought, one that fronts his belief in infrastructure and delegation of duties and the other of the opinion the Commander In Chief of our armed forces has an acute disinclination to work.

What impresses both camps is that when it comes to enumerating the members of the first family, His Excellency’s enthusiasm and verve is second to none. To put this into context, there has long been speculation of an unofficial second occupant of the office of the first lady. This speculation has not been kindly received by the official occupant of said office. The sight of the powerful man able to declare war on friends and foe reading the names of his spouse (one) and offspring is not one that comes often.

Much has been said about the unfortunate events of the 2007 elections. The democratic process has much to be proud of when a constituency has an impressive voter turnout of 120%. The chairman of Electoral Commission of Kenya, while reading such logistic discrepancies, had a cherubic mien as he read out remarkable statistics like in a region with 100,000 registered voters, 120,000 votes were cast.

The results of that process led to an unwilling coalition of bedfellows, with an incumbent president retaining office, a third place finisher who finished so far behind as to be first in the 2012 elections taking office as Vice President and the second placed finisher being sworn in as Prime Minister. With close to 40 ministers, taking minutes at Cabinet meetings is not work for the faint at heart. With close to 40 ministers, those who don’t quite understand the logistic difficulties faced in the construction of the Tower Of Babel are invited to observe the operations of the Kenyan cabinet.

Yes, there is plenty to smile about.

tHiNkEr'S rOoM: Sweets

Wed, 09 Sep 2009 04:16:30 -0400

That green character there has a dubiously lurid expression and engaged in what appears to be equally dubious activities!

tHiNkEr'S rOoM: Dear Leadership Of Kenya

Wed, 05 Aug 2009 06:12:00 -0400

A brief recap of the things we cannot get reliably follows:

Water
Electricity
Security
Food
Forest cover
Roads

A brief recap of what you provide reliably follows:

Bullshit
Noise
Tribalism
Theft of our money
Theft of our resources
Entertainment

I assure you dear leaders, we prefer the former.

What’s more, I deeply resent the fact that 46% of everything I earn goes into your pockets to pay for your expenses, Mistresses in Lavington, travel junkets and H2O to water your ducks, swans and geese while I wallow in hardship, hungry, thirsty and in the dark

I refuse to address you and your ilk as honourable, for you are no such thing.

I am mystified that in 2009, 45 years after independence we are still suffering indignities of power and water rationing. How is it that at tropical country straddling the equator with good weather is suffering indignities that Israel, a country that only has sand is not? Nonsense I say.

I had much faith in the ‘new, young’ leadership that were elected in the last election. These fellows have proven to be as cloth headed as their predecessors if not more. The young MPs in this parliament seem to be particularly challenged in the intelligence department. Sad really.

I read in today’s paper that some of you object to being lectured on good governance.

I would recommend you tell your objections to the birds because I for one cannot take one more second of your empty, meaningless speeches. I would think a better way to keep from being lectured on good governance is to govern well but this solution does not seem to have caught your attention.

Thanks to you we have killed each other and burned our property. Thanks to you we are now reduced to tribes and regions. Thanks to you we are retrogressing in every possible way. Thanks to you we are achieving the dubious distinction of being 14th in the list of failed states.

Before you get puffed up, let me leave you under no illusions. If you cannot provide

Food
Water
Security
Freedom of movement
Leadership

Then you are governing a gaddem failed state!

It amuses me to no end that last week you announced arrival of high speed Internet and today you announce power rationing. Sometimes I feel like an unknowing participant in Saturday Night Live.

it is no coincidence that I refused to move for your passing convoy the other day. The next time we meet I won’t either. Why should I? Remember that I’m your boss, and not the other way.

Now that you have ruined this country, killed its people and agreed to absolve yourselves of the blame and don’t seem all that bothered about it, I take comfort in the fact that what goes around invariably comes around. You’ll get yours.

Yours,

A disappointed and disgusted Kenyan.

PIC OF THE DAY

Eh! What are Batman & Robin doing?

tHiNkEr'S rOoM: Marketing Type

Mon, 27 Jul 2009 10:09:32 -0400

The level of canned phrases doing the rounds in newspapers, radio, TV and magazines is rapidly assuming dimensions of a natural disaster. It is very difficult nowadays to ingest news in any of the various alternatives (let us limit to reading, watching and listening) without being left with a feeling of slight bewilderment, leaving you looking like Musikari Kombo after Moses Wetangula passes by with a manilla folder with the Ford Kenya Logo.

We can lay the cause of this state of affairs straight at the feet of marketing types and the press, who ply us day in day out with the same cliches.

It was the dawning of a new day, heralding one small step for man and one giant step for mankind. Cognizant of the looming economic crisis, an individual we shall call Bill who wishes to remain anonymous on the grounds that he is not authorized to comment, rose from his bed like a phoenix from the ashes.

Levering the cutting edge technology of opposable thumbs and knees, Bill climbed down from his bed, engaging first gear in the first phase of the operation to secure breakfast. Partners and stakeholders in the enterprise, fully invested, included his dog Woofy and his cat Tom, who were the latest initiatives in the cutting edge of modern pet-titude, watched him rise through the banisters.

Rather than eat out, Bill elected to quickly have a have a local tribunal, at the conclusion of which swine was drawn, quartered and fried over a greasy fire with Milk 2.0 and Next Generation Bread.

I’m just saying, personally I would rather

Bill woke up and headed upstairs to the kitchen, where he had bacon, milk & bread

But that’s just me.

