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KenyanMusings

March 12, 2008
17:15
Tag numero 1000000000001
From: KenyanMusings

Tags: tags

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Its been hectic for some of us. Happy new year people, big up (tihi, always wanted to say that in a very John Karani reading lyrics on KBC SNS “last night, I was inside of you…Last night I was inside of you"- kinda way. Sorry, I’m not gutterized, its just that is my clearest memory of him to date) to all Kenyans for embracing the path to Peace, hope springs eternal. Can we get some work done already!

Archer tagged me.

Random facts about me....Here goes;
1.
I am actually very good friends with a few bloggers. Not in the retarded ‘wont be friends with East-siders cos I’m a West-sider’ - kinda blog way. Again, I repeat..it IS retarded. Just people I know as fabulous human beings, as who they are, as who they hope to be…. through my eyes. I talk to them about life away from blogs, every once in a while and they may not be your usual ‘come over for tiramisu & J&B, and let’s smoke a joint and bug out’ kinda of friends’ but they are considered friends. Its not too long a list, but it has Mutumia, Mental, M and Archer and a few others in it. The best part is Mental does have to be hugging M and Archer etc but yes, they are all my friends and I like being in a place where I decide who can be my friend because I like and admire who they are…perfections, flaws and all. I am not the kind of person to be told how to live my life. These are people who stop and listen when I have a crisis or I when they do, who will go out of their way to wish me a good day, do things that friends do for friends.....is good enuff.
2.

I really can’t stand it. That thing that women do of wearing a bra with these "plastic-translucent see through straps" and think they can get away with wearing a bare back/off shoulder top. Er, there is such a thing as a STRAPLESS bra! Alternatively, if gravity has not taken its toll, go without a bra but please lose the tacky plastic.

3.

I am addicted to acrylic nails in a very 'I forgot what my real nails look like' way. Also, on the upside…. They don’t ‘scratch’. I'm also addicted to Mojitos at Mercury.

4.

I am psychotic. Sometimes. And I have this very dirty habit of telling Mr. KM that “I’m suing you for half your shit” when we fight. Do not even ask, it stupefies him every time, I dunno where it comes from I swurr. Him: “don’t you have to be my wife to do that?”
Me: No! The law is on my side….
Sigh, I know, I know.
I also tossed his X-box against the wall when he was busy biting off a fire harpy’s head as I groveled for attention. He had said we are leaving in 30minutes. 1 hour later alternative sources of amusement were non-starters and the damn X-box had to go. So, we ended at “you know what, I don’t even feel like having a meal with you right now” Er who cares for dinner when the good news is ....the.damn.gadget.is.gone.for.now!
5.

I love taking baths and showers. I shower twice a day..I can't sleep without it. My evening shower last no less than 30 minutes. Lavender and vanilla….hmmmmm. Its me time. I need an hour and a half’s notice before I get ready. I’m a girl….girls rule, boys drool. Deal with it. And yes, I still shower after a night out. 4 o'clock in the morning I'm staggering around and across the bathroom taking a shower. I think that's dangerous.

6.

I have grown up. The past year or so, I have grown up. Life, career, love, friendships. I have grown up. I have grown up, I have loved and been loved by a fabulously wonderful, funny, kind, sexy, hot…. I am completely never getting over how bloody hot I think he is and his lips and hands were made for me. I lust after him like whoa, I could walk into the club, see him making small talk with his boys with his hand in his pocket and a drink in the other and I walk over, sniff him and we erm, “go help me find my phone, I think it fell in the car”. I like the way his hand is so big and it covers my little one kabisa and the way he says ‘hmm’ and they way he holds the small of my back and the way he loves me and makes me so happy and says I’m the most difficult combination to find and god, he’s so dark and clean shaven, I could just stare at him all fucking day! His heart was made for me, he says things I would so say and finds the joke that I would find in an ordinary sentence. I can think of a million (no pun) reasons I would still date him if all he had was a shirt on his glorious broad, black back. And yes, I‘d let him play with the Xbox all Sunday as long as I get to sit next to him and hear him breath. He is my greatest friend and I love him more than all the grains of sand in the ocean. I just love him love him love him.

That done.... I'm tagging

Mutumia,
Mental,
M
KP
Medusa
MsK
Shi
October 30, 2007
17:37
Love Like This
From: KenyanMusings

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I cannot get this song off repeat..*groan* I have failed mankind.

I am also requesting for it at all gigs and clubs and insisting for dances and chanting along to "oooh oooh".
The beat tight, the words so right....resistance is futile. I'll just live it out.

Love Like This -Natasha Bedingfield
October 19, 2007
16:08
Today I will........
From: KenyanMusings

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I am stressed!

I fully intend to, in this order;

Drink 4 of these

Drink 2 of these...... I'm not that much of a hedonist

Make out and get laid in the car, in the parking lot or I could sit strategically on him in the club......either way, somehow, I will get laid for sure, and not in my or his house. There has to be an element of danger involved.

That or I am smoking ganja today, even I have no clue where to get it, so, nikipata, nitakuambia....This stress is too much!
September 17, 2007
17:50
Giffen Goods and Prison Break yaay!!!!!
From: KenyanMusings

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There are things guaranteed to effortlessly give me a nervous breakdown. One of them is the inability to find information when I need it.

I traveled over the weekend……for peace, rest and relaxation, sand, sex, massage, cocktails and lots of laughter at my secret place which as you guessed, I’m not telling. **sighs** And I’m going back again in a month…its soooo addictive!!!…..I tried snorkeling again, this is the nth time, and even with someone holding my hand, I still hyperventilate at how ewwwww underwater is. Me I like pools, with cement floors. And I have these visions of jaws and green thingumajigs taking over my body, or those multicolored fish , mutants with arms and stuuuufffff, YUCK, will, erm, start speaking to me like “go tell my cousin Martin I forgive him”. Aiii, now who will spend the rest of her life looking for a Martin? “Martin unajua ule samaki anaishi huko kwa maji?” Alaaa!

Well, I brought a book to read. …Ideally, I should have brought something fun, then again who is to say what fun is, to read, but, I, KM, brought an Economics book. Why I am reading an economics book? I don’t know why. I get these flashes of "I'm not sure if I can call it brilliance, but its most definitely an inquenchable thirst for general knowledge" where I feel I have no clue about a topic, or something will piqué my interest and I’ll pick up a book just to ‘know’.
Plus, I’ll be lying….me, I love reading. The economics book, is not punishment.
Like you know how sometimes you will see a documentary about rock formations and you really want to read about rocks and rivers and yes, despite the fact that you dropped Geography in 2nd form, primarily because you did not have notes on Rivers, only like 2 * 120page books of notes……you find a book on rocks formations and rivers and read it till you drop.
Or you have a discussion on religion and you want to read more about it, or art, or music, or a certain animal, or my personal favorite….medicine. I read about illnesses, symptoms, how to treat them…..I really really wish I was a pediatrician. I love that. I love reading about random stuff like that. Its such fun!

