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tHiNkEr'S rOoM
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9:09
From: tHiNkEr'S rOoM
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8:54
From: tHiNkEr'S rOoM
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7:12
From: tHiNkEr'S rOoM
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11:36
From: tHiNkEr'S rOoM
Read This Entry & More At tHiNkEr'S rOoM
WARNING: CONTAINS STRONG LANGUAGE
Dear MP,
It is with sadness that I greet you this day. Sadness because you actually got out of the house without being struck by lightning or rear ended by an 18 wheeler. You see, this is because I hate your guts, and indeed every inch of you, from the tips of your pitchfork to the end of your forked tail. Like an unpaid KPLC bill, you give me the urge to put your lights out.
My dearest MP, nothing would give me the greatest pleasure to kick your spine right out the top of your fat head and proceed to beat you with your own backbone, or what little there is of it. I would then like to sprinkle your backbone with chili, salt, vinegar and army ants and stuff it right back, upside down, where it came from.
In case your ant-like attention span is not quite grasping this, given a choice between your presence in the same hemisphere as myself and painting a boat with my tongue, I’d happily paint the entire Pacific Fleet.
Making allowances for the fact that you are not one of nature’s lightning thinkers, let me simplify it by saying I despise you, from the top of your fat head to the soles of your designer gum boots.
Nothing brings out the truth of uncompromising and everlasting mother’s love than the fact that somewhere there is a woman that is proud to be associated with you. I shudder at the thought of carrying you for 9 months. Give me Pharaoh’s 7 years of famine anytime! 9 months of your society is 9 months too many! Shaggy was onto something when he talked about Strength Of A Woman.
We boosted you on your shoulders when you came to campaign as you promised us change and development. Like true men and woman we grinned ghastly grins and tolerated your enormous girth, stretched trousers and suspicious skid-marks. We endured your rich, earthy aroma and your joint saying and spraying as you articulated your vision.
And then you were sworn in and you were gone. From your one roomed hovel you now live in a house that has a jacuzzi, something you seem to think comes from a sewing kit.
When it comes to issues to do with your benefits and welfare your girth can be seen moving horizontally at great speed and wobble towards the debating chamber. I see your fat face on TV explaining why you need to be paid more. However when it is time for our roads, or our fertilizer or our schools, we are assured the grunts and slobbers from the parliamentary cafeteria are from you.
Now that you object to paying taxes like me, let me assure you that nothing would give me greater pleasure to sit you down in a forest, cover your nether regions in ground nuts and leave the squirrels to a treat of Cadbury’s Fruit and Nut. I would also like to anesthetize you, skin you, cover your flesh with curry powder and vinegar, sprinkle some ball bearings and return your skin and wait for the fun and games begin.
How dare you, you greedy bastard, think that you are more equal than me? Do you not realize, you fat fool, that I am taxed all the way to my liver to pay your obscene salary? Listen here, you garden gnome. Do you understand that I pay so much tax that my grandsons are in debt? And you don’t want to pay tax!
I read with amusement that you sit on the defence committee. You poor fool, a cruise missile is just as fast as a regular missile!
And at your stint doing something in the finance ministry, a balanced budget does not mean writing some expenses on pages 1-30 and the rest on pages 31-60!
Hydro-electric dam, for your information, is not a new curse word.
Just last week I was at a function where you were reading something about Open Source. I have no doubt that you think Open Source can be helped by ointment and bandages. Well, let me say this to you:
apt-get down on your knees, gunzip my trousers and gnukiss my ass, you selfish, self righteous, Gadarene swine!
Yours sincerely,
M
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17:50
From: tHiNkEr'S rOoM
Read This Entry & More At tHiNkEr'S rOoM
I highly suspect that at Safaricom decision making is done by Michael Joseph as follows:
- A roulette wheel of ideas, most of which are half baked is prepared
- MJ puts on a blindfold
- MJ is spun around in his chair 15 times by an energetic staff
- Roulette wheel is spun
- Dizzy MJ throws dart at spinning wheel
- Idea struck is implemented
This can be the only explanation for something as doofus as free calls.
FREE CALLS?
Surely you jest!
