Sorry lads, I could not resist.
Liverpool’s disastrous run can perhaps be understood following the unveiling of their new kit…
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Kibaki Strikes Bolt
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Driving In Nairobi
» tHiNkEr'S rOoM Human beings in all their wisdom, eccentricities and brilliance are at the end of the day very strange beings that behave very strangely, both while alone as well as in the society of their fellows.
In the middle ages we had the age of chivalry – knights, armour and jousting. Not too long ago we had the age of duels – guns, swords and fighting. Today we have driving.
At first glance driving seems like a pretty straightforward exercise. Get in car, move car from A to B and get out of car. Foolishly lulled into a false sense of security, you enroll in driving school and are introduced to a concept known as the Highway Code. This is a set of guidelines, complete with signs that guide your activities on the road. You apply yourself to these with zest.
Driving the actual car is never much of a problem. Of course there is the initial bit of bother a few minutes into your first experience when you break so hard the instructor checks the consistency of the windscreen with his forehead, expressing his conviction that your parentage on the paternal side is unsure.
There is also the tricky business of the clutch, where 11 times out of 10; you stall the car without even trying. It eventually becomes a pleasant surprise to move the car more than a few metres without stalling it.
The examination is a mere formality, due to the fact that driving a car is a trivial exercise. But just to make sure, there is usually a memorandum of understanding between the examining authority and the driving school that results in impressive pass rates.
The real world, having waited politely outside, cap in hand, now comes barreling in with the subtlety of those bulls that run through streets in pain.
You learn very quickly that there is a time period smaller still than the micro second. This is defined as the Nairobit©, and it is the time interval between the light turning orange and the outraged driver behind you hooting. This is a very small time interval indeed.
You will also find that the Highway Code you were instructed with went out of production and out of application some 40 years ago. No one follows those rules. No one recalls those rules. There are signs and symbols on the road that have no corresponding entries in the Highway Code. On raising this topic last week I was asked earnestly if the Highway Code was some species of frog.
You will find that the driving schools have failed to keep up with innovations in road construction technology. How else can you explain a road like Moi Avenue that generally has three lanes and then suddenly only has two. Not a warning. Just before the Muindi Mbingu junction the three lanes suddenly become two. Words cannot express the range of emotions that go through one when a lane suddenly disappears and the three of you drivers have a Nairobit© (see above) to figure out how to allocate the remaining two.
You will find that traffic lights, God bless ‘em, are largely vestigial instruments. The traffic light on the Kenyan road is the equivalent of the tail bone on the human body. Drivers treat them largely as well meaning but buffoonish suggestions rather than the law. Although in their defence drivers are so used to seeing traffic police at junctions, consistently contradicting them, that if the police were removed drivers fail to see the lights at all. Anyone that does not understand Pavlov’s dog would do well to spend a few days with a driver here.
Another source of angst is fellow road users. The general rule of law is that you and you alone are a sane, talented and handsome driver, while everyone else is the spawn of Beelzebub, incapable of a single wise decision while at the wheel.
The horn, you will find, is an essential tool for a driver. There is an initial panic as you realize you have no clue how to make use of this instrument. But eventually you learn the ropes. A horn can perform the following functions
· Notify other drivers and road users to beware
· Hail your friend Jeff and ask after his weekend
· Congratulate Jimmy on the new baby
· Alert those fools up front you have no intention of using your brakes
· Tell Carol that new hairdo looks like a dead cat on her head
The horn can perform all those, and many other communication functions. It is in fact possible on a particularly slow traffic day to conduct entire conversations using that device. Wireless communications indeed.
Then there is the roundabout. Its chief purpose appears to be for one driver to waste the time and grey the hairs of three others, all the while testing the functionality of the horn.
Then there is of, course, other drivers. But that we can discuss another day
Nomenclature
© M for tHiNkEr'S rOoM, 2009. | Permalink | 8 comments | Add to del.icio.us
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Life In Kenya
» tHiNkEr'S rOoM Life in Kenya is best described as … interesting. No word quite captures the nuances of life in this wonderful country. The next best attempt was made MD of one of the leading mobile telephony provider, who famously described his clientele as ‘peculiar’ some data presented to him by his sales and marketing departments on our calling habits.
Global recessions, famine, and fallout from a chaotic and ugly electoral process aside, upon contemplating my existence in this land I love, I find that unlike many of our 53 odd neighbours, we have much to smile about.
Among the plethora of institutions funded wholly by the taxpayer is the Kenya Anti Corruption Commission, the KACC. You’d be surprised to know that the KACC is not known for slaying the hydra of corruption. The KACC, surprisingly, is better known by the fact that the Director pockets a handsome salary of 2.5 million Kenyan shillings. To aid in perspective, the president mentioned above has a salary of 2.2 million shillings, and the minimum wage is just over 7,000 shillings.
I personally would not mind contributing to this gentleman’s salary was it not for the fact that besides several flights, and the occasional flu, it is difficult to point at anything else that gentleman has caught. Pundits have loudly wondered if there would be any difference if the organization existed at all. Apprehension of the odd chicken thief and the junior policeman pocketing the odd hundred shilling note is, on the whole, not commensurate with the infrastructure and wage bill that institution has at its disposal.
Our members of parliament are some of the most highly paid in the world, all 220 or so of them. Again, I would not mind paying their handsome salaries were it not for the fact that a good number of these fine characters barely have opposable thumbs and binocular vision. Fisticuffs among our honourable members are a common occurrence.
Today I’m taking in with suspended belief the news that our President has exercised the authority of his office and with immediate effect the Police Commissioner will relinquish his duties in the police force and report for his new duties as the Postmaster General of the Postal Corporation of Kenya. I suspect that ex-army and now ex-policeman will find that the bullets in letters are dealt with somewhat differently.
I’m reminded of the day of the national budget, when our worthy finance minister attempted to contain his cabinet colleagues by issuing a decree that all official vehicles have a capacity not greater than 1800 cc. This news was received with stunned amazement by the honourable members who loudly inquired how they were supposed to drive on the terrible roads with small cars. One minister loudly complained that the thought of driving the same vehicle as a teenager was inconsistent with his dignity as a cabinet minister and a human being as a whole.
Going back to our head of state, it is unanimously agreed that worthy leader adopts a famously laissez faire attitude towards the execution of his duties. In fact there are two schools of thought, one that fronts his belief in infrastructure and delegation of duties and the other of the opinion the Commander In Chief of our armed forces has an acute disinclination to work.
What impresses both camps is that when it comes to enumerating the members of the first family, His Excellency’s enthusiasm and verve is second to none. To put this into context, there has long been speculation of an unofficial second occupant of the office of the first lady. This speculation has not been kindly received by the official occupant of said office. The sight of the powerful man able to declare war on friends and foe reading the names of his spouse (one) and offspring is not one that comes often.
Much has been said about the unfortunate events of the 2007 elections. The democratic process has much to be proud of when a constituency has an impressive voter turnout of 120%. The chairman of Electoral Commission of Kenya, while reading such logistic discrepancies, had a cherubic mien as he read out remarkable statistics like in a region with 100,000 registered voters, 120,000 votes were cast.
The results of that process led to an unwilling coalition of bedfellows, with an incumbent president retaining office, a third place finisher who finished so far behind as to be first in the 2012 elections taking office as Vice President and the second placed finisher being sworn in as Prime Minister. With close to 40 ministers, taking minutes at Cabinet meetings is not work for the faint at heart. With close to 40 ministers, those who don’t quite understand the logistic difficulties faced in the construction of the Tower Of Babel are invited to observe the operations of the Kenyan cabinet.
Yes, there is plenty to smile about.
© M for tHiNkEr'S rOoM, 2009. | Permalink | 9 comments | Add to del.icio.us
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Sweets
» tHiNkEr'S rOoM 
That green character there has a dubiously lurid expression and engaged in what appears to be equally dubious activities!
© M for tHiNkEr'S rOoM, 2009. | Permalink | 8 comments | Add to del.icio.us
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Dear Leadership Of Kenya
» tHiNkEr'S rOoM A brief recap of the things we cannot get reliably follows:
- Water
- Electricity
- Security
- Food
- Forest cover
- Roads
A brief recap of what you provide reliably follows:
- Bullshit
- Noise
- Tribalism
- Theft of our money
- Theft of our resources
- Entertainment
I assure you dear leaders, we prefer the former.
What’s more, I deeply resent the fact that 46% of everything I earn goes into your pockets to pay for your expenses, Mistresses in Lavington, travel junkets and H2O to water your ducks, swans and geese while I wallow in hardship, hungry, thirsty and in the dark
I refuse to address you and your ilk as honourable, for you are no such thing.
I am mystified that in 2009, 45 years after independence we are still suffering indignities of power and water rationing. How is it that at tropical country straddling the equator with good weather is suffering indignities that Israel, a country that only has sand is not? Nonsense I say.
I had much faith in the ‘new, young’ leadership that were elected in the last election. These fellows have proven to be as cloth headed as their predecessors if not more. The young MPs in this parliament seem to be particularly challenged in the intelligence department. Sad really.