***shivers with excitement** Are you with me? Are you feeling me? Don’t you ever get that feeling like, you are running out of time and you haven’t read all the books in the universe?
Oh, and I got this huge asss book on law cases. Its soooo interesting. I had a uhhhhh, a Legal aspects of "insert profession" classes, and the cases were fiun, so I got this book with stories and stories of law precedents.....Oh, Bliss. We all know "Wambui Otieno vs Umira Kager clan", Balfour Vs Balfour", "Carlill Vs Carbolic smoke ball company" but good lord, this is like the real ish, "Eccles Vs Bryant" Non- es -factum, caveat emptor, Res sua...coool! dude man! I shoulda been a lawyer!

So, we are chilling right, I’m reading my big ass Econ book full of knowledge, which will all go to my head, double cool, then boom, right there, in my face is the word….wait for it “Giffen good”. Shoooot! 2 things crossed my mind “Dear lord, I will cry because I can’t quite remember what this word is!!”. Who the hell just throws in the word ‘giffen’ in there without a glossary, a footnote, an explanation, anything…nothing!!!!Daaamn!!

I have a photographic memory. I remember my first economics text book. I remember how the first pages looked like, I remember my Economics Lecturer writing “the snob effect” on the board, before Kevin, (Kevin where are you? stand up and say hi to the people please…..) the guy in the second row shot me a glance a la “the KM effect”, which is totally not fair because, I’m a not a lot of things, but …okay, wth, lets move on……. To the lecturer... his handwriting, I remember words like “veblen” and giffen” were in italics….and I remember damn well what Veblen goods were because at that time a ‘mercedes’ according to my lecturer was a veblen good. Well, each to their own. I also remember “ostentatious goods” was another word for veblen goods.
I loved economics then…..only for the next 10 pages until everything shot to shit, and the pleasure of demand and supply was replaced by crazy ass looking graphs and functions….ughhhhh! One minute I was happy, at opportunity cost (that was on page 2 of the book) dd curves, ss curves, elasticity, equilibrium,and right after we got into utility, Marginal Propensities..to save, to consume.
Then there came, too much for my fun-loving brain..... something called IS/LM Models……Hell! I switched off. I was down for all that exciting stuff, and you have to agree, basic Economics is a lot of fun!!! Soon after, I was not attending classes, I was selling juice and going clubbing, and all I knew is Macroecon sucks ass! Infalation…the leading culprit in suckage….**shivers**.

Unfortunately, and my heart was breaking at this, I could not remember what the hell a giffen good was. What made it a giffen good…… I know, bread was a giffen good, but there was something I was looking for , an explanation that I could not remember and I was dying inside.

So I started panicking, needing a dictionary, needing to google it, Oh god I was in hell. So I ask the chap…..”how do you define a giffen good?” He looked at me, said he does not know, he is not an economist... Oh god I'm marrying an idiot!
And tricked me into digressing into something else with him, again, after saying “how come you get to study and I’m not allowed to?” Well maybe you should study Mr. dunno what a giffen good is!!!
I am not studying, I’m reading a book!

The general agreement with the chap is that no one should bring lap tops, gadgets etc to the R&R because, its 2 days, for two days, the world can wait, and I hate it when sometimes in the middle of a break he will wait until I’m asleep then start working!!! While me I want him to stay in bed we cuddle, catch strokes and he beats me storos and we order room service, and I jump jump on the bed, and then we shag, we sleep, we go walk, have masssages, we go eat, maaannn!!! Usually, he drugs me (makes me drink too much) pretends to listen as I prattle on, I sleep, he starts working. So, no gadgets. I could therefore not google it!!! Later, I tried going online on phone…no luck.

I called asking for a dictionary…..mwehheh “A what Miss KM?” “An English Dictionary”. Why don’t they keep dictionaries with the towels, which I did not have the strength to steal this time. I have too many towels now. Nice huuge, soft spanking cuddly white and maroon ones, some with bold logos.
Them and their little babies. I steal them in sets, 2 big ones and two hand towels. Mwehehhee, you'd think I feel any remorse......Instead, I’m thinking of starting to steal other things now…..like the feather pillows…..***luuuusshhhh*** What the heck, kick kleptomaniacy up a notch. Maybe, and I'm just mulling this over, not decideed yet.....Maybe. I'll see about the logistics. Yaani its soo bad, and the chap is in on it, cos when we are leaving he goes "are you taking the towels?" Then I'll go like, "ah, no, these ones are not new".

Shoot! Thats how Matheri et friends converse, seriously, like the other day I got this weird caller going "leta zile bunduki kawangware twende job" (Brings the guns!!) I promise to you, he said that!!!
Sheesh, who even uses the word 'Bunduki' now? Shouldn't thugs have like a cool cryptic word like "Mtoo' or "cargo" for that?! Its like saying Vagina.....Punani, hello?! Vagina is soooo.. "body organ" not source of pleasure!
I was so spooked! especially, because they (the thugs) will trace me so I dont sell 'em out, or when it shoots to shit, Safaricom might trace the call to me, and then I was worried that someone was going to maybe be robbed!! yikes!

So, me, and my “O god what is a giffen good now?!”I was traumatized! I went clubbing later, and I was still, get that, thinking about it. Daaammmmnnnn, giffen good!!!
So, I got home last evening, and went straight to google. Ohhhh the wealth of information there is. …..So, finally;

“Definition: A Giffen Good is a good that experiences increased demand for when the price rises and decreased demand for when the price falls”.

I mean, duuude, I was here and I was clicking and clicking on those links and reading about all that random stuff. It fels sooo damn good! And the thing I was trying to remember, how bread is a Giffen good, because it violates the basic laws of demand and supply……As Mr. Giffen has pointed out, a rise in the price of bread makes so large a drain on the resources of the poorer labouring families and raises so much the marginal utility of money to them, that they are forced to curtail their consumption of meat and the more expensive farinaceous foods: and, bread being still the cheapest food which they can get and will take, they consume more, and not less of it”

***breathes a sigh of relief*** Ah! There it is!Just like Mr ‘dunnowhatwashisnameheflunkedmeanyway said it.

Theeen, si season 3 of prison break! I watched the preview last night...what the hell is with that SONA place? I don't think I'll keep up with such violence me.
Dude, I hated Bellick but, woiyeeeeee. .
September 06, 2007
18:20
The ENGLISH PATIENT
From: KenyanMusings

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**Breathes in, breathes out** I need to get this outta my system.