Is this the same Michael Joseph who complained bitterly about the congestion being caused by Kenyans and their ‘peculiar calling habits’?
How quickly we forget!
Have Kenyans changed overnight? Are different people inhabiting Kenya? Why didn’t I get the memo!
Thanks to the free calls (from 9 to 6) for the last week the Safaricom network, quicker than knickers in the red light district, has been dropping completely.
The most printable of responses from Safaricom customers has been WTF. If Michael Joseph is interested in byte size bites of exactly what people think of Safaricom, he can drop me a line and I will, with the greatest of pleasure, let him know in great detail just what Safaricom is thought of, especially last week.
Safaricom may be known for many things but quality of service is not one of them. When the multitude of customers are not waiting for five loaves and two fish to be disbursed at Customer Care centers with 10+ help desks staffed by two, they are weeping and gnashing their teeth at congested networks.
And they have the temerity to offer FREE CALLS? It’s like George Bush and Lucy Kibaki offering to start a Mensa Chapter. The dang capacity ain’t there!!
And In Other Scandals
If you have not heard of kenyaipos.co.ke, then you probably live under a lichen infested rock.
When the site was launched, an initiative of Citi Group, offering Kenyans the ability to apply for shares online, like sheep we clicked the register button and proceeded to send all our personal details and share applications into the digital ether.
If you sought to read the small print you would have come away unimpressed. Nowhere was it explicitly stated what your information was used for, where it was stored and what rights you had with regards to your information.
What it did say, however, was that Citi group and all of its affiliates and partners could access and use it.
And before you ask, no, nowhere were these affiliates and partners listed.
Now, late last week someone discovered that with judicious manipulation of the URL you could pretty much view anyone else’s share applications and personal details.
Let me put that a little differently.
If you applied for your safaricom shares online anyone and I do mean anyone could have seen your personal details.
Any yahoo could have seen your phone numbers and email addresses, details of your applications and God knows what else.
In a show of the crass ineptitude that I’ve come to expect from Big Business in Kenya, the people behind kenyaipos.co.ke have simply taken the site down. There is nothing at the URL anymore.
This has the stink of a cover up.
A cover up that I am afraid will not be possible. We know about this lapse. And what’s more a few screen captures demonstrating the flaw can be tabled (suitably obfuscated of course).
In short, answers, and a full disclosure, and an apology are expected in very short order from:
Resist the temptation to cover this up. I know, I know it’s tempting. But Kenyans put their faith in many institutions and they deserve a least one of them not to make a mockery of their faith and their intelligence!
I will keep an eye on the papers and the institutional websites and hope you do the right thing.
Additional information? Threats? Drop me a line.
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12:17
From: tHiNkEr'S rOoM
Read This Entry & More At tHiNkEr'S rOoM
So this past weekend, the missus moved house. Aside from lacking a swing inside, the new digs is fantastic, up to and including the huge window on one wall of the living room that overlooks a garden. While no one was looking I secretly did a cartwheel to measure the living room. The exact measurements using this metric are a trade secret I shall take to my grave. Suffice it to say they are the exact dimensions necessary for us to unfold our master plan of world domination by producing sleepers that will be introduced into key sectors of industry ready for activation by us at a moment’s notice.
This is the point at which evil laughter should be introduced.
I am of the opinion of hedging our bets my producing as many troops as possible, but my co-conspirator will have none of that, seeing that she is in fully charge of the production process. I am pushing keenly for at least 5 sleepers, to infiltrate the finance, manufacturing, ICT, government and hospitality.
But I digress.
As with all things the move was replete with lessons
- The female of the species, like iron filings to magnet, collects shoes at a prolific rate
- While planning construction (or purchase of a new house) right after bathroom and kitchen, make allowances for a room for shoes (not yours, of course)
- Shoes are heavy. Especially when transported together. Especially when carried up 3 flights of steps. Especially if due to a communications breakdown it is the wrong 3 flights
- The possessions of the female of the species follow closely the handbag rule. What is the handbag rule? The volume of materials inside the female handbag is inversely proportional to the internal volume of the handbag itself. The same applies to the contents of the flat and the flat
- Cushions are bigger than their respective covers
- It does not matter how thoroughly you measure curtains before purchase. They will always mysteriously shrink en route
But at the end of it all everything was unpacked, the broken dishes tossed out on their ears and Phase I of the master plan is nearing completion.