I read in today’s paper that some of you object to being lectured on good governance.
I would recommend you tell your objections to the birds because I for one cannot take one more second of your empty, meaningless speeches. I would think a better way to keep from being lectured on good governance is to govern well but this solution does not seem to have caught your attention.
Thanks to you we have killed each other and burned our property. Thanks to you we are now reduced to tribes and regions. Thanks to you we are retrogressing in every possible way. Thanks to you we are achieving the dubious distinction of being 14th in the list of failed states.
Before you get puffed up, let me leave you under no illusions. If you cannot provide
- Food
- Water
- Security
- Freedom of movement
- Leadership
Then you are governing a gaddem failed state!
It amuses me to no end that last week you announced arrival of high speed Internet and today you announce power rationing. Sometimes I feel like an unknowing participant in Saturday Night Live.
it is no coincidence that I refused to move for your passing convoy the other day. The next time we meet I won’t either. Why should I? Remember that I’m your boss, and not the other way.
Now that you have ruined this country, killed its people and agreed to absolve yourselves of the blame and don’t seem all that bothered about it, I take comfort in the fact that what goes around invariably comes around. You’ll get yours.
Yours,
A disappointed and disgusted Kenyan.
PIC OF THE DAY
Eh! What are Batman & Robin doing?
© M for tHiNkEr'S rOoM, 2009. | Permalink | 20 comments | Add to del.icio.us
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Marketing Type
» tHiNkEr'S rOoM The level of canned phrases doing the rounds in newspapers, radio, TV and magazines is rapidly assuming dimensions of a natural disaster. It is very difficult nowadays to ingest news in any of the various alternatives (let us limit to reading, watching and listening) without being left with a feeling of slight bewilderment, leaving you looking like Musikari Kombo after Moses Wetangula passes by with a manilla folder with the Ford Kenya Logo.
We can lay the cause of this state of affairs straight at the feet of marketing types and the press, who ply us day in day out with the same cliches.
It was the dawning of a new day, heralding one small step for man and one giant step for mankind. Cognizant of the looming economic crisis, an individual we shall call Bill who wishes to remain anonymous on the grounds that he is not authorized to comment, rose from his bed like a phoenix from the ashes.
Levering the cutting edge technology of opposable thumbs and knees, Bill climbed down from his bed, engaging first gear in the first phase of the operation to secure breakfast. Partners and stakeholders in the enterprise, fully invested, included his dog Woofy and his cat Tom, who were the latest initiatives in the cutting edge of modern pet-titude, watched him rise through the banisters.
Rather than eat out, Bill elected to quickly have a have a local tribunal, at the conclusion of which swine was drawn, quartered and fried over a greasy fire with Milk 2.0 and Next Generation Bread.
I’m just saying, personally I would rather
Bill woke up and headed upstairs to the kitchen, where he had bacon, milk & bread
But that’s just me.
Just last week some bright eyed, enthusiastic marketing types infested my presence visited me. Gushing with enthusiasm and verve they laid a tapestry of powerpoint slides with more bullets than a meeting of APs and regular policemen before my jaundiced eye.
Powerpoint presentations, as I regularly tell my peers, are not always a source of subliminal clues for slumber. With a sporting attitude, a visiting bore presenter can be turned into a rich opportunity to make some extra money. There are several games that you can play, but I won’t betray all my secrets here. I will however let you know one of my favourite.
You will require at least two accomplices and a bit of cash to wager. The aim of the game is to get the Piriton presenter to say a word completely unrelated to the subject matter. The first person to get the sandman presenter to say the word pockets the cash. So in a presentation about Internet security the word could be something like fairy. Or smurf. Or if the presentation is about finance, a good word is rump. The easiest technique is to ask questions guiding the poor fool towards doom. I remember hearing once of an instance where the daring word chosen was buttock. Regrettably I was not present to participate but the third hand accounts of the event that trickled out indicate extremely bewildered presenters wondering at the enthusiasm, though somewhat misguided, of the participants.
Also last week one of those consultant types, nattily dressed in a pin striped suit and Frank Sinatra’s shoes confidently opened his pitch with how he was going to turn around our operations by 360 degrees. I did my best to resist the temptation but alas I failed. It was as our consultant, as per my request, drew a circle on the white board and marked out in 15 degree increments the points of the circle, that I began to suspect he would not consider me among his inner circle of friends.
PIC OF THE DAY
Jameni! What did that robot do to Lois Lane?
© M for tHiNkEr'S rOoM, 2009. | Permalink | 4 comments | Add to del.icio.us
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Imitation Is The Sincerest Form Of Flattery
» tHiNkEr'S rOoM Running through my list of RSS subscriptions this fine morning I came across this gem that precipitated me on the forked path leading to laughter and tears:
Several computers containing the results of the referendum Zelaya wanted to conduct are seized at the Presidential Palace
That’s right. Results of the referendum the president wanted to conduct; i.e. said referendum had not been conducted yet and yet there were results. Does that remind you of an occasion when Government helpfully voted for its citizens in a past election with impressive turnouts of up to 120% of the voting republic?
Methinks government at times takes its dedication to helping the public to its illogical extreme. Voting for the public, by and large, is a no-no!
© M for tHiNkEr'S rOoM, 2009. | Permalink | 4 comments | Add to del.icio.us
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Safaricom & The Despised Postpaid Customer
» tHiNkEr'S rOoM I am a Safaricom customer, and to be precise, a Safaricom postpaid customer. I have two lines, my main phone line and a data line for surfing. Every month I pay about 9,000 bob between the two lines to Michael Joseph and his merry men. Why am I on Safaricom? A number of reasons, the top two being the company I work for is a Safaricom partner and it won’t do to call a Safaricom partner on a Zain/Yu/Orange line, and the other reason is that changing my number will give me more grief than I care to imagine.
The mechanics are simple. As a postpaid customer I have signed a contract (two actually, one per line) binding me and my soul to Michael Joseph for the next calendar year.
What I failed to realize is that there is an official motto within Safaricom that states the following:
Postpaid customers are irritants. They are the stuff you find between your toes after a hard day of ploughing and tilling the fields
Why? Because being a postpaid customer is an endless series of grief.
- You get two or three threatening SMS messages a month to settle your bill, whether or not you have paid
- You get your bills, generally two or three months late, with an absurd disclaimer “ignore this bill if you have already paid”
- You need to write a letter to do pretty much anything. I left a customer care lady talking to herself when she informed me that I needed to write a letter to them to sign up for M-Pesa. Well, you can S-Mother your L-Etters and S-Hove them S-Omewhere the S-Un don’t S-hine
- Absolutely raw deals in all the promotions that Safaricom offers
That last one is what I find HUGELY irritating. Why should postpaid customers be short changed? Isn’t our money legal tender? Look at the Jibambie promotion. The rate postpaid customers got was a shilling higher than that of pre-paid customers. Absolute bullshit. And in several capmaigns,postpaid customers are not eligible.
Here is the latest promotion I received in my email
Good morning,
Safaricom is pleased to announce the Niko na Safaricom “Get 50% extra airtime Top up Promotion” where subscribers will get 50% extra FREE airtime on all top-ups of Ksh 50 to Ksh 1000 e.g. Top-up Bamba 50 get 75/- airtime, Bamba 100 get 150…… 1000 get 1500/-
Promotion Mechanics:
- ALL top-ups during the promotion period, from Ksh 50 to Ksh 1000 using scratch-cards, electronic vouchers (EAD), ATM qualify for the discount.
- You must top-up with Ksh 50 or more in one-go to qualify e.g. 3 Bamba 20 top-ups will not qualify
- Promotion runs from 0600hrs to 2359hrs on Wednesday 15th July 2009.
Note:
- MPESA top-ups and Sambaza DO NOT qualify
- Offer available on all PrePay tariffs i.e. Ongea, Safari, Super Taifa and Staff Tariffs only
- The extra airtime will carry the same validity as the normal airtime
- The credit can be used to make both off-net and on-net calls/SMS and browse the Internet.
Subscribers can top-up as many times during the promotion. Each top-up of Ksh 50 or more will receive the bonus airtime.
Kind regards
*******
Well the hell with you and the Horse you rode in on.
I am dying to know the good reason that I am sure exists why I am not eligible to participate in this offer. Clearly postpaid customers hawakao na Safaricom. Are we on Zain and yet don’t know about it?
I wrote back immediately demanding to know the basis behind this absurd discrimination. Knowing their ostrich strategy when dealing with customers, I’ll be surprised if I got a response.
Complacent indeed is the company that keeps giving its customers the middle finger.
© M for tHiNkEr'S rOoM, 2009. | Permalink | 14 comments | Add to del.icio.us
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Safaricom & The Despised Postpaid Customer
» tHiNkEr'S rOoM I am a Safaricom customer, and to be precise, a Safaricom postpaid customer. I have two lines, my main phone line and a data line for surfing. Every month I pay about 9,000 bob between the two lines to Michael Joseph and his merry men. Why am I on Safaricom? A number of reasons, the top two being the company I work for is a Safaricom partner and it won’t do to call a Safaricom partner on a Zain/Yu/Orange line, and the other reason is that changing my number will give me more grief than I care to imagine.