So, yesterday was the chap’s birthday.
He hates birthdays, and all celebrations centred around him etc. Now meeee, being the nice girlfriend, I decide to throw him a treat before his party on Sato which is happening whether he wants it or not. The treat? Me!!!

I weighed all my options, and long after I had eliminated jumping out of a lifesize cake with poms poms and kicking my feet all over, clumsily so, dare I add, and doing the “give me an S- give me a W-, give me an E-…. Goooooo Sweetie!!”, I settled for dinner and a vision of me in lingerie.
For real, I mean that would be a refreshing change from my standard gear. Scorching Yellow Tshirt, with holes on the saggy neckline boldly emblazoned “Pamoja tuangamize Ukimwi” .
That by all means, is a mood Killa! Not so much the colour, the huuuuge fit, but by the time you get past the Abstain, Be faithful, Use a Condom flashing neon warning, you might to wrap somene in cellophane just because they are male and you are female/ or bothe of you are male. Or both of you are female.....you gerrit.
Then again, when we say jumping out of cake, where will my ass which is unrelenting in its outward protrusion going to be stashed? Too messy.

So, I had a plan;

-leave work early
-yoga class
-make dinner
-Pick dude up
-show him good time

I have to tell you, my Yoga instructor is this tiny, little lady who looks like she is going to eat me. I’m making, (rather more trying and erring) a perfect circle and ‘feeling the anger leave me” and she keeps staring at my errant behind like a piece of steak.
Of course she wants to eat me. One side of my ass could feed here and her 'little people' family for months!! All I’m saying…don’t marinate me in honey. I’m allergic.
Dinner was going to be Ugali, perfectly marinated (not in honey) beef, a nice salad, a good bottle of wine….

So I get home, my ass intact, No, she did not eat me, she is fattening me up…I take about an hour to cook and get ready. The ugali, I was going to cook when I got back so it does not get cold.
Then, I dash out to pick him up. He went to the coast in the morning, he is coming back in the evening.
He does.
Buuut! I noticed as he approached me…the man is sweating like a wild hog!!!! Ngutness.

Now, me, the thought crossed my mind to ignore the fact that he looks not so good, assume he is hyperventilating, I mean, lets face it, he’s 34, his life is over, then proceed with my plan undeterred.
So, I hug him, do my happy birythday thing. “yaay! Happy Birthaday!.
His response was well….out of the norm.

CHAP: “KM, I’m dying”

LOOOOL. Okay, not a good way to start the birthday is it?

KM: what’s wrong?

CHAP: I’m dying. I feel so sick.

KM: If you are doing this to get out of your birthday, that’s really lame, I haven’t planned anything.

CHAP: KM, I’m dying, I need to lie down”

Soooo, my sweaty sweetie decides ok, maybe if he chatters (is that the word?) his teeth, I’ll get the gravity of it.
Which he does, which I chose to not acknowledge primarily because, this is the one time I am seeing him this unwell and I’m racking my brain for what to do. Usually, he will drink water to cure headaches, a shot of tequila for a cold etc. And also because what would I say
Dude? Are your teeth chattering? . How ingenous!

Eventually, I toss my shawl around him, which he wraps around his diseased self…but the teeth gnashing/chattering soldiers on.

All this time, pardon my vanity, I’m thinking “shoot! I should have made this beef on Sunday". Ala! It’s a waste.

So I sit next to him and ask

KM: How are you feeling?
Chap: **groaan** I’m sick. Turn on the AC, are you not feeling cold? Do you think I’ll die?

(I know, from my little knowledge, that sometimes rhetorical questions like these are a plea for re-assurance. I don’t give that, I go for the jugular)

KM: Of course you are going to die. OMG, is that blood oozing form your ears?

**he shoots me a I cant believe you are joking about this look**

All my feeble attempts to cheer him up were well…feeble.

KM: How are you feeling?

CHAP: Like I will die

KM: As in exactly how?

CHAP: ***grooooaaan** What do you mean how? I dunno. I have never died before!

(LOL, he is sick, and funny...what a keeper)

I turn up the music a little bit

CHAP: **Reaches out and puts it down to a whisper** KM my head is aching!

(And cranky too)

THIS IS GOING TO BE A LONG EVENING

SO I do the logical thing. Take him to hospital.

I do not consult him because he wil say "NO, I’ll be fine, I just need a nap".

Here’s the thing with chaps. When they are ill, they will crawl into bed, REFUSE TO TAKE MEDICINE and claim over n over that their life is over. Women? We will cook, clean and find your other sock while the other hand is cutting the umbilical chord.

At the hospital…..(He did not object to it when he found out about the detour).
You should have seen how he crawled into the doctors room! Some chaps really thrive on exaggeration.

Halafu I could have sworn he was scribbling down a will while we waited. Leaving me nothing! Thats for sure considering “she does not believe I’m dying. Why is she so calm? Or did she poison me?” even after I have exemplified awesomeness all these years!
Like seriously, Winnie Mandela? 27 years, Go figure.
So she assaulted, murdered, kidnapped, pilfered, was professionally incompetent and then there was the serial infidelity. Surely 27 years! Should that not be atonement?
Mandiba, Baba, I love you, applaud you and admire you. You know how people hyperventilate at the “if you had to ask Mandela 1 question what would it be?" And they are coming up with huge words like ‘detractors’, humanity, patriotism, bla…me, simple “Daddi, ala! What went down with you and Winnie?”

Anwyay, back home in Nairobi, A teeth chattering-shivering boyfriend was with the doctor.
He comes back with this chit, lab test, I mean, he is just going, in the most pitiful way that “he told me to wait for the results”
So I look at him like he who?
He gives me a “he the doctor, my friend, the one who will save my life not you who does not care”
Shoot! This is criminal haki. Throwing yourself a pity party of this magnitude surely is criminal!!!
The test came out….he has more malaria than a little village in Kilifi combined.
Mwehehe, to be totally honest, I knew it was, but I did not want to tell him that cos he might bite my head off and go “Boohoooo. you are not the expert okay! That’s why you are a struggling **insert mundane proffesion** and NOT A DOCTOR**. Plus yes. I'm not a doctor. I comment on matters about whichI posses expert opinion. Few if any.

How I knew, is that the last time we traveled to the Coast, I took my meds while incredible hulk over there a.k.a “looks whose teeth are chattering now” refused to because he is invincible and mayhaps invisible to bugs while, I? .....I’m just your regular control freak.

On the drive back home;

CHAP: KM, I’m gonna die

KM: Not on your birthday. Happy birthday

CHAP: Shit I’m sooo oooold!

The pity party is obviously unrelenting.

Surely, does this guy? This one, this guy, chair Board meetings without breaking into a “awww shott! We are fugged. We are going Under. OMG we will be all over the news” panic attack? How now?