Here’s to many more milestones my dearest. Many many more! 
Light It Up
Roberta is sans insurance, and knowing full well that these are just the circumstances God chooses to exercise his excellent sense of humour, I decided not to chance driving. I would not put it past the man upstairs to have me involved in a menage a trois with a S Class and a VW Touareg that will force me to sell my car and sell my self and my immediate future family to pay for my sin.
But with Angels and whatnots to entertain, God makes excellent use of what appears at first sight to be limited material.
Which is why as I was proceeding to work, minding my own business, the matatu I was in caught fire. Not much of a build up I know, but one minute am fiddling with my phone and the next minute I look up to a classic Babel. The interior of the matatu is full of smoke and with amazing dexterity the tout has effected an exit through the open window.
Why he has departed we are not exactly sure. Until a tongue of flame appears amid the smoke.
Now in most buildings there is some sort of plaque the says things like
“Do not panic. In an orderly fashion proceed to the nearest exit
and assemble at the designated collection point”
What happens in reality my friends is nothing short of the opposite. There is no orderly quiet movement. You can practically hear the audio soundtrack to the situation.There is acrobatic and energetic motion of the human body from all the players. A large woman of motor boat like proportions will attempt to exit the vehicle head first at the same time a large man of Maruti like proportions is attempting to exit the same vehicle from the same window foot first. Where the sum of the parts is larger than the whole of the window, things grind to a halt. There are then shouted instructions to move mammaries and backsides out of the way.
I would have stayed for more entertainment but the thought of a vehicle on fire while my person and future lineage are still within is one that prompts action. A slid open window and a dive and roll through the window are but a moment’s work.
AOB
Airport Official: First name?
Passenger: Batman
Airport Official: What?
Passenger: Batman
Airport Official: (Holding Head) Your first name is Batman
Passenger: Yes
Airport Official: Spelling?
Passenger: Just like it sounds. Batman
Airport Official: Right. And your surname?
Passenger: Superman
Airport Official: Right, that does it! Security!
Mariah Carey
I cannot off the top of my head remember a song I despised as much as Touch My body. I cannot put in words just how much I can’t stand it. Please for the love of Humanity can someone please touch Mariah Carey’s body? Preferably with Anthrax?
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4:01
From: tHiNkEr'S rOoM
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6:12
From: tHiNkEr'S rOoM
Read This Entry & More At tHiNkEr'S rOoM
My struggle to be”significant and articulate” continues.
Paying Tax
My sympathies are with Mr. Wesley Snipes. After spending the better part of 3 years trying to keep the taxman off his assets he will be spending the next three trying to keep the ax man off his ass. Now let’s see if just like every other rich white celebrity, he’ll be on his merry way after a couple of days after a slap on the wrist. Somehow … I don’t think so. Blade will now have mundane things like dropped soap becoming a lot less mundane.
Merus Hoyee
Looks like Kiraitu Murungi and the Njuri Ncheke must be doing something right for the Meru Community. I was amazed to see this ad on my gmail
My Man Wally
I don’t read Dilbert for Dilbert. Wally is just the guy!
The Age Of Innocence
30 years ago this comic panel would not have raised any eyebrows
Barber Shop
I earlier today cut my hair. This may seem fairly mundane to you but it is a big deal to me because the last time I cut my hair was two presidents and a prime minister, one decade and 3 elections ago, in the last millennium. Yes sir, I last sat in a barber’s seat in 1997. Vox populi has been split between disbelief and mirth, weighted heavily in the direction of the latter. I must confess since the haircut to feeling a tad lethargic.
Fuel
I’m thinking of getting a nice 21 speed mountain bike. This is Kenol Koinange Street. Kenol, BTW, consistently have the highest fuel prices in Nairobi, the greedy doofi. Only gunpoint can inspire me to fuel at a Kenol/Kobil
Bummer
Like Midnight Mugithi I find the Hummer a particularly ugly monstrosity that only a mother could love. The other day I found myself driving behind one of those eyesores. The reaction from folks can only be accurately described in film
Driving
I came across this driving school the other day while en route to visit the missus. So fascinated was I by the sign I clean missed the turnoff. It certainly looks like an interesting establishment. If only MPs would pay a visit!