The mechanics are simple. As a postpaid customer I have signed a contract (two actually, one per line) binding me and my soul to Michael Joseph for the next calendar year.
What I failed to realize is that there is an official motto within Safaricom that states the following:
Postpaid customers are irritants. They are the stuff you find between your toes after a hard day of ploughing and tilling the fields
Why? Because being a postpaid customer is an endless series of grief.
- You get two or three threatening SMS messages a month to settle your bill, whether or not you have paid
- You get your bills, generally two or three months late, with an absurd disclaimer “ignore this bill if you have already paid”
- You need to write a letter to do pretty much anything. I left a customer care lady talking to herself when she informed me that I needed to write a letter to them to sign up for M-Pesa. Well, you can S-Mother your L-Etters and S-Hove them S-Omehwere the S-Un don’t S-hine
- Absolutely raw deals in all the promotions that Safaricom offers
That last one is what I find HUGELY irritating. Why should postpaid customers be short changed? Isn’t our money legal tender? Look at the Jibambie promotion. The rate postpaid customers got was a shilling higher than that of pre-paid customers. Absolute bullshit. And in several capmaigns,postpaid customers are not eligible.
Here is the latest promotion I received in my email
Good morning,
Safaricom is pleased to announce the Niko na Safaricom “Get 50% extra airtime Top up Promotion” where subscribers will get 50% extra FREE airtime on all top-ups of Ksh 50 to Ksh 1000 e.g. Top-up Bamba 50 get 75/- airtime, Bamba 100 get 150…… 1000 get 1500/-
Promotion Mechanics:
ALL top-ups during the promotion period, from Ksh 50 to Ksh 1000 using scratch-cards, electronic vouchers (EAD), ATM qualify for the discount. You must top-up with Ksh 50 or more in one-go to qualify e.g. 3 Bamba 20 top-ups will not qualify
Promotion runs from 0600hrs to 2359hrs on Wednesday 15th July 2009.Note:
MPESA top-ups and Sambaza DO NOT qualify
Offer available on all PrePay tariffs i.e. Ongea, Safari, Super Taifa and Staff Tariffs only
The extra airtime will carry the same validity as the normal airtime
The credit can be used to make both off-net and on-net calls/SMS and browse the Internet.Subscribers can top-up as many times during the promotion. Each top-up of Ksh 50 or more will receive the bonus airtime.
Kind regards,
*******
Dealer Support ManagerWell, Dealer Support Manager, the hell with you, Safaricom, Michael Joseph and the Horse you rode in on.
I am dying to know the good reason that I am sure exists why I am not eligible to participate in this offer. Clearly postpaid customers hawakao na Safaricom. Are we on Zain and yet don’t know about it?
I wrote back immediately demanding to know the basis behind this absurd discrimination. Knowing their ostrich strategy when dealing with customers, I’ll be surprised if I got a response.
Complacent indeed is the company that keeps giving its customers the middle finger.
© M for tHiNkEr'S rOoM, 2009. | Permalink | No comment | Add to del.icio.us
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Safaricom & The Despised Postpaid Customer
» tHiNkEr'S rOoM I am a Safaricom customer, and to be precise, a Safaricom postpaid customer. I have two lines, my main phone line and a data line for surfing. Every month I pay about 9,000 bob between the two lines to Michael Joseph and his merry men. Why am I on Safaricom? A number of reasons, the top two being the company I work for is a Safaricom partner and it won’t do to call a Safaricom partner on a Zain/Yu/Orange line, and the other reason is that changing my number will give me more grief than I care to imagine.
The mechanics are simple. As a postpaid customer I have signed a contract (two actually, one per line) binding me and my soul to Michael Joseph for the next calendar year.
What I failed to realize is that there is an official motto within Safaricom that states the following:
Postpaid customers are irritants. They are the stuff you find between your toes after a hard day of ploughing and tilling the fields
Why? Because being a postpaid customer is an endless series of grief.
- You get two or three threatening SMS messages a month to settle your bill, whether or not you have paid
- You get your bills, generally two or three months late, with an absurd disclaimer “ignore this bill if you have already paid”
- You need to write a letter to do pretty much anything. I left a customer care lady talking to herself when she informed me that I needed to write a letter to them to sign up for M-Pesa. Well, you can S-Mother your L-Etters and S-Hove them S-Omehwere the S-Un don’t S-hine
- Absolutely raw deals in all the promotions that Safaricom offers
That last one is what I find HUGELY irritating. Why should postpaid customers be short changed? Isn’t our money legal tender? Look at the Jibambie promotion. The rate postpaid customers got was a shilling higher than that of pre-paid customers. Absolute bullshit. And in several capmaigns,postpaid customers are not eligible.
Here is the latest promotion I received in my email
Good morning,
Safaricom is pleased to announce the Niko na Safaricom “Get 50% extra airtime Top up Promotion” where subscribers will get 50% extra FREE airtime on all top-ups of Ksh 50 to Ksh 1000 e.g. Top-up Bamba 50 get 75/- airtime, Bamba 100 get 150…… 1000 get 1500/-
Promotion Mechanics:
ALL top-ups during the promotion period, from Ksh 50 to Ksh 1000 using scratch-cards, electronic vouchers (EAD), ATM qualify for the discount. You must top-up with Ksh 50 or more in one-go to qualify e.g. 3 Bamba 20 top-ups will not qualify
Promotion runs from 0600hrs to 2359hrs on Wednesday 15th July 2009.Note:
MPESA top-ups and Sambaza DO NOT qualify
Offer available on all PrePay tariffs i.e. Ongea, Safari, Super Taifa and Staff Tariffs only
The extra airtime will carry the same validity as the normal airtime
The credit can be used to make both off-net and on-net calls/SMS and browse the Internet.Subscribers can top-up as many times during the promotion. Each top-up of Ksh 50 or more will receive the bonus airtime.
Kind regards,
*******
Dealer Support ManagerWell, Dealer Support Manager, the hell with you, Safaricom, Michael Joseph and the Horse you rode in on.
I am dying to know the good reason that I am sure exists why I am not eligible to participate in this offer. Clearly postpaid customers hawakao na Safaricom. Are we on Zain and yet don’t know about it?
I wrote back immediately demanding to know the basis behind this absurd discrimination. Knowing their ostrich strategy when dealing with customers, I’ll be surprised if I got a response.
Complacent indeed is the company that keeps giving its customers the middle finger.
© M for tHiNkEr'S rOoM, 2009. | Permalink | No comment | Add to del.icio.us
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Only In Kenya
» tHiNkEr'S rOoM Much ado has been made about the Track-It fiasco. Bet you thought CarTrack was a sure thing, didn’t you?
With their usual keen spirit of entrepreneurship, Kenyans have not been idle. allow me to introduce, ladies and gentlemen, the latest technology in the vehicle tracking market – Anti CarTrack.
I am wasting no time and setting up a lab that will sell CarTrack For CarTrack ™ and AntiCarTrack for CarTrack ™
© M for tHiNkEr'S rOoM, 2009. | Permalink | 10 comments | Add to del.icio.us
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Tax Reform
» tHiNkEr'S rOoM Few things remind me of mind numbing redundancy than the requirement of the Kenya Revenue Authority that all tax payers submit their written returns. Countless man hours are wasted by taxpayers, accountants all around Kenya and KRA employees to collect data that they already bloody have. Mind numbing repetitive manual work at unnecessary cost to the taxpayer.
As I vented my spleen on this matter the other day on my fourth attempt at filling my returns, friends and relatives backed away to a safe distance and I let slip the dogs of war.
What is my problem with the process?
- COMPLETELY redundant. You need a P9 form to fill in your returns. You then copy values from the P9 form onto your return. You then attach the same P9 form to your returns. Just think about that for a minute. What’s the damn point? I might as well just hand in my P9 again!
- COMPLETELY Greek. Not a soul I know could fill in those forms unassisted. Many accountants (including ours) flounder with the Greek like forms asking you to subtract this from that and put it there. (49A + 12B + 5C). What. The. Fuzz?
- COMPLETELY unacknowledged. If some KRA officials get marooned on an island and decide to set your returns on fire for warmth and cooking, you are buggered and have no recourse because you cannot prove you handed in the returns. You don’t get any receipts. In that same vain the KRA can’t prove that you didn’t either.
- COMPLETELY brain dead. If my only income is from my job, and the money is deducted even before I see it, why bother me with amorphous forms asking me questions I neither know, care about or understand? My company accountant is paid to do this, and he does in 12 months a year. Why bother me?
- COMPLETELY GRATUITIOUS use of my time. It is not, repeat NOT my work to track down landlords.
Instead of lowering taxes on cameras to promote the local porn movie industry
- Let tax returns only be for those with other income to declare. I don’t have flats or any other business so leave me alone and stop wasting my time!