We get home. I was tired. The doctor said the meds are strong, so he needs to eat well before he takes them.
So much for a night of showing him a good time “I charge you good price for you my friend, sucky, sucky, mmmmm Ming Lee do it very nice but only for you”.

Its bad enough that the damn man does not want to eat cos “Juice is fine, I had lunch”, but to have to eat KM’s dinner? Punishment is what.

So I go rattle pots and pans, comes out with something at the end of it, and I even make him some chicken soup.
While I’m in the kitchen, I keep checking on him, he was really silent and considering how many times he floated the dying theme around, I would be lying if I said I wasn’t worried. He kept drifting in and out fo sleep, hallucinating random crap like “No, please don’t kill me” “KM, how could you! You said you loved me!” and lifting his head from the pillow when he saw me hovering around to ask “KM is the food ready or should I take the meds now because I feel like I’m dying” UGHHHHHH!

At 10 oclock, I emerged from the torture chamber i.e kitchen with a half bent nail **grits teeth** with something(s) for him to eat.

The poor pooor thing was so feverish, all the duvets, still sweating and you- know- what- he- was- doing -with- his -teeth.
He took one look at the food and goes
“I can’t eat. I will throw up. Please give me juice KM. I’m parched".
**makes an up-down motion to his throat as if, duh kwani what else does parched mean?**
It could mean that he was settled on a tree like a bird, but, that’s with an “e”, plus it would be sooo out of context.

I ignored his pleas for a drop of water Lazarus, and about half an hour later, KP and Gabi had nothing on me! There was war!!! and after a myriad of puke threats,I won, he was fed, took his meds and I gave him some lucozade. He was incensed at my nerve. Negro please!
He made a point to let his sister and brothers know that “he was dying” when all they did was innocently call to wish him a happy birthday. Sigh.

My lingerie and I crawled into bed. Exhausted. He still wanted to get down. More of ego really than anything else. “look at me, I can do it on my death bed” The nerve! Him and his sweaty self now how? I don’t mind sweat, but I prefer activity sweat to illness sweat! Eeeewwww
So, I did not grant his deathwish, because also, a little part of me felt like I was taking advantage of him.

I get into the bed. K.A.L.A.H.A.R.I heloooo!!! 900 degrees, I’m looking for cool corners of the bed and I can feel waves of his fever coming at me. Sighhh!!!
His teeth would stop chattering, then he would remember and start all over lest I forget the recurring evening theme….”dying”
Eventually, he slept. Like a baby, his body cooled down and I just looked at his sleeping self and almost shed a tear vile, that’s a hard way to have a birthday.

He was up and well this morning, still has some meds to go, which I know will be a battle to finish but I hope he knows he will finish those things even if I have to mix them in his food cos, hell no! I cannot have too much of him when he is like that.

I was late for work, Drat! This is why career women who hold their families intact are the 8th wonder of the world. He said a mortified “thanks. I’m sorry. We’ll do it right next year”.
At some point I thought, you know he really hates attention and would much rather the birthday went unnoticed so he feigned the illness….the fever? I dunno how he did that!

Music Video Codes

Robin Thicke - Lost Without You
September 05, 2007
19:14
Happy Birthday Baby
From: KenyanMusings

Tags: Birthday

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To one still older and better,
To one whom I have known long, and accompanied far,
Whom I have found wakeful over my sickness and kind in my sorrow,

Glad in my prosperity and firm in my adversity,
True in counsel and trusty in peril,
To a friend often tried and never found wanting.....

I love you, so much, too much, a little more each day my baby

Craig David- Unbelievable

I hope your 34th birthday brings you the best still,
That you will be so much more blessed

Paaaartttty timmmeeeeee!!!!
No, I will not get you a handbag for your birthday so i can say 'dude, you don't want it? Ok, I'll take it"....

I hope you have a great time,
Happy birthday my sweet.

Green Day- Time of your life

Love, Much Love and More,
KM
September 03, 2007
5:19
Goodie…I attended Carol Atemi’s Album launch…..the gal ...
From: KenyanMusings

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Goodie…I attended Carol Atemi’s Album launch…..the gal can siiing!! Daaamn! Rock on chica!!!

Our very own India Arie....yummm. Take a listen.....

powered by ODEO

Alafu, I was out club hopping on Friday. Good times! Great friends, great conversation, great laughs…..perfect. I went from Slims-Pitcher&Butch - Blue times- Galileo-Rezorus-Black diamond-Mercury….all in a night.

I have to tell ya! Rezorus VIP is like Nairobi’s best secret!! Maybe not…but I like it. Its small, private and the loo smells really nice. Yes, I know, I have pledged my loyalty and traded my disdain for crowded clubs and Kenyan teenagers for VIP….the atrocities whose chief aim is the exclusion of others, mwehehehe.
I speak against it as vehemently as I do about child prostitution, children in armed conflict and all optional and protocols reaaly on top of the main treaty, LOL, seriously, I babble on......that makes me cry oodles and oodles of tears. Its like I'm reading up on something and I have PMS, and I'll start crying and the chap will go

Chap: "ala! whats up?"
KM: "its these kids...Imagine bla bla bla..."
(chap draws a blank look, and a straw then...)
Chap: "Ok, KM, I'll go work a lil bit, I'll see you later.
KM: Noooo, please dont leave me?...then,
KM: (teary and yelling) Fine you go work! I don't understand why you cant be there for me! The least you can do is give me a hug and just I donno, hang around
Chap: I am not hanging around! **comes to give me a hug, I reject it because, yep, its a pity hug, he did not want to do it....

PMS is such a ughhhhh haki!

Well, file that under “B for babbling” but as I was saying, who am I kidding, my wallet carries about 8 VIP access cards to pretentiousness. How you ask? How not?

I gotta tell ya, I have this friend of mine who has no single card, None! Not one! Kwani he knows only nondescripts? I mean, we can all say there is that one freind of a rela who has managed to0 get out of the rat race........LOL, the daily grind, and mayhaps can hook you up with, I dunno, like a free ticket to something? anything...Him! NOTHING!!!

So since half my time is spent ducking outside to get him in as 'my guest', I tell him, look, I know someone who can get you a card to **insert some joint where you have to drink blood and walk in naked…wait for it….Backwards!!! ***, LOL I mean, he has Tamasha, Bah! who needs that now? It’s not VIP, Tamasha is like, sooo last century, I dunno, card or not, you pay at the entrance and get in.

VIP? Real card, embossed, "Miss KM. This card admits two". Dare I add sijui 1 % off manicures at **insert salon** , okay I kid, thats fod Diva account, but Ala, and even with all the money, you cannot pay at the entrance to get into VIP, that’s the difference. You’ll kaaa huko and scream for the waiter till your voice gets hoarse. VIP service is never shitty, thats a start. Damn! I’mma burn for this. Please remind me this when I fall out with the who’s who and my memberships gets revoked…that would be funny.