Groan Of The Day
Religious women have no business making coffee. The bible clearly says Hebrews.
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10:24
From: tHiNkEr'S rOoM
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2:09
From: tHiNkEr'S rOoM
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2:30
From: tHiNkEr'S rOoM
Read This Entry & More At tHiNkEr'S rOoM
I have in the past expressed my concerns about the mainstream media, specifically the newspapers. When they are not sensationalizing trivial issues like what the Speaker’s Wife was wearing during a national crisis rather than focusing on real issues, many reporters betray a lethargy that verges on the comical.
Today for instance I have received a number of text messages informing me that I am in today’s standard. Many of them addressed me as Mwangi.
With some resignation I secured a Standard to find out what had been said about me and why I was being referred to as Mwangi.
Here’s the bit about me:
Mwangi of Thinker’s Room sympathized with “genuine” ODM supporters who seem to be watching their hero betray them”
The facts are as follows:
1) The Mwangi quoted there is not in fact myself. It is a comment that was left by a reader.
2) I am not, have not, and do not intend to be called Mwangi.
3) The reporter would do well next time to differentiate the sentiments of the blogger from those of the commenters. There is, you know, a difference. Now I am waiting for a deluge of threats and outrage from PNU yahoos who will finally feel that I have been exposed as an undercover ODM sympathizer (which I am not). I choose to attribute the failure to make the distinction (despite the fact that the quotes above and below mine were from the actual bloggers) to lethargy rather than a deliberate misstatement.
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5:02
From: tHiNkEr'S rOoM
Read This Entry & More At tHiNkEr'S rOoM
What I think of our two Ali Babas and their newly unveiled list of 40 thieves is best left for another day.
Kibaki & Raila: Soulja Boy Off In this …
Kalonzo & Mudavadi: Oh!
Kibaki & Raila: Watch me Lean And Watch Me …
Kalonzo & Mudavadi: Rock!
All together: Super Man Dat Oh!
Pic from East African Standard
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14:45
From: tHiNkEr'S rOoM
Read This Entry & More At tHiNkEr'S rOoM
After the storm
came the calm.
After the rain
came the shine.
After the night
came the day.
After the thunder
came the quiet.
I rose this morning,
still recalling.
And felt the sun
and its soothing calm.
I opened the door,
and saw no more,
the gloomy sky
or the reason why.
My soul will soar,
and ache no more.
Into the new day
together we sail
Our hands together,
we will forever…
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2:30
From: tHiNkEr'S rOoM
Read This Entry & More At tHiNkEr'S rOoM
The gaffes I make,
the faltered steps,
the misses.
The wounds I caused,
the gloom I wrought,
the misses.
The tears I brought,
the sadness on,
the misses.
Poor choices made,
bad paths taken,
the misses.
Missteps taken,
bridges broken,
the misses.
Now my ship has sailed,
and I remain
in pieces …
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© M :: tHiNkEr'S rOoM, 2008.
Comment On The Misses …
Category: Politics, Reflections.
   
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10:26
From: tHiNkEr'S rOoM
Read This Entry & More At tHiNkEr'S rOoM
Breaking news from the Government Spokesman
Row, row, row your boat,
gently down the stream,
merrily merrily merrily merrily
Ah … Alfred …
Sorry, sorry.
Good morning, good morning, good morning. Greetings and salutations. Walapa, walapangaz and wasadily. What’s popping. What’s cooking. What’s crackalacking. Wazzup! For those who many not know me, my name is Alfred ‘Gummi Bear’ Mutua.
I am here to announce that there is white smoke! We have a cabinet!