- If we still have this foolishness, can’t the P9 be redesigned to BE the return for salaried employees?
- If we still have this foolishness, at least let it be online
- Stop asking me stupid questions. Especially if the answers are already in the P9
- Redesign the bloody thing to make it easier to fill. Why should I give my name, ID number, etc and I already filled in my PIN? It takes special talent to come up with the concept of Personal Identification Number and then ask me to identify myself some more. Nonsense.
- While at it, redesign the P9 too and label the figures with the corresponding slots in the returns forms. As it is both forms seem to have been designed by dyslexic, epileptic monkeys on crack and safari cane highs writing in a moving vehicle driving over corrugated potholes.
I assure whichever finance minister that scraps this stupidity, or at least reforms it, he will be thought of at least as a higher level mammal with binocular vision rather than the river trolls most people are sure their politicians are!
AOBYes, I am very much alive and have not been captured by martians. My blogging mojo is much sapped by twitter ( [twitter.com] ). However I shall make it a point to blog more. I have a lot to say
© M for tHiNkEr'S rOoM, 2009. | Permalink | 12 comments | Add to del.icio.us
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Air Travel
» tHiNkEr'S rOoM Few things are simultaneously exciting and terrifying like flying. I love everything about flying except the takeoff, and specifically the bit when the plane levels out. There was a flight I once took when I was sure that the damn thing had stopped mid-air and was deciding whether or not to crash. I love the rest. flying over the clouds, taking photos of clouds and formations and leaving the air flight hostesses in no doubt that the only time that powdered gunk they call milk will be introduced into my cup I will at the time be flying not as a passenger but as cargo. There’s no way I’m paying outrageous fare to drink powdered plaster of Paris. I know there is real milk in the galley and by George I’m going to get some.
In light of the unfortunate Air France crash, I recall a few years back I was flying from Gaborone to Jo’burg, and the passengers, (both of us) were asked to strap in by smiling stewardesses. We obliged. They then began the traditional volley of instructions on safe flying and halfway through, unable to contain myself I put my hand up.
The one giving me the instructions looked taken aback at the occurrence. Clearly she had yet to be questioned.
“Now then, Kelly,” I began comfortably. “We will be flying at 30,000 feet, which is 9-10 kilometers up, and this Boeing 737 weighs about 50,000 kilos. True?”
Kelly gave her best South African Airways smile. “True”.
“Should something happen, gravity will insist that those 30,000 feet above sea level be reduced to more manageable levels. So, let’s say we have engine failure. Without the engine a 737 has the grace of an obese hippopotamus in molasses soaked weetabix. This bad boy will descend with the momentum of the gods. We will hit the ground so hard a small hill will be created in China. True?”
Kelly smiled her most professional smile.
“But we might hit the water,” my fellow passenger said thoughtfully.
“Clearly you have never belly flopped at the local swimming pool. At the speed we’ll be going by the time the plane hits the water, we might as well hit concrete. Less damp. But I digress. My point is, fortune does not favour the poor fools in a 50 tonne aircraft that had a direct hit to soil or water having descended as quickly as possible from 9 kilometers up.”
There was a brief silence and my wisdom was digested.
“Seriously, Kelly, is there any point in all these precautions? Will me putting my head between my knees, acrobat that I may be, make a difference if the plane hits the Republic Of Botswana at several hundred miles an hour?”
Kelly did not have an answer for me. But she gave me an extra dinner and several bags of peanuts and fascinating stories of the colourful life of cabin crew.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, was pleasantly surprised to hear from characters who generally used His Name in vain.
© M for tHiNkEr'S rOoM, 2009. | Permalink | 18 comments | Add to del.icio.us
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Typing Errors
» tHiNkEr'S rOoM Looks like Uhuru-ism is seeping into government. Sample the Presidential Press Service press release
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Digital Age
» tHiNkEr'S rOoM -
Can the UNDP Get Serious
» tHiNkEr'S rOoM The rationale behind sending our 200+ MPs to coast on some amorphous retreat ranks right up mystifies me. Completely.
I mean, let’s do some guesstimations.
There are about 210 Muppets MPs. I doubt any of these pillars of integrity will be spending two nights in a tent. Nor will they stay in a rustic bed and breakfast. These good people will expect 5, and of possible. 6 star treatment. Let’s say a room of prerequisite level of luxury, with meals is about 15,000 a night. So, for two nights the budget for the 210 Trolls MPs is 210 * 15,000 * 2 = 6,300,000.
Six million bob!
Now, we also need to get these wastrels MPs there. I don’t see them volunteering to take a Mash Auto or Coast Bus. So we will need to fly them there. A return ticket, according the Kenya Airways site, is 144$ which is about 11,520. For 210 golliwogs MPs that equates to 2,419,200.
MPs have long been accustomed to the term ‘per-diem’ and even say it in their sleep. Let us say they get 100 bucks to piss away spend wisely in case of emergencies. So for 210 garden gnomes MPs that would be 1,680,000.
And finally, they will no doubt need some sort of media kit – pens, writing pads, etc for them to purport to look busy while in fact sleeping soundly/ texting knowledgeable locals about where to find action learn.
This brings the total expenses to be about 10,399,200.
Ten million shillings.
Now the popular defence is that the UNDP is picking up the tab. This is bullshit for several reasons
- The UN gets is money from taxpayers all over the world. Someone’s money is being pissed away either way
- MPs can presumably speak and understand English in Nairobi (though I cannot vouch for this)
- There are many many more pressing needs that require funding – looming famine, internally displaced Kenyans, victims of various fires
This ten million shillings is just being pissed away for no good reason. It makes no fiscal sense.
If it is in someone’s KPIs at the UNDP to piss away perfectly good money spend money and this is their way of appeasing the bean counters, I feel sorry for that institution. If they really want to piss away those funds, let them have the meeting in Nairobi and donate the excess funds to various initiatives to support the various initiatives in need to support, such as feeding the hungry or settling and supporting the IDPs.
It speaks volumes that the UNDP is willing to piss away money during a global recession!
© M for tHiNkEr'S rOoM, 2009. | Permalink | 7 comments | Add to del.icio.us
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Facebook Tests!
» tHiNkEr'S rOoM -
Show Her Your Longer Organ
» tHiNkEr'S rOoM 
What were you thinking??
© M for tHiNkEr'S rOoM, 2009. | Permalink | 10 comments | Add to del.icio.us
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The Law & Banking
» tHiNkEr'S rOoM 24 Hour baking and immediate cheque clearing is long overdue.
Cholmondley’s sentence could have been passed much earlier.
Twitter me for byte sized wisdom : twitter.com/roomthinker
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Bon Appetit
» tHiNkEr'S rOoM 
Aah! Nothing quite like a swig of Pee and a mouthful of Shitto after a hard day’s work.
© M for tHiNkEr'S rOoM, 2009. | Permalink | 11 comments | Add to del.icio.us
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From The Desk Of The Government Spokesman
» tHiNkEr'S rOoM Jood Good Morning. My name is Alfred ‘The Sailor Man’ Mutua.
I just wanted to take this opportunity to clarify some facts to Kenyans, for as you know the only facts in this country are those that come from my lips. Ha ha!
First of all I object to those who threw eggs at my Volkswagen Jolf. That car cost me a lot of money and I must insist again that all those human rights activists take their activation elsewhere.
I would like to take this opportunity again to remind Kenyans that our officers do not shoot people dead. What happens is that people position themselves just as bullets fired from our officer’s weapons arrive at the particular point at which they have positioned themselves.
I also want to single out the small boy who laughed at the music from my car. Elton Gohn is a timeless artiste.
I would like to assure Kenyans an Ujandans that the following are indeed part of Kenya
- Jarissa
- Kapenjuria
- Mount Kilimangaro
- Jatundu
- Kakameja
- Kagiado
- Wagir
- Lanjata
- JilJil
- Bunjoma
- Lokichojjio
- Muranja
- Namanja
Jood Good day Kenyans.
© M for tHiNkEr'S rOoM, 2009. | Permalink | 9 comments | Add to del.icio.us
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Banana Republics
» tHiNkEr'S rOoM It is said that the first step is denial. Well, I am pleased to report that I am no longer in denial.
This country, ladies and gentlemen, is for all intents and purposes a banana republic, only without the bananas.
Reading from light to left:
- An indecisive president rejoicing at the miles of fencing he has at State House at his disposal to sit on.
- An ineffective Prime Minister, allegedly charged with coordination of Government Ministry. Judging from the Babel from the said ministries, we are pleasantly surprised he can coordinate trouser and coat
- A government spokesman whose own mother is unlikely to take seriously, let alone 29,998,000 Kenyans
- A cabinet which judging from the intelligence demonstrated by their banter and pronouncements, are unlikely to have the capacity to tie their shoes before descending on their Morning Cerelac
- An Attorney General who fondly believes he is perpetually auditioning for a Colgate advertisement
- An anti-corruption commission that zealously goes after chicken thieves and pickpockets
- A trigger happy police force that lurches from crisis to crisis
- A civil service run by tottering old men that refuse to give way that continues to amaze with its ineffectiveness
- A juvenile parliament, complete with soiled diapers that is more interested in grandstanding than legislating.