So this dude keeps telling me how, eti VIP sucks, eti he wouldn’t take the card if he had it for free. Yeah dude, no one is offering you any but so I calmly ask him, "so why do I have to get you in all the time?" He says "cos you guys are there...its the company!!" Dude! yeah, company is better in VIP that it is on a katable where you have squished yourself like cabbage from shags! Aiii? How is being in Sohos/Rezorus/Galileo/Afrique etc VIP a bad thing when you have the option of going into the regular club when you like? Negro pris, don’t blend with the grass out of envy!

The only people who speak against VIP are those who can’t get in. And if you think VIP sucks ass, sure dude, whatever....I'll sit on the sofa while you sit on a ‘sina taabu’, throw in the fact that VIP folks can have the best of both worlds and, oh just zip it! You don’t gats VIP, chin up m’kay?

Mwehehhe, I kid you not, I hate to be associated with VIP, cos people judge you that’s why. Funny, those people who judge will kill you and your sorry existence to get VIP access. *shrugs* whatever!

So from VIP in Rez, you can hear the wonderful music coming form Rez Wananchi up there (LOL, that word is not mine, I heard it from someone to refer to the club). And every single time, I sneak into Wananchi to get a load of the music….1 word. YUCK! People bodies are hoot (temperetaure not decorum) halafu, smh! Let me watch music from TV me cos my stiletto heels are not going to fight for legroom like that.

Aiiiii Halafu, right across Rezorus, is this new joint called Black Diamond. Great music, balcony but all they are doing is attract the crowd from Rez wananchi so *shrugs* Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose.
Halafu dare I add…AC? M.I.A. None! Woi its hot!!!!! I was wondering why until the chap told me that, people drink more when its like that, aaand, they can cool off at the balcony, but the thought of cooling off, comes right after they get that extra cold drink. What a genius!!! I will have his baby. As soon as I’m ready to throw the present perfection, if you can call it that, that is thunder thighs and distended belly to the dogs. I mean, I look like this now....what will I look like after a baby? Chaos is what.

There’s a reason why people like me are not blessed with mad cash. First off, now meeee, who hyperventilates through mall windows, you can always tell, the wet marks, palm prints and warm breath at the windows a la KM was here…would be accorded the luxury of getting in and buying the whole damn shop. For the same reason I get anal about VIP. I mean, look, I’m mouthing off about clubs, someone owns them!!! Thats what I should be focussing on right now!! Owning clubs
August 24, 2007
15:59
I'm Saaaaary. Hot chics, geeks etc
From: KenyanMusings

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I have been walking around all day singing…mimi, na huyu demmm, tunapendana kila sehemmm. Vaileti wewe ndio keki hao wengine ni fekii. Sigh, I refrain from commenting.

**Grudgingly saunters in, unleashes apology note**
Following my majorly politically incorrect post.....throw in duress, I have a few apologies to make

RE: GEEKS

They rock.

Geeks in unison: Sorry, we can't hear you

KM: Okkkkaaaayyy! ALright! Sheesh! Geeks Rock. Geeks Rule!!! Je m'excuse.

RE: PRETTY WOMEN
**Grits teeth**. You know what? I'm all for world peace but NO, I won't apologise for that. Hot mamas are EVIL. LOL. they caused the holoucast, what more do you want?

Pretty women are the reason plain Janes like me;
- Have to read newspappers so we can attract chaps with brains

- Have to be funny

- They are the cause of the breakouts on my face

- They are the cause of my thunder thighs

- They are the cause of the *sigh* lifebelt around my tummy masquerading as a stomach.

But seriously, let me tell you my worst nightmare. The real WMD. Its not even beauty and brains combined. That's so last century. In this day and age, being hot and brainy is every woman's birthright. And that stuff is very relative. If KM can bag a man, surely, that stuff must be relative. Truss me, every duckling has a story.

Me? What scares me? **shivers** ....GOOD COOKS.

For the longest time, people wander around thinking Hitler is evil....I'll tell you evil....women that cook really really well. Like my Auntie, the Swiss schooled chef. Dude! Her husband is home by 6 evryday!! Latest 6.01. Such women, right thurr is your neon light/police line...do not cross.

There is a reason why that "the way to a man's heart....." phrase was coined. I beg to differ. There are other ways...lots of other ways, (I know, how do you think those who cannot cook get holidays?). By the way, throwing the occasional laugh at his *rolls eyes** oooold jokes gives you mileage.
Until you cave in and go "dude! I dont want to hear that joke again! Ever!" He will still tell you the joke and I'll say "remember when we first met and you told me the joke and laughed really hard? refer to that".
I mean, I'm all for he's dead funny but lines have to be drawn.

I was saying..... I beg to differ, but I am not dumb enough to tempt fate.
I am lucky that my burnt dinners and half ready pancakes get eaten. Seriously though, I'm a great cook...its just that I get home so tired and I dont want to ruin my nails. I know my mother would have a problem with that. *shrugs* its what it is.

There's a reason why my heart flutters when he says "hun please make me that yummy rice you make" Sniff. Awww, Thats all I'm good for. Rice, Fish and beef.

I DO NOT slave over Chapati anymore. Why now? I discovered Nakumatt frozen chaps **ducks rock from livid mummy** but they suck. So, thats what my househelp is for. She comes over, she makes them and leaves. I come home, I cut 'em up, and serve them. She who serves carries tha day. My mum has gotten away with that for years. She serves my father the food my auntie the chef made, and my father compliments HER! Alas!

And yes, my help is OOOOOLLLDDD. Like 70. I leave nothing to chance...cos the only women that can cook that are NOT evil, are septuagenarians plus. Anything below 70, can you spell D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R? Okay, maybe 60.

What would break my heart is if my dude ate at another woman's house (defined herein as anyone bel0w 35 that is a good cook). I know it comes naturally for him, and indeed all the men in my life to lie to me "I don't know why you think you put in too much soy sauce....I'm enjoying!!" Awwwww, Bless! Especially because he sips some juice right after that..... Mwehehhe.

Everytime I serve him a meal, you should know the side dish to my every meal is an excuse.

"Chicken and baby, I think I added too much salt"

"spaghetti and hun, the sauce is too tangy, I don't know why, its the same one I use always"

""Ugali and aiii, i don't know why that nyaks in not soft. I cooked it forever! Sema sweetie"

But every time, evey single time....he cleans it all up and goes "wow, that was great!". Again, I have my reasons for loving him. He never says No to anything I offer him, (To eat/Consume/ Ughhh! , get your minds out of the gutter...to partake in **sighs** A cooked meal. There!).

I should apologise also to memorable jokes, but aiii, I see he has stepped up the jokes a notch. Auuuuiiiii!!! 30 jokes for the price of one. Tihiii.