Principals
- President and Head Of State: Emilio ‘Shakespeare’ Kibaki
- Vice President & Leader Of Government Business: Stephen ‘Iscariot’ Kalozo
- Prime Minister: Raila ‘Grab Yer Ankles’ Odinga
- Attorney General: Amos ‘Smilin’ Wako
- Attorney Sergeant: To be announced
- Attorney Major: To be Announced
- Attorney Corporal: To Be Announced
- Plain Old Attorney: To be Announced
- Deputy Prime Minister: Martha ‘Darth Vader’ Karua
- Deputy Prime Minister: Musalia ‘Stranger In The Night’ Mudavadi
- Deputy Deputy Prime Minister: Kiraitu ‘Harvey Dent’ Murungi
- Deputy Deputy Prime Minister: Charity ‘Just Bring It’ Ngilu
- Under Deputy Deputy Prime Minister: Sam ‘Droopy’ Ongeri
- Under Deputy Deputy Prime Minister: William ‘Tear Gas’ Ruto
- Optimus Prime: To Be Announced
- Secretary To The Cabinet: Francis ‘Dexter’ Muthaura
- Tea Girl To The Cabinet: To be Announced
- Tea Boy To The Cabinet: To be Announced
MINISTRIES
- Mental Health: Lucy Kibaki
- Internal Security: George ‘Dance 360′ Saitoti
- External Security: Joseph ‘Shut yo’ mouth’ Nkaiserry
- Borderline Security: Bonny ”Isikuti’ Khalwale
- Defence: To Be Announced
- Livestock (Water based): Mwangi ‘Tisha’ Kiunjuri
- Livestock (Less than 4 Legs): Bifwoli ‘Tiktater’ Wakoli
- Livestock (4 or more legs): Franklin ‘ Comeback Kid’ Bett
- Livestock (Rodents): Robinson ‘Rat Catcher’ Githae
- Livestock (No Legs): Stanley ‘Methuselah’ Githunguri
- Fisheries (In Lakes): Fred ‘Australopithecus Africanus’ Gumo
- Fisheries (In Oceans): Cyrus ‘5 Sock’ Jirongo
- Foreign Affairs (Within Africa): Najib ‘Scimitar’ Balala
- Foreign Affairs (Outside Africa): Moses ‘Look At My New Glasses’ Wetangula
- Labour (Industrial): Ali ‘Petition’ Joho
- Labour (Domestic): Lina ‘Look At Meee!’ Kilimo
- Private Transport: To Be Announced
- Public Transport: To Be Announced
- Ministry Of Transport By Foot & Bicycle: Chirau ‘Koinange’ Mwakwere
- Ministry Of Justice: Mutula ‘Quisling’ Kilonzo
- Ministry Of Constitutional Affairs: Otieno ‘Ha ha!’ Kajwang
- Ministry of Entertainment: Musikari ‘Piriton’ Kombo
OTHER MINISTRIES
- Ministry of Ministries
- Ministry of Assistant Ministries
- Ministry
- Ministry Of Water
- Ministry of H20
- Ministry of Rice & Plants We Can’t Classify
- Ministry of Skumawiki & Green Vegetables
- Ministry of Cabbage & Non Green Vegetables
- Ministry of East Africa
- Ministry of South Africa
- Ministry of West Africa
- Ministry of South Africa
- Ministry of Mauritius & Other Islands We Can’t Place
- Ministry of Sports With Balls
- Ministry of Sports With Sticks
- Ministry of Golf, Hockey & Sports With Balls & Sticks
- Ministry of Sports With Neither Balls Nor Sticks
- Ministry of Roads
- Ministry of Streets
- Ministry of Lanes & Footpaths
- Backup Ministry
- Ministry of Youth
- Ministry of Children
- Ministry of Toddlers
- Ministry of Women
- Ministry of Men
- Ministry of Transgenders & The Otherwise Unsure
- Ministry of Culture
- Ministry of Music
- Ministry of Arts
- Ministry of Crafts
- Ministry of Trade
- Ministry of Industry
- Ministry of Commerce
- Ministry of Jobbo
- Ministry of Housing
- Ministry of Human Settlement
- Ministerial Ministry
- Ministry of Diamond Production
- Ministry of Oil Production
- Ministry of Tanzanite Production
- Ministry of Winter Sports & Athletics
- Ministry of Koalas, Tigers & Endgangered Species
- Ministry of Ministry Creation
- Ministry of Special Projects
- Ministry of Plain Old Projects
- Ministry of Miscellaneous Projects
- Ministry of Lands
- Ministry of Skies
- Ministry of Sun, Moon & Stars
I am pleased to observe that each of the 90 ministries shall have 2 Assistantt Ministes so Kenyans can be assured that work will be done.