- A self deluded judiciary that fondly believes it is effectively discharging its mandate
- An ever naive public that refuses to see that it is viewed as nothing more than a source of funds, votes and foot-soldiers.
- A now defunct electoral commission unable to accurately count a single coin toss. It takes some effort and quite the imbecility to announce with a straight face a candidate had 40,000 votes in a constituency that has 30,000 people, let alone voters.
Most people in positions of governance give impressions of an urgent need of a swift kick in the seat of the trousers.
The nail in the coffin was this public announcement laying blame for corruption at the foot of couples working in Government offices.
Digest that for a minute. The Government position is that people who answered in the affirmative to the question “Wilt thou?” are the source of stolen public money.
After laughing myself to tears, I deployed my crack investigation team, whose findings stunned even me.
Pictured below is the Government Of Kenya Policy Maker & Decision Making Device
This device, acquired in 2002 has been behind all Government decisions and policies to date.
To many of us who have long been of the opinion that some of the decisions taken by the Government cannot possibly have come from a Homo Sapiens with opposable thumbs and binocular vision, much makes sense.
Going back to the couples, I have in my possession I card from Reverend Moon that I feel the authorities should investigate further
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For The Prime Minister
» tHiNkEr'S rOoM Willing hands have pitched in to address the Prime Minister’s complaint as to having nowhere to spray his napalm or drop his depth charges
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I’m Just Asking …
» tHiNkEr'S rOoM Aside from providing opportunities for MPs, assorted heads of state, as well as journalists with extra travel budgets and bloggers with miscellaneous grants to dispose of, just what, precisely, did the London Summit achieve?
Bonus points if the answer doesn’t include any of the following:
- Beginning the process
- Exchange ideas
- Concerted effort
- Commitment
- Engagement
- Grand plan
I’m just asking.
© M for tHiNkEr'S rOoM, 2009. | Permalink | 7 comments | Add to del.icio.us
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New Appointments
» tHiNkEr'S rOoM Good morning fellow Kenyans.
My name is Alfred “I See Dead People” Mutua.
Government would like to reassure its citizens that the recent resignation of Ms Martha Karua and Mr Danson Mungatana have not in any way caused it sleepless nights.
In fact, we are happy that they have gone so that we can put some fresh faces in the cabinet.
In light of this change I am pleased to announce the following.
The new Minister for Justice And Constitutional affairs is this plate of Weetabix.
The plate of Weetabix has promised to cleanse the bowels of justice.
Additionally, the new Assistant Minister for Medical Services is now this ham sandwich
The sandwich will be sworn to fill the bellies of the sick.
Both cabinet ministers will be sworn in next week and commence work at once.
Waiting in the wings to be sworn in are a glass of milk and half a pancake.
The new cabinet members are just as effective as the team they are joining, if not more. Let it not be said that there is not talent and intelligence in Government.
© M for tHiNkEr'S rOoM, 2009. | Permalink | 7 comments | Add to del.icio.us
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Here Comes The Bride
» tHiNkEr'S rOoM A family friend is getting married this Friday. As they make the final preparations I fondly remember being in that position a week before our big day juggling logistics, family, ulcers, priests, venues and suits.
I cannot tell a lie … there were times the AG’s chambers seemed appealing. And as D-Day drew closer even that seemed too much of a hassle and the local Chief’s mabati hut looked appealing. But soldier on we did.
I especially commend my wonderful better half because in addition to the wedding hassles, she had to deal with me, who is largely handicapped by being me.
When it comes to weddings, the human male is terribly handicapped by being a human male. Being a human male makes it difficult to contribute constructively to many aspects of the wedding.
Sample this tidbit shortly after the master plan for world domination had been tabled and approved by the coalition partner
Missus: Sweetie, what should our colour scheme be?
Mister: Err … colour scheme? (Racking brain for what a colour scheme is, then giving up) Black?Or this exchange in a wedding gown shop festooned with tresses and trails
Missus: Sweetie, what do you think of this wedding gown?
Mister: (Trying and failing to come up with criteria for a nice gown other than tightness around certain bits) Er … hmm. Good question. Good question. It’s er … is OK.Or this one in the suit shop as the groom was reacquainted with a coat, the last one he wore boasting a school crest on the front pocket
Missus: Sweetie, which shade do you prefer? Azure or Aquamarie? * Actual colours stated may have been different
Mister: (Knowing neither colour, desperately pointing at the nearest one) This one. Yes, definitely this one.Good times, good times.
At the end of it all it worked out perfectly. The bride showed up at the church. The groom showed up at the correct church. No one rose when the priest asked if there was anyone with objections. The rings had not been forgotten in a pocket of a suit that had been taken to the laundry.
Execution was flawless, despite my main contribution being approving the menu and denting my boss’ car. She did the rest. You, my dear, are amazing.
And every morning since when I wake up and look at wife and home, ever so slightly a different aspect of just how fortunate I am occurs to me.
And I say to myself yessir, you’s a lucky fellow.
Love, M
PIC OF THE DAY
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Headline News
» tHiNkEr'S rOoM 
You can’t make this stuff up.
The animal stared at him suggestively? Riiight!
© M for tHiNkEr'S rOoM, 2009. | Permalink | 12 comments | Add to del.icio.us
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A Trip To Othaya I
» tHiNkEr'S rOoM I was in Othaya for a few days on official duty. It was an interesting experience. One of my first encounters was with a large animal of the bovine persuasion who attempted to tell me something. I could not understand a thing the animal was saying.
I’ve only just translated it with some help from some government official who speaks among other things, pure ass.
Suddenly, a lot makes sense!
AOBTomorrow is a day of great significance. More on that as it develops
© M for tHiNkEr'S rOoM, 2009. | Permalink | 9 comments | Add to del.icio.us
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The Nigerian And I Part II
» tHiNkEr'S rOoM I responded heartily to the first message
Dear Rita, Do not give a second’s thought to my moral ethics. And my personal life is not being disturbed at all. With regards to privacy dear Rita, rest assured that I will treat your correspondence with the trust it deserves.
I’m happy to hear that you are a serious minded person! What a coincidence! Why so am I!
I’m sorry to hear about Gary and his passing away after that brief illness. It’s too bad the two of you were not able to do your bit to multiply and fill the earth.
I’m even sorrier about the cancer. It would seem the decks are stacked against you indeed! Which cancer is it? I had a cousin who had cancer of the rectum. I know, it smelt fishy to us too!
And on top of all this you have a stroke too! Goodness me! Is there anything that you don’t have? Housemaid’s Knee perhaps! When it rains it pours, doesn’t it?
I’m very pleased that you have chosen me to help you reduce the money to manageable levels. I too have several charities that I support, and the biggest one is called Numero Uno. Numero Uno needs funds to buy food, clothing, cultlery and crockery and general upkeep. I have been supporting this charity for a while and it has been rough going.
Blessed indeed is the hand that giveth. I assure you that you will get what’s coming to you after all the giving you are doing.
I’m glad you will not share the funds with you husband’s relatives who are not Christians. After all, Jesus told the people to cast the first sheep. Or was it stone?
Your difficult decision is one I appreciate, and i am happy that you are not taking phone calls because I have lost my voice.
I would very much love to help you dispose of those funds. Believe me.
With Christians like you – what more do we need?
Please let me know how I can send you my details.
Regards
Herr Andarweah
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The Nigerian And I Part I
» tHiNkEr'S rOoM I generally get a proliferation of letters from Nigerians/Sierra Leoneans/Cameroonians offering me a handsome cut of profits. I have ignored them all without fail. But one day I thought … why not answer one and see what happens? Strap yourself in and enjoy
Mrs. Rita Williams
49 Featherstone Street
London EC1Y 8SY
United KingdomDear Beloved One,
I apologize if the contents in this mail are contrary to your moral ethics which I feel
may be of great disturbance to your personal life, but I feel quite safe dealing with
you.Though this medium (Internet) has been greatly abused,I choose to reach you
through it because it remains the fastest,surest and most secured medium of communication.
However, this correspondence is purely private, and it should be treated as such.
I am contacting you based on trust and confidentiality.I have reposed higher confidence in your ability to handle this matter perfectly
for my sake. I am serious minded person. I am the above named person from Liberia.