Yeah, I apologise for all that stuff.
Hugs all.
Happy weekend.
August 23, 2007
15:27
Randomize
From: KenyanMusings

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Aheem.

**grabs pillow*
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Right, Ok, moving on.....
I will pay anyone to do this job that my evil, evil, evil, eeeeeeeviiil boss is insisting I can do. I kid, he is the most awesome guy like eveeeeer!I'm not defeatist AT ALL, but I know I am not a techie, or a geek and NO sir, I cannot create a tracking tool if I tried really, not with all these variables.....can't the geeks do it? pleeaseeee. This is not what I had in mind when I asked for mentoring!
I have even googled like "excel track analyse external data"...nooothing.yeah, I know, its too ambigous. I can see from a distance that there is programming involved here. All that "If Rwanda then Go 10" Okkkay, so I was blending juice to sell instead of attending techie classes. Again as I said, if I wanted to be a resident geek, maybe, maybe I'd be a geek ok? I'm not mentioning names. Thinker, mental, Whiteafrican, Kikuyumoja, yeah I are (loool, yes, i know people are getting tired of me keeping on with that, I'mma milk it 1 week more max) onto your 'I-like-to-pretend-am-not-a-geek-act'. Face it ok, you wore glasses in class 1 and when all of us (we, the cool ones) were playing shake and NOT including you because you would mess with our cool factor, you went and actually learnt how to do geeky stuff.
I have options. A rich husband or burst.
Ain't it sad that like geeks, end up marrying the pretty chics, so like the pretty mamas don't have to suffer all their life. I mean, they had no esteem issues while growing up, halafu they bag a reformed geek, now millionare. How cool is that!
In line with geeks.....And yes, today i'm lining myself up for crimes against humanity cos damn, my stilletos have crushed toes there! Don't you just hate it when people know who they are and what they want, in and out of blog? Like How Bankelele is you financial sense guy...and you huku really gaddamn can't cut a niche....you tittilate betweeen rubbish and stepped-up-a-notch-crap.....Just awesome! Or, Hmmm, ...wait for it....that memorable jokes chap. **breathes in, breathes out, releases him into the universe ** cos hot damn, the (wo)man can clog the aggregator on any given Sunday. As in thank Mary's Sandals that I do not control that aggregator tondu because....**grits teeth* Jokes guy, OUT NI NJA! (out is outside).
Can we go back to the place where seriously, why again am I doing this.....numbers are a big part of my job, damn right, I look at them and write a report that what numbers do for me.... but I know I am not meant to make databases more than once in 5 years.....sniiiiifffff or ever, dear God.
I got a B+ in Math ok?! I was that bad...seriously I cried..That's what A students do when they get a B+. They cry. Mwehhehe.
Theeeen, you guys......can we begin with the fact that really I am trying to generate a graph with two y axis-es (tihi) and the secondary one keeps coming on top...UGHHH. Some small fuglee afraid of being seen thing. This is excel...how much do I suck seriously!!!
I want it to be beside and not a small one like you cant even see it, wtf is it? a retard? why is it not behaving and dont tell me abourt sijui re-arranging data cos I WONT! You know how stressed I get when I cant get stuff done...I get so stressed, and angry and I erm, sort of like, umm, start to cry with fury...*smh* I know... "KM that is not good for you, that thing you do when things don't go your way".....I'm sorry, I forget how many times my mum dragged me home crying because I came second in swimming or (insert any other competition ever). Like, I kjnow I cannot play table tennis, yeeeet, I tried for about 4 years. WTH, its for losers! Dude, man, I dont take that stuff well.

You know what...I'll figure that out. I could just give up, but you know what. I'll do it just to prove a point...whcich escapes me at this point, but yes, there is a point therein.
That besides....am I loving my hair or whaaaat? Its awesome. Awesome cool funky hair. I love it.
And there is this person...who is annoying me.
Yes you, person, **points manicured..... (yeah, its acrylics but thats between me and jesus), bejewelled, damn right its platinum -finger** you know yourself...you and your fish and chips accent **puhleeze!** how now? Step away from the bullshit sir! Dude, you are so sucking major ass right now.
July 26, 2007
7:39
8 things, UGH
From: KenyanMusings

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Butterfly tagged me. Ugh! Me vile I yak, I have exceeded my mystery quota…but I will do the tag with the format from halfnhalf and Archer...buuut, if I tag you, ehe, ngoja tu.

1. Where is your cell phone…In my bag

2. Relationship… works most of the time when he is not snoring. Feh! if he stops snoring I think he is dead so I put my finger under his nose to check is he is breathing...ummm, TMI, it works, lets just say that.

3. Your hair…. Dreadlocks that look like some afro..ugh, strange

4. Work…addicted to it

5. Your sisters…. 1. strong, grounded, funny as hell, out of this world, beautiful, married, one spoilt son

6. Your favorite things…. Sex, laughter Shoes, Jewelery, Scents, books that smell oooold

7. Your dream last night…I don’t remember. I don't think i dream me

8. Your favorite drink….Tusker malt,Tequila, Tia Maria (Oh look! All T’s)

9. Your dream car….LOL, dunno too much about cars but Range Rover TDV8

10. The room you’re in….blue. Its a boy!! light blue walls, deep blue carpet

11. Your shoes…Black pumps

12. Your fears….poverty/financial insecurity

13. What do you want to be in 10 years…phenomenal at what I'm doing now

14. Who did you hang out with this weekend…my dude, his boys and their mates (gag, I know, everyone else was busy)

15. What are you not good at…patience for rubbish people or rubbish ideas

16. Muffins? No thanks

17. Wish-list item…Apple Black Macbook *whistles*

18. Where you grew up…Meru-Nairobi-Blantyre-Nairobi-Meru

19. The last thing you did… Send an email/giggle

20. What are you wearing…Cream skirt, black sweater top, pearls (real ones kulahiyo, not them kenpoly plastic ones peeps wear), black stockings

21. What are you not wearing… watch/bullshit on my sleeve/heart on my sleeve/a chair/ a desk/ whothefuckcameupwiththis awfullyambiguosquestion!!!!!

22. Your favorite pet…I have none but I would love a puppy

23. Your computer…needs backing up

24. Your life…does not have enough hours in any given weekday

25. Your mood…mellow today

26. Missing…Dormans boozy Kioki coffee. ssssssureeely hic, isssshh hic, very hic hic cooold

27. What are you thinking about… sending an email to Shiro, *smh* kesho mami, I promise!!

28. Your dream location… Morocco

29. Your Ex… Just told me he needs socks (!)

30. Your Favorite Item… My new blackberry...I love you, you love me, we are a happy family......

31. Your favorite colour…Not sure, when I see it, I know If I like it or not, maybe creams, beiges, earthy browns.

32. Last time you laughed…last night

33. Last time you cried…19th July 2007.

34. School…I need to hand in some assignments

35. Love … is not too bad if you get it right.

Now who to tag that has not done the tag...Consider thyself tagged;

Muts
Thinker
Udi
Ms K
Mama Gabi
Shiro
Prou
Medusa

If I have tagged you, you are NOT to use that format that I have used!! That one is boring. You write your own stuff like kila mtu else...yes, 8 random fact/habits about you!
July 23, 2007
17:16
KM and the bush
From: KenyanMusings

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Usually I don't mind it. Going to the bushes.