Warm Regards
Alfred Mutua
Government Spokesman
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8:02
From: tHiNkEr'S rOoM
Read This Entry & More At tHiNkEr'S rOoM
Prousette found something interesting in this weekend’s paper
Few are unfamiliar with the Fair and Lovely brand. Fewer still would be unfamiliar with their ad.
This features an unfortunate maiden, handicapped not by education, brains, wit, binocular vision or bipedal motion, but by the curse of skin that is a rich ebony. This chocolatey skin serves her during job interviews the same way a dangling rat’s tail from the side of her mouth would. She is dismissed with nary a cursory glance by the interviewers upon ascertaining she is not the complexion of the average foolscap.
On the dating scene matters are just as grim. Tall dark and handsome strangers pass her in the street as if she was simultaneously suffering from leprosy and gangrene.
Until of course an ever helpful friend gushingly tells her of a new product … Fair and Lovely.
Within weeks (says the ad, accompanied by time delay photos) our maiden’s face and hands become lighter and lighter. I assume the rest of her becomes lighter as well. We can’t have the mask and glove effect, can we?
It is only with her light skin that she is able to wow interviewers with her charm, intelligence and natural wit. A leering doofus in the next cubicle leers some more. On her way out suitors at attention line up.
Ah, what magic a little cream can do!
It would seem that men are laboring under similar yokes. They fail to get jobs, attention, dates because of their unnaturally rich chocolatey skin. This is a theorem I welcome with open arms as I find it fully consistent with my self esteem issues.
Good news my fellow brethren! Fair and Handsome is here.
Apparently men’s skin needs to be fair because it is
- 3 times more exposed to the sun
- 5 times more exposed to pollution
- 2 times more exposed to stress factories
Let me start you off with the opening lines
Emami, in collaboration with Activor Corp, USA, herbalists and dermatologists from India has created a unique fairness cream for Men with a breakthrough Five Power Fairness System to make skin fair and handsome in 4 weeks. It also helps in relieving stress and fatigue signs - gives men’s tough skin a firmer look. Emami Fair And Handsome World’s No.1 fairness cream protects men’s face from sun’s UV Rays.
Right on!
For more fun get there and enjoy.
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5:28
From: tHiNkEr'S rOoM
Read This Entry & More At tHiNkEr'S rOoM
You can’t make this stuff up
A German retiree is taking a hospital to court after she went in for a leg operation and got a new anus instead, the Daily Telegraph is reporting.
The woman woke up to find she had been mixed up with another patient suffering from incontinence who was to have surgery on her sphincter.
[Complete story here]
I imagine, when asked about the matter, a senior hospital administrator offered the following apt response: “I’ll look into it.”
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9:57
From: tHiNkEr'S rOoM
Read This Entry & More At tHiNkEr'S rOoM
Nothing like some pillow talk to bring some pep into a relationship!
She then hit me with a confession that would both thrill and confuse me. She explained that in the months that I had been away in Iraq her role within the AUC had changed; she had joined the urban militia and become an assassin. Her job was now to eliminate informers and traitors. So far, she told me, she had killed at least 10 people in the area. I lit a cigarette and inhaled deeply, Marylin looked at me through the smoke as I exhaled, waiting to see how I would respond to what she had just told me.
PIC OF THE DAY
Lucy seems different today … funny, I never noticed that moustache — Bloody hell! I left the toilet seat up!
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10:15
From: tHiNkEr'S rOoM
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3:10
From: tHiNkEr'S rOoM
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7:01
From: tHiNkEr'S rOoM
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Some time ago I penned a passionate appeal to my fellow brothers about the usage of the throne room. And you, of course, disregarded every word I said!
On retrospect perhaps I wouldn’t mind having daughters instead of sons. The associated hardware and utilities required in raising a girl (shotgun, pistol & associated firearms, machetes and whips for errant boys) are a small price to pay for having lovely, gentle and well mannered girls in the house instead of shouting, rowdy and disgusting small boys whooping and leaving muddy prints everywhere.
Take for example last week. I was a | |