I am married to Mr. Gary Williams who worked with Embassy here in London for nine
years before he died in the year 2003. We were married for eleven years without a
child. He died after a brief illness that lasted for only four days. Before his
death we were both born again christian.Since his death I decided not to re-marry
or get a child outside my matrimonial home which the Bible is against.When my late
husband was alive he deposited the sum of $6.Million (Six Million U.S. Dollars) in
a financial Vault.Presently, this money is still in a financial Vault.Recently, my
Doctor told me that I would not last for the next Eight months due to cancer problem.The one that disturbs me most is mystroke sickness. Having known my condition I
decided to keep this fund in the vault. I want an organization or an individual that will
use this fund for orphanages, widows, propagating the word of God and to
endeavour that the house of God is maintained. The Bible made us to understand that
Blessed is the hand that giveth. I took this decision because I don’t have any child that
will inherit this money and my husband relatives are not Christians and I don’t want my husbands
efforts to be used by unbelievers. I don’t want a situation where this money will be used in an
ungodly way.This is why I am taking this decision. I am not afraid of death hence I know where
I am going. I know that I am going to be in the bosom of the Lord, Exodus 14 VS 14
says that the Lord will fight my case and I shall hold my peace. I don’t need any
telephone communication in this regard because of my health hence the presence of
my husband’s relatives around me always. I don’t want them to know about this
development.With God all things are possible. As soon as I receive your reply I shall contact my lawyer to
do the normal process to enable the bank commence the release Your information as follows are
needed to proceed.1. Your full name
2. Your complete postal address
3. Your private telephone number
4. Your private fax number if any
5. Your age
6. Your accupationMy happiness is that I lived a life of a worthy Christian. Whoever that wants to serve the Lord
must serve him in spirit and truth. Please always be prayerful all through your life. Any delay in your
reply will give me room in sourcing another person for this same purpose.Please assure me that you will act accordingly as I stated herein.
Hoping to receive your reply and Remain blessed in the Lord.
Your’s faithfully,
Mrs. Rita Williams
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Picture This
» tHiNkEr'S rOoM 
Presidential Media analysis follows:
If one could lip read…
© M for tHiNkEr'S rOoM, 2009. | Permalink | 20 comments | Add to del.icio.us
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From A Fly On The Wall
» tHiNkEr'S rOoM Minister: Yes, I am fully behind Miller
Chair: OK then, one vote for Cecil
Minister: Wait! Who?
Chair: Cecil. Miller’s first name is Cecil
Minister: (Incredulously) You mean it’s not Maize?© M for tHiNkEr'S rOoM, 2009. | Permalink | 9 comments | Add to del.icio.us
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From The Desk Of The Government Spokesman
» tHiNkEr'S rOoM Fellow Kenyans,
My name is Alfred ‘Chemical Ali’ Mutua, Government Spokesman for the Banana Republic of Kenya. My duty is to enlighten the people in Kenya by giving them the facts, not what they think are the facts.
MaizeContrary to popular belief, there is no maize shortage. There is plenty of maize. The problem is that the maize is at a location of which we are unaware. Besides, would we export maize to Sudan if we had it?
Of course not! Also, I would like to categorically state that our Agriculture Minister is allergic to maize, ugali,porridge and indeed anything that contains or looks like maize and therefore cannot be involved in any scandals. Kenyans should diversify and instead of insisting on maize look at alternatives like corn and mahindi.
TaxesMuch has been said about MPs and civil servants paying their taxes. Government takes pride that its members refused to give in to peer pressure and took the high road. We can’t all be paying taxes. Think about it. It’s just not logical. Or fair.
ActivistsGovernment does not tolerate activists. We insist that activists take their activation elsewhere. We have channels and institutions to address any manner of issues. Look at how we handled Goldenberg, Anglo Leasing, Maize, Fuel and so on. In every case no stone was left unturned. In fact, no turn was left unstoned either.
Tanks And Military HardwareKenya as you know is a technologically advanced country. I fail to understand what all the hullabaloo is about these tanks. Where were journalists when we bought the Nina, The Pinta and the Santa Maria for our Navy? I’ve just been on a teleconference with some officers of the Kenya Airforce, Captains Njoroge, Ginger and Algy and they too wonder why there was no hullabaloo when the Airforce purchased twenty Sopwith Camels.
The hijacked tanks we acquired, and that we are taking great pains to make a public spectacle of are indeed ours. Whether or not they were used by Stalin in World War II is neither here nor there. In any case tanks are like fine wine. They get better with age. Besides, only the lazy rely on things like electrically powered turrets, lasers and diesel engines. Just a heads up – we will be conducting military exercises to test only the T72 tanks in the Northern Kenyan border so nothing should be made of the sight of a train carrying said tanks heading to Suda—er—Northern Kenya.
Also, we are expecting a shipment of muskets and Samurai swords for the Kenya Army.
TourismWe are still getting inquiries about the 20 million spent on the President’s trip to Masai Mara. Let me clarify this very simply. Due to logistical complications, the President was unable to make it to Masai Mara.
We therefore elected to fly the buffalo, lions, elephants, hippos and other animals from Masai Mara to the president. To save on costs we insisted the birds make their own way and did not fly them. After all, we are a fiscally prudent government.
DisastersWe are declaring hunger a national disaster. This will make it go away. We are also declaring dandruff a national disaster. To make sure we’re covered we’re also declaring fire, water, soil, snow, rain and late night television national disasters.
We would also like to clarify – no Kenyan has died from hunger. Those who have, have died from death.
GTVWe are declaring the collapse of the GTV a national disaster, and are naming a 40 member team to investigate this matter.
Composed of MPs and civil servants, the team will fly to London for a 3 month investigation into this matter. While there the team will also take in the sights and … er … promote Kenya as a tourist destination.
© M for tHiNkEr'S rOoM, 2009. | Permalink | 21 comments | Add to del.icio.us
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Cabinet Tales V
» tHiNkEr'S rOoM Kibaki: “Hizo mawezere wezere wezere wezere ….”
Karua: I beg your pardon?!
Kibaki: Bloody bure! I was just singing to myself
Mwakwere: Are you from Coast?
Marende: Order! Order! Any member can sing if he is feeling sufficiently philanthropic!
Kalonzo: It’s like I was telling my constituents the other day. A country is like an eighteen wheeled lorry painted green with “Rough Riders: Ride Or Die” painted on the rear windscreen with a colobus monkey, a banana and a rabbi in the front seat …
Charity: And?
Kalonzo: I forget at this point the point I was trying to make. But it was very important!
Mutula: Not as important as my proposal. I propose all roads be expanded as follows: One lane for the president, one for the prime minister, one for cabinet members, one for the police and fire brigade, one for left handed people, one for right handed people, one for people under 6 feet, one for people over six feet, one for people who watch Tyra and one for people who watch Oprah. I also propose that all roundabouts be expanded with smaller roundabouts being put inside the larger roundabouts.
Nyongo: (Sarcastically) Indeed.
Kimunya: If I may speak…
Ntimama: Quick! Someone please check that the chambers have not been sold to the Libyans!
Mwakwere: Are Libyans from Coast?
Bifwoli: Are we been served tea in this meeting?
Ruto: You and food!
Bifwoli: (Indignantly) Me? ME?! Look at you! You are covered by a very thin film of a powdery substance ….
Ruto: It is NOT maize flour! Besides, is it a crime to wallow, roll and swim in maize?
Bifwoli: Well ….
Kiraitu: Pff! Krrkmmzz. Grrggnnn
Bishop: Glowreh! Someone please help that Son of God from choking. Glowreh!
Karua: He’s not choking. He’s laughing
Nkaiserry: Is it just me or does someone here smell powerfully of diesel?
Kiraitu: Can you ngo srow on this matter. I don’t have anything to do with the fuel shortage
Sambili: Can we focus my friends. We have a crisis in Kenyan football.
Raila: You know, football is like a game of football.
Magara: Hear hear!
Poghisho: Focus everyone. Can we discuss the Hague?
Mwakwere: Bless you
Poghisho: But I’ve not sneezed
Mwakwere: Sorry. Go on
Pohgnisho: Should we support the Hague…
Mwakwere: Bless you! Is there a flu epidemic in the house?
(Ngilu whispers in his ear)
Mwakwere: Oh! The Hague! I get you, I get you. Is it in Coast?
Mungatana: Let us discuss critical issues affecting the country. Did you know that GTV folded last week and I had paid for 3 months in advance!
Raila: Who is Mungatana???
Ngilu: Can Saitoti have a written statement delivered to our offices by tomorrow on this matter?
Saitoti: There come a time! There come a time!
Nyongo: Tell it to the birds
Saitoti: Garment takes it very seriously…
Bishop: Government you mean
Saitoti:That’s what I said. Garment.
Mwiria: Can the Minister for Tourism explain why it cost the treasury 20 million for the President to go to the Mara? Outrageous!
Balala: The Honourable member is speaking from a position of disinformation. The president did not actually go to the Mara. We flew all the Rhinoceroses (or Rhinoceri if you prefer), Hippos (or hippi), Lions (or Lioni), buffalos (or buffali), Elephants (or Elephanti), impala (or impali), camels (cameli) and assorted birds TO the president. Mohammed and the mountain of you get me. Flights cost money, especially since some of us are storing fuel in a manner likely to suggest resale at a future date for an exaggerated markup. The flights are catered and you know how camels drink!
Ruto: Exactly. In fact maize was served on that flight!
