Of late i've been unhappy, totally smiling is a conscious effort, i've stopped saying what I feel coz what the heck it doesn't matter atleast not to e why should it matter to anyone else. I find myself doing stuff I wouldn't normally do almost like i'm trying to validate my existence. I can't put a finger on the cause, because it's hidden somewhere i'm scared to venture into and dig it out so instead I blame it on the closest thing. For instance the salt shaker was left open so when I tried to salt my eggs copious amounts poured out. I flung it, parts of it hit the wall the other part went out of the window. The problem here is I was a thrower of objects in anger but I got over it sometime in high school, now I fid that i'm doing it increasingly often when i'm alone. These days when something/someone annoys me which is more often than not I let it be, sort it out myself and move on or just drop them out of my life problem is I now find that I hate almost everyone. Back to the deep sadness i've been feeling of late almost like someone died. I don't know what to do only i'd like for it to end and soon. I'd ike to feel warmth in my heart once again, i hardly enjoy anything I used to. I'm lonely most of the time. but when I write i'm happy, thats the only time I get out of my existence and i'm happy, then I'm God I control everything, the weather/time etc. but then i get back to rea;ity, the loneliness/pain/emptiness is all back. The only light is that I'm certain this too shall pass