As long as I have sunscreen, water, apples, crackers, wet wipes, hand sanitizer (for all the hands I cannot avoid shaking) a translator, security and I travel in comfort with a driver who will not talk toooo much like that M***, Ngutness! he never shuts up, kila saaa stories stories.......UGH! *gasps for breath* Seriously I am so not like some people who need to travel with their sijui bags full of make up ........*shrugs* For what now vile there is not even a place to shower or electricity or chaps to impress sijui with Long lash Mascra...how now??
This one though was the harshest harshest trip eeeeeverrrrr. For 2 days I did not eat vile *gaaaaag* and on the third day, close to breakdown, I closed my eyes and ate something.

Mi Casa. The roof houses only like 50003 bats with human like faces that hang like pendulums on the roof...ewwwwww, they don't fall in..there is a mesh but they make munching sounds and all. Eeeek! and the whole house reeks of bat poo. Cool bananas! How fast can you say Hardship? Per diem?

This Fugleee *smh* I started calling him/it Abdullahi because it lived in the compound and everytime I got out of my hut, it would be there in all its fuglee glory yukk! Eating soil!!!! and I would yell at the dude who wanted to convert me into Islam so he could marry me *shrugs* he does not have enough head of camel to sustain my town habits me....to come take it away and Abu would just saunter off with his tail at a 90 degree angle.

Then you set off in search of human signs, babies to be precise or pregnant mummies...not that you can tell....what with the buibui and all?

Stop to do pee pee on the way and take a shika kiuno pic...mwehehe, fret not ...no one cares that I have not had a proper bath in 3 days....

but when you get to where the people are you have to cover up....and the top too

Human signs.....yaaaay!!

And Looook!!!! A hospital!!!!

With a place where if you are bold enough to climb, you may get phone network...

Network......NOOOOOT.

And adorable Hawa not feeling too good and she walked for about 30KM with her mummy to come to hospital *sniff* Sometimes she walked, sometimes mummy carrioed her...*sniff*..... but she is going to get better

And when you get back to town....you can have henna on your feet by the woman who makes the brides pretty ......She would not let me tell her what to paint because we could not comminucate so she did her own things. Not too bad.

And some more Henna

Finished foot. It will fade off in two weeks so *shrugs* It looks very pretty though, I like it.

And a henna flower on my tatas...
July 13, 2007
18:11
K"Naan, Joss and the Gypsy
From: KenyanMusings

Tags: Music

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Someone traveled and got me some K’Naan Music, and a copy of “Introducing Joss stone” among other things. Yaay!

Can you blame me? Can you blame me if I hugged that chap mad huh? This one whose expression of choice for when a dude hits on me (they are few. Extremely few circumstances when a man actually ever hits on me. Usually I get surprised when anyone hits on me *smh*) is

Dude: “KM who were you meeting?
KM: “some dude who needed xyz”
Dude: “Oh. Is he throwing maize?”
KM: “what?”
Dude: “is he throwing maize?”

Smh, its so funny. It cracks me up. Hitting on a woman is "throwing maize".
There is something very ish about it…..like I mean, like catching a chicken…luring it with maize halafu vile the chicken is always so woiyeeeeee when its caught. Plus I mean, the chicken is dumb…it was so stupid it fell for the maize trap.
Throwing maize. Tihii.

Onto Music matters.....
Everybody are we loving her? Are we not totally loving Joss Stone…We love Joss. I don’t care what anyone says, she had me at ‘spoiled’ and 'right to be wrong' and 'snakes and ladders' and ...actually every song...from her Mind Body and Soul album and I am loving her again in her new album, 'Introducing Joss stone" and the track with Common in 'Tell me what we are gonna do now"...swellness.....'when we combine it's like good food and wine .....'

And we are loving K’Naan as always. He was phenomenal in “The dusty foot Philosopher”..."smile", "in the beginning" "what's Hardcore" "I was stabbed by satan". Out of this world!!!
I heard his music, the fantastic song "smile".......never let them see you down smile while you bleeding..... first at a house party for one of those weird peoples who like to hug trees and stuff and like to maintain their karmic balance while muching on lettuce and carrots like rabbits and being kind to animals and stuff, (even CATS!!! Now how? Cats suck ass. Me I'm always on the look out for cats to roadkill vile those things are so yukky. Feh! Need I add Lazy?)

Small digression
Speaking of Cats..what the hell is it with Cats and dogs around the news? Mara Cats breastfeeding puppies, Dogs breastfeeding Cats.....aii, animals in Kenya are so crazy. Remember the Lioness and the Oryx that had people saying how God is coming back eti cos the bible said about "lions and sheep grazing together" (not sure of the bible verse). Halafu, tihii, that woman on TV yesterday going "huyo PUSSI!! (yes, not paka..pussi) anawanyonyesa(sic) kama watoto WAE (not wake, WAE)".....

Uhhhh and does anyone remember the time people were told to catch chameleons and get paid 1G for every sick lil shaitty reptile (reptiles and amphibians are so eeeeeky), and they were unleashing them in gunny bags eti "shika hikio(sic) kinapotea" LMAOOOOO *smh* Kenyans. Special sana. They were not paid. It was all a hoax and ...wait for it...most of them had skived jobbo to go nab chameleones huko in the bushes.
I can just see it. Asking for a sick day off then disapperaing into the thickets with a gunia slung over my shoulder.
....ENDS DIGRESSION.

So, yeah, this mama.... **waits while you go huko up pre-digression to figure out which mama** Ok? Good. So no fur kind, you will find her lobbying outside PEPFAR offices on a cold winter morning with a placard, NOT for an increase in AIDS funding or for more affordable ARVs, naaah, for erm uhhh, I dunno..the fact that someone from the PEPFAR office ran over a mongrel in Mozambique and was never held accountable....Okay, so I am like going way over the top, but you know, she be passionate 'n all..... gipsies who do no evil but smoke ganja like to achieve their balance. What are those people called? The ones who say;

Weirdo: KM!!! how can you eat beef? How would you feel if someone killed you and ate you?

KM: Ummmmmmm, well, *bites into burger*, I mean, I would obviously be upset that they are eating me but, I mean, how much influence can I have when I'm dead over.....Okay, wait, why would they wnat to eat me in the first place?