Balala: (Modestly) My ministry was also able to move a river and a small lake
Mwakwere: If I may ask a question…
Nyongo: (Irritably) Are you going to ask if Balala is from coast?
Mwakwere: No
Nyongo: Good
Mwakwere: Are hippos from coast?
Kiunjuri: If we might turn our attentions to the tisha strike.
Beth: The what?
Kiunjuri: The tisha strike.
Beth: What is that?
Kiunjuri: My esteemed colleague seems to be wallowing in a fetid morass or ignorance if she is unaware that those of the noble profession entrusted with imparting knowledge to our youngsters have downed their tools in a sustained campaign for improved remuneration. There is a tisha strike.
Wetangula: You people missed history being made! When i was in America ….
Bifwoli: Uuuuuuwi! Uuuuuuwi! Wetangula is a tiktater! Wetangula is a titkater!
Marende: Order! Order! If Wetangula is feeling sufficiently philanthropic to go to America
Mwiria: And watch the inauguration from the top of a tree ….
Wetangula: That is neither here nor there. The fact is I watched it live.
Magara:We need to investigate if the Obama inauguration was in fact live!
Namwamba: Lucy Kibaki is the director of Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae. And Enron. And BCCI. In fact it’s no coincidence if you take the fourth letter of Hitler and add U, C and Y. Try it! Shocking stuff! A scandal!
Kibaki: Bloody bure! I’m making some changes. From now on you call me either Mr President or The Emilio. In two weeks one of you will be fired.
Bifwoli: Where’s our usual cup of tea?
Ruto: I have made arrangements with … er … a catering company that will be providing us with maize porridge until the next election.
Uhuru: My colleagues, the economic crunch is getting biting. Nowadays I am forced to share the same car as my driver! Outrageous!
Kalonzo: Given that Button Moon is about to come on in the next half hour I beg of us to close this meeting and our allowances to be paid.© M for tHiNkEr'S rOoM, 2009. | Permalink | 30 comments | Add to del.icio.us
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CNN At Work
» tHiNkEr'S rOoM 
Raul further said that contrary to popular belief, he was not, had never been and did not plan to be Zorro.
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Surprise!
» tHiNkEr'S rOoM Only a particularly slow individual would be surprised at the news that Amos Kimunya is back in cabinet! After all, I even drew a diagram explaining how things work in this neck of the woods. Reacquaint yourself with it at your convenience.
Thought Of The DayAmericas cried as they watched their president being sworn in. Kenyans wept as they watched theirs
Pic Of The Day
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Hussein Obama
» tHiNkEr'S rOoM Yesterday, one Hussein Obama was sworn in as the 44th president of the United States of America.
Kenya, as it is generally wont to, sent a contingent of idlers and freeloaders, captained by Foreign Affairs Minister Moses “I’ve just been to Optica” Wetangula, who must be full from his numerous helpings of humble pie as he is the unfortunate who said “Who is Obama to tell us anything? He is just a junior senator from Illinois.” Wetangula famously pronounced the ‘s’.
Speaking of humble pie, I am eating my share of the same. I could never have wagered that Obama would win the election, much less the democratic nomination. Considering that Obama could not have won on the strength of the black vote alone, it speaks volumes of the American people walking the walk rather than just talking the talk.
I categorically eat my words and my hat.
Well in Mr. Obama! Well in America!
Although in my defence my jaundiced view is not helped by the poor calibre of leadership shown by our leaders and the tribal myopia of an embarrassingly large contingent of my fellow countrymen.
I have no doubt Obama would have lost the election if he run in Kenya.
If he was lucky enough to find his name on the electoral roll, and was even luckier to find his face and name on the ballot, he would have been sunk by voter turnouts of 340% voting for the incumbent. The final nail in his coffin would be the swearing in taking place while the ECK chairman is having his announcement typed by a ‘secretary’ in a beret , green uniform and a G3 slung across his shoulders.
But I digress.
Contrast
The biggest contrast I have ever seen in a long time was the way Americans looked fondly with admiration and pride and even love at their new leadership yesterday, compared to the *****, *****, ******, ****** and ***** with which Kenyans regard their leadership from the swearing in todate. What a vast difference! Rest assured you useless logarithms, that is not the way we look at you!
Why oh why can’t we get such a man instead of the hyenas and garden gnomes we have now!
I was in a passionate argument with a gentleman yesterday to the effect that America has had 200 years to get themselves in order whereas we are a young country.
I find this to be a bullshit excuse not worth the 1ply it deserves to be written on. Show me the commandment that dictates we must learn from the school of hard knocks! Is it not wiser to learn from the successes and mistakes of others.
AOBPal: Dude, clearly you’re being looked after well, you lucky bastard
M: I cannot tell a lie my son, that I am, that I am. What makes you say that?
Pal: Before you got married my guy you carried biscuits and snacks in all the oddest places. In your pockets, in your laptop bag, in your car dashboard
M: I categorically deny!
Pal: Now you actually have a sealed container, something that cannot possibly be your doing!Indeed, I am a lucky man. My dearest, YOU ROCK!
© M for tHiNkEr'S rOoM, 2009. | Permalink | 15 comments | Add to del.icio.us
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Airport
» tHiNkEr'S rOoM I really enjoy traveling. Really. There’s just something about being in totally unfamiliar surroundings, surrounded by totally unfamiliar people speaking an unfamiliar language that just appeals to me.
Being unknown in unknown surroundings is pretty much equivalent to a blank cheque. You can, for instance, enjoy yourself thoroughly by speaking with an accent. Don’t be boring by using an American or a British accent. If you want to cause much puzzlement and head scratching, nothing beats the sight of an African speaking with an Indian accent.
But I digress.
Much as I love traveling, I HATE AIRPORTS, and especially JKIA. I had to use that establishment’s services for a couple of times last year and I assure you that there was much weeping and gnashing of teeth. I wept.
JKIA is big, poorly designed, stuffy and as comfortable as sand filled y-fronts. The broken, uncomfortable chairs in the departure lounges have to be seen (and sat on) to be believed. The facilities generally smell like a certain substance chemical symbol NH3, better known as Ammonia. The one time circumstances forced me to make use of the same (a litre of Coke, ladies and gentlemen, will eventually demand an exit) I went in a black haired man and emerged platinum blonde from the fumes. The security guards at the entrance are overzealous and have delusions of grandeur.
But despite this doom and gloom much merriment can be derived from the insanity.
Travelers by and large treat the 2 hour check-in period as an unnecessary and malicious complication. I freely confess to being one of these until a few flights have cured me of this foolishness. Kenyans will show up for a 7:30 flight at 7:20, fully laden with 3 bags, a ruck-sack, golf clubs, a baby and two teddy bears and expect to make it on time. Those two hours are for
- Allowing you to queue with the other 100 people on the flight, fill in nonsense forms and check in your crap
- Correcting the many issues that the airport/travel agent/airline/you have screwed up (no, dammit the flight is to Niger, not Nigeria!)
Travelers additionally have a strange habit of dressing to the nines to travel. I remember a flight some years back where there were four of us traveling to Uganda for some reason I forget at this juncture. There was an uncomfortable silence when I showed up at the airport in my faded t-shirt, track suit bottoms and battered sandals to find my other colleagues in suit and tie, complete wit briefcases. Needless to say I was taken aback and inquired if there had been a change of plan from our itinerary that was to travel to Entebbe, take a cab to Kampala and check in to the hotel and proceed to get a night’s sleep. I was assured there was none. Todate I am mystified why some of us insist on suit and tie to travel. Or perhaps I am playing roulette with the latex glove?
Travelers additionally carry large amounts of crap in and on their persons when traveling. Again I freely confess I used to be one of these. Last year I was with a fellow Kenyan on a return flight from South Africa and at the metal detector she filled two trays with the contents of her pockets, items ranging from money, sweets, biscuits, tulcum powder to sanitary pads and tampons. The male security guard did not shy away from examining the latter items in great detail.
The metal detector is another item that still mystifies. A typical scenario is a feller, call him Bill, walks through the detector. It beeps. Guard asks Bill if he’s carrying or wearing anything metallic. Bill denies both counts and walks through again. It beeps Bill then empties the coins in his pocket into a tray and tries again. It beeps. Bill then takes the guard’s suggestion and removes his belt. Bill then walks through the detector with his belt in hand. Unsurprisingly, it beeps. Finally after removing belt, gold teeth, suspenders and assorted rings and putting them in the tray, Bill finally goes through, after wasting 5 minutes of everyone’s time.
What is the point of those ridiculous entry and exit forms? I don’t get it. They are a colossal waste of time. After all, the same information is scanned from your passport to why force us to fill them? I make sure I use my worst handwriting and if I can find one, a luminous green biro. If I have time some Morse code on the back in dots, dashes and pluses will keep immigration officers busy. Let their immigration and intelligence services earn their money trying to break my code.
Anyway, happy new year my friends. Here’s to 2009!
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Caption Me!
» tHiNkEr'S rOoM 
Government: no frontier untouched!
*This image may or may not be an accurate representation.