Just last week some bright eyed, enthusiastic marketing types infested my presence visited me. Gushing with enthusiasm and verve they laid a tapestry of powerpoint slides with more bullets than a meeting of APs and regular policemen before my jaundiced eye.

Powerpoint presentations, as I regularly tell my peers, are not always a source of subliminal clues for slumber. With a sporting attitude, a visiting bore presenter can be turned into a rich opportunity to make some extra money. There are several games that you can play, but I won’t betray all my secrets here. I will however let you know one of my favourite.

You will require at least two accomplices and a bit of cash to wager. The aim of the game is to get the Piriton presenter to say a word completely unrelated to the subject matter. The first person to get the sandman presenter to say the word pockets the cash. So in a presentation about Internet security the word could be something like fairy. Or smurf. Or if the presentation is about finance, a good word is rump. The easiest technique is to ask questions guiding the poor fool towards doom. I remember hearing once of an instance where the daring word chosen was buttock. Regrettably I was not present to participate but the third hand accounts of the event that trickled out indicate extremely bewildered presenters wondering at the enthusiasm, though somewhat misguided, of the participants.

Also last week one of those consultant types, nattily dressed in a pin striped suit and Frank Sinatra’s shoes confidently opened his pitch with how he was going to turn around our operations by 360 degrees. I did my best to resist the temptation but alas I failed. It was as our consultant, as per my request, drew a circle on the white board and marked out in 15 degree increments the points of the circle, that I began to suspect he would not consider me among his inner circle of friends.

PIC OF THE DAY

Jameni! What did that robot do to Lois Lane?

tHiNkEr'S rOoM: Imitation Is The Sincerest Form Of Flattery

Mon, 20 Jul 2009 08:39:26 -0400

Running through my list of RSS subscriptions this fine morning I came across this gem that precipitated me on the forked path leading to laughter and tears:

Several computers containing the results of the referendum Zelaya wanted to conduct are seized at the Presidential Palace

That’s right. Results of the referendum the president wanted to conduct; i.e. said referendum had not been conducted yet and yet there were results. Does that remind you of an occasion when Government helpfully voted for its citizens in a past election with impressive turnouts of up to 120% of the voting republic?

Methinks government at times takes its dedication to helping the public to its illogical extreme. Voting for the public, by and large, is a no-no!

tHiNkEr'S rOoM: Safaricom & The Despised Postpaid Customer

Wed, 15 Jul 2009 06:01:30 -0400

I am a Safaricom customer, and to be precise, a Safaricom postpaid customer. I have two lines, my main phone line and a data line for surfing. Every month I pay about 9,000 bob between the two lines to Michael Joseph and his merry men. Why am I on Safaricom? A number of reasons, the top two being the company I work for is a Safaricom partner and it won’t do to call a Safaricom partner on a Zain/Yu/Orange line, and the other reason is that changing my number will give me more grief than I care to imagine.

The mechanics are simple. As a postpaid customer I have signed a contract (two actually, one per line) binding me and my soul to Michael Joseph for the next calendar year.

What I failed to realize is that there is an official motto within Safaricom that states the following:

Postpaid customers are irritants. They are the stuff you find between your toes after a hard day of ploughing and tilling the fields

Why? Because being a postpaid customer is an endless series of grief.

You get two or three threatening SMS messages a month to settle your bill, whether or not you have paid
You get your bills, generally two or three months late, with an absurd disclaimer “ignore this bill if you have already paid”
You need to write a letter to do pretty much anything. I left a customer care lady talking to herself when she informed me that I needed to write a letter to them to sign up for M-Pesa. Well, you can S-Mother your L-Etters and S-Hove them S-Omewhere the S-Un don’t S-hine
Absolutely raw deals in all the promotions that Safaricom offers

That last one is what I find HUGELY irritating. Why should postpaid customers be short changed? Isn’t our money legal tender? Look at the Jibambie promotion. The rate postpaid customers got was a shilling higher than that of pre-paid customers. Absolute bullshit. And in several capmaigns,postpaid customers are not eligible.

Here is the latest promotion I received in my email

Good morning,

Safaricom is pleased to announce the Niko na Safaricom “Get 50% extra airtime Top up Promotion” where subscribers will get 50% extra FREE airtime on all top-ups of Ksh 50 to Ksh 1000 e.g. Top-up Bamba 50 get 75/- airtime, Bamba 100 get 150…… 1000 get 1500/-

Promotion Mechanics:

ALL top-ups during the promotion period, from Ksh 50 to Ksh 1000 using scratch-cards, electronic vouchers (EAD), ATM qualify for the discount.

You must top-up with Ksh 50 or more in one-go to qualify e.g. 3 Bamba 20 top-ups will not qualify

Promotion runs from 0600hrs to 2359hrs on Wednesday 15th July 2009.

Note:

MPESA top-ups and Sambaza DO NOT qualify

Offer available on all PrePay tariffs i.e. Ongea, Safari, Super Taifa and Staff Tariffs only

The extra airtime will carry the same validity as the normal airtime

The credit can be used to make both off-net and on-net calls/SMS and browse the Internet.

Subscribers can top-up as many times during the promotion. Each top-up of Ksh 50 or more will receive the bonus airtime.

Kind regards

*******

Well the hell with you and the Horse you rode in on.

I am dying to know the good reason that I am sure exists why I am not eligible to participate in this offer. Clearly postpaid customers hawakao na Safaricom. Are we on Zain and yet don’t know about it?

I wrote back immediately demanding to know the basis behind this absurd discrimination. Knowing their ostrich strategy when dealing with customers, I’ll be surprised if I got a response.

Complacent indeed is the company that keeps giving its customers the middle finger.