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Honourable Members
» tHiNkEr'S rOoM Much ado has been made about the Kenyan MP, that curious creature, like the cockroach, that seems to resist all attempts to wipe it out (except the boot of a well fed human being of considerable girth).
What one needs to understand about the Kenyan MP is as follows:
- The Kenyan MP is generally of questionable utility, and of indeterminate paternal origin
- The Kenyan MP fondly believes that an IQ of room temperature is remarkable
- The Kenyan MP has an IQ of just below room temperature
- The Kenyan MP fondly believes that everyone else is less intelligent
- See #2
Once you have these basic principles in mind, it is pretty easy to understand these freaks of nature.
The Waki ReportThe instant I heard that a commission was being formed to look into the unrest and name suspects, I bitterly remarked that Kenya would yet again provide another contribution to one and two ply tissue that battle valiantly to clean the human backside. Few supplies of paper are as steady as Kenyan commission reports.
There is no way that report is going to be implemented. Either it will be summarily rejected or a tribunal with the bite of a very large dog (a hot dog) will carry out the recommendations and find nothing. But that is neither here nor there. What I found hilarious was that about 8 months ago ODM were on TV refusing to go to court over the election results. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to debate the wisdom of that. What they said was that there was “no way they would get justice in a Kenyan court”.
Just the other day the same fellows were waxing lyrical about Kenya’s “sovereignty and ability of the judiciary to handle matters”.
Now you and I might find this to be a contradiction, but keep in mind this is the Kenyan MP. See #1 - #3
TaxationIn terms of appearing to care for the welfare of the Kenyan, few can match the performance of the Kenyan MP. Even when out of office, the Kenyan MP can display a touching concern and affection for the average Kenyan, especially if the average Kenyan is female, has the right dimensions and has access to funds of say, a Nigerian. (How’s it going Raphael?)
Kenyan MPs have no problem playing the David to the working man’s Uriah. In fact if you work in the city and think your MP will reappear at the constituency only at election time you’d better establish and maintain contact with your neighbours so you can be notified when David comes hunting your Bathsheba.
Sadly, this is the only interest your MP may show in you. He however expects you to pay for his fuel, for the roads he travels on, for the sugar cane he eats on the way, for the v1agr@ he pops en route and for the roof over his head. I was very amused when Amos Kimunya tried to tax these garden gnomes. Perhaps his current woes may be traced to this very act.
But let me not belabour the point. It is futile to expect these Orcs to return to the forge from which Saruman created them. The older I grow the more I realize that Guy Fawkes was onto something.
AOBObama had better not get too complacent about his victory. From past experience, once Juja results arrive everything might change!
Pic Of The Day
What the fuzz is this guy doing to Spiderman?
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Hello world!
» tHiNkEr'S rOoM Welcome to WordPress. This is your first post. Edit or delete it, then start blogging!
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Hello world!
» tHiNkEr'S rOoM Welcome to WordPress. This is your first post. Edit or delete it, then start blogging!
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About
» tHiNkEr'S rOoM This is an example of a WordPress page, you could edit this to put information about yourself or your site so readers know where you are coming from. You can create as many pages like this one or sub-pages as you like and manage all of your content inside of WordPress.
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About
» tHiNkEr'S rOoM This is an example of a WordPress page, you could edit this to put information about yourself or your site so readers know where you are coming from. You can create as many pages like this one or sub-pages as you like and manage all of your content inside of WordPress.
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While I Was Away …
» tHiNkEr'S rOoM 
That is me flying through the air with the greatest of ease.
Reading from Left to Right: Myself and My Better Half
Hopefully the above will explain my absence for the past few weeks ….
Here’s to you missus … WORLD DOMINATION CONTINUES!
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Racism?
» tHiNkEr'S rOoM I watched some of the B.E.T awards this past weekend, and especially enjoyed Al Greene’s performance. The awards were replete with references to Obama. Which is well and good. However I am not convinced all those folks in shiny suits (here’s looking at you Diddy!) could utter a single one of Obama’s campaign platforms. In fact from the general tone of the comments I am convinced that most of the speakers (if indeed they are going to vote) are going to vote for Obama because he is Black. How is that not racist? How different is this from insisting that some folks out to sit at the front of the bus because they are white?
My admiration for the man notwithstanding, I strongly believe, as I do in the our local setting, if you vote for a candidate for anything other than the issues, or for that matter don’t vote for a candidate for a reason other than the issues, and to be specific tribe/race then you are an ass.
In fact, voting for Obama because of his race makes a mockery of everything the man and democracy stands for. And on the same coin not voting for him because he is black speaks volumes of the state of democracy, maturity and fair play in 2008!
I’ll bet If parallel sentiments were expressed at a McCain rally protests would be flooding faster than you could say Jim Crow.
Quote Of The Day
Wednesday? That’s too early in the week
Priceless
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OlyMpics!
» tHiNkEr'S rOoM AbsurdityKenya as usual sent a delegation that was top heavy, rich in officials, officers and attaches and wanting in athletes. And even those officials, officers and attaches were only going to exercise their right arms raising forks and tankards to their lips. I am informed our new Sports Minister took along the fruit of her loins at the expense of stadia officials. I no longer pretend to be surprised. Where can I as a citizen get a list of who went to Beijing with their bill footed by me, the taxpayer?
GymnasticsA female Chines gymnast rejoices under the name He Kexin. For a she, being called He no doubt can lead to a somewhat delicate social faux pas. He (she) has spent a lifetime enduring the little embarrassments that are inevitable when a she is called He.
Here He is
SwimmingFew things can cause more consternation than swimming in a pool against Michael Phelps. From the looks of things he has a small outboard motor that he makes religious use of.
Tearing it up
While fellow swimmers subsist on diets of lentils, cold water and the memory of chicken, Michael Phelps was gorging himself on pizzas and burgers. Michael Phelps has the distinction of taking home more gold medals than
- The entire US track & field team
- Africa
- Countries 9-85 in the medals table
Usain Bolt is clearly the man of the moment. 3 gold medals, Olympic records and 3 world records later, he shows no signs of slowing down. The fellow ran so fast the camera covered him to the finish line and then back to get the fellows straining for 2nd position.
Bolt Of Lightning
Once upon a time I ran the 100m (humble school sports days, not Olympics!) and I can assure you few things are as agonizing as running as fast as you possibly can and watching some fellow pulling away from you! It’s just a matter of time before sour grapes (see below) label the poor chap Saddam Usain
To the doofus who had a Michael Phelps moment and dived for the line in the 400m: chap, in London 2012 there will be rules against low flying aircraft.
Finally to ground!
If a virus descended upon the Olympic village this night, 8 people would emerge unscathed. These would be the US men & women’s relay teams, who have amply demonstrated they can’t catch anything.
Whoops!
Long DistanceKenenisa Bekele is a man I respect. The guy appears to have extra lungs somewhere on his person. Few things can be as depressing as being a participant in a race with this chap.
Living legend
For instance, some hapless fellow was lapped by Bekele in the 10,000m. As Bekele comfortably glided past, the fellow had a flash of hope until he realized that to win the race he had to overtake Bekele twice.
Paula Radcliffe is a heart wrenching figure indeed. Every time she’s on TV she is either in her trademark agonized hunched run, looking like she is in acute distress (or constipation), or she is in an inconsolably tearful state. Or both. Can she get some honorary award of some sort?
BoxingOur representatives in the boxing events returned with little fanfare last week after being summarily eliminated.
There’s no shame in losing. After all you lost against some of the best in the world. What is not in order is attributing your loss to the electronic scoring system. My friends, that one is not convincing.
FootballI had the pleasure of watching the women’s final match between USA and Brazil. My friends that was some of the best football I have ever seen.
CyclingWith its proliferation of cyclists, I was surprised that Kenya did not send an cyclists to Beijing until I remembered that we are under an administration that would win a clean sweep of medals for gross incompetence, blatant corruption and 1 x 40 gorging of public coffers
Tae Kwon doCuban Liu Kang Angel Valodia Matos changed the Olympic sport forever when he kicked the taste out of a referee’s mouth
Finish Him!
Sour GrapesIf you go to any American news site covering the Olympics you will be pleasantly surprised to find that according to the medal standings America is first. The criteria they use is number of medals. Using this warped logic, if you have 2 bronze medals you are placed above a country with a single gold. You’d think finding some sense would be simpler than finding weapons of mass destruction. In Africa we should divide number of medals by nuclear reactors to get who is first.
AOB
Guess which movie some relay teams would rather not watch?
Ok, that’s my last shot. I promise. FYI I have once in my distant past dropped a baton too
SHORT BRIEFS #1
AOB
Only In KenyaWorld domination: T-53
Technorati tags: OlympicsPics from a variety of sources, including Reuters, The Times
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Presidency For Dummies (African Edition) - Scandals
» tHiNkEr'S rOoM Chapter 13: Silence, worth a thousand words
Technorati tags: Africa, Presidency, Corruption, Scandals
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Endless Love
» tHiNkEr'S rOoM
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