Weirdo: (Nodding like yeah, thats what I mean) ... yeah, maybe you should ask the cow that before you eat it.

FCOL!!!! Ask the cow?!! Ask the cow!!!

Well, the CD.... I loved it. I got that CD burned and I have never regretted it. He is so awesome that unless you listen really, I cannot tell you what K'naan is. He is way way up there, way too good.
And now I finally have a listen to his world tour in the "Dusty foot on the road", which includes some tracks from philosopher that sound even greater.

He is fabulous! I would not have blogged it but I heard him on BBC today and went "OMG! and I so have that CD" and he was great! And he was expalining his lyrics in 'What's Hardcore' when he says "if i rhyme about home, and got descriptive, i'd make 50 cent look like limp bizkit, " mwehhehe, kula hiyo Fiticent.....and he was expalining the difference between this superimposed almost glorified version of violence that dominates the rap industry and comparing it with the kind of violence he understands, like in Mogadishu...the kind that you have no control over. It was deep, and I was amazed and well, maybe thats not how he said it but errrm....*shrugs*

So yeah, there, get yourself a copy.
Halafu...the coooooldd! It came with its babies yaani this cold but tell you what, If you go to a Dormans that serves boozy coffee...it will really really warm you up or help you forget how bloody cold it is!!
July 05, 2007
13:05
Flirting in traffic and radio
From: KenyanMusings

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Let me tell something to jyou (yes, jyou…think Happy Feet) Tihiiiii, just this morning I was flirting with some dude in traffic. *smh* He was just so….waaaait, waaaait, wait for it…hoooot. That’s hot (think Paris). He’s hot.
Initially I was staring at his wheels. His metallic black X5 to be precise. Auuuuiiiiiiiiiii. ‘nuff sed.

So now, I have stared and then suddenly, well, I think he noticed vile I was blatant and I did not think he could see me through the tint ( silly, I know! thats what tint is for but its easier to stare when you can see the other person is not seeing you staring *gasps for breath*), he rolls his window up and down about three times enough for me to look. Walalalallalala. Excooose me…usually you think umm, yeah, that's a fuglee in there.
Oh noooo. Stereotyping!! This one was so it!!! Ngutnes me.

I was shaking, shaking like a Polaroid piiiicture (whatshisnameOutkast?).
Now you wish the traffic was moving. So, he mouths a ‘hi’. I mouth one back. Ala, what a better way to pass time. He was clean shaven and gorgeous.
*Sniff* , morning torture haki, forget broken coffee machine!
Halafu I could only see his shirt and tie. Feh! Me I hope he was not huko in boxers with love hearts and some funny looking shoes because *grits teeth*.
Ok, so then, I start blushing. Imagine! Me a married woman having groins warm up for another man. LOL. Such sin! *grabs rosary, Hail Mary…..* I blushed like a foooooooool. I am so embarrassed.
Usually I blush a lot so I avoid it as far as possible. I can draw maps like no one’s biz so I totally hate to be tortured thus. I muster courage to look up again halafu he mouths a ‘how are you’. Well at fisrt I did not hear/read it so I said what and put my hand to my hear a la sign language and he smiled…*swooooons and kufas* then said it again. Jayzuz me!! I am officially fit to reside in K-street sasa now why? Soliciting in Traffic.

Traffic moves a little, then stops you know the drill.

He keeps mouthing stuff and when I get it (my brain kinda slowed down so he had to keep repeating it, most of it chit chat ‘what is your name’) I would mouth back. It was so much fun! Then, we exchanged numbers....noooot.
Well, he gave me his. Do you know how? ....Wait for it ….he wrote it on the newspaper and had one of those chaps selling papers to pass it to me!!!! Ngutness. Is he not so cool?! Thats a romantic one. I can tell.
I got a free paper and his phone number. *swoonety swoon* I mean, who ever thinks of that now? I was craning to see if he has a wedding ring. LOL seriously how messed up is that?! Why do I even care seeing as I'm not interested? Or am I not? *bites little finger a la Dr. evil/Austin powers*

So it got to the point where I realised aiii, this one will break my home. Too bad I have a *swallows hard, bites lower lip, whispers in barely audible voice* 'dude' and could not bring myself to hook him up with my number. *sniff* there goes my husband.
When the traffic moved, he blew me a kiss and did a ‘call me’. Auuuuuiii. Me I just might call him. I mean, what the heck…..I’m sure I will outgrow it by day’s end but hmmm, that was such fun.
*giggles* I am sooo sixteen right now. Time has never been better spent in traffic. That traffic was not even enough!!! I love traffic so much. Traffic kicks ass. Yaay for traffic.

*disclaimer*
Incase that person happened to read this blog, ngai Njesus! maybe its a blogger.....
*shivers, composes self, reads out loud*
'I am a fun loving,outgoing, funny, God fearing, ambitious, financially stable and looking for a long term relationship and ready to step into the future with a special someone whom we can inspire and encourage each other into the future *gasps for breath*. No jokers please. No flashing. Test a must. Must not have children. Maybe 1.
LMAOOOOOO. Yeah, thats how fleeting my loalties are. Kenyan Politician or Peter and Jesus. Either or.

Moving on, this morning a certain blogger (yes, you, *points* lift your hand. Inua mkono usalimie watu) calls me and shockedly goes 'what is that you are listening to?!!' . LOL, I was listening to' shangilia'.
The music I listen to when I get up paces my day. I will not, I refuse to get up to angry music fisrt thing in the morning. At some point later, yeah but fisrt thing, It makes me cranky….so most days I will first listen to Christian music. Slow, uplifting, gives me a balance, a certain mood before I move on to anything else. Kwanja there is this song by the late Emachichi. *giggles, let it go will ya?*, yes, the artist formerly known as Prince Emachichi ‘mwambie Yesu’ LOL. That one is my Nirvana. It’s about asking Jesus for what you want and getting it. And one ‘Karibu na wewe’ , dunno who by, and Hillsongs ‘Still’
'I will be still know you are God' That song does magic for me......I can stop mid-screaming 'pants'!! at someone and just be still.

If I am around the dude, he is an atheist *shrugs* (this is why I should hook up with the bro from traffic, I’m sure he is spiritual and God fearing) vile I am so not going to be there when thunderbolts strike him for calling the pope …wait for it…. ‘a mass murderer’ !!!!! For refusing to endorse the condom.

I share the sentiments. I feel extremely strongly about it. No one is against abstinence, but to not give the HIV positive and the sexually active the option of using a condom is absolute crap. Crap crap crap crap bollocks. Kwani how do you think the virus spreads? NOT FROM THOSE WHO DO NOT HAVE THE VIRUS! Sheesh!

Well calling the pope that is a bit….. devilish you know? I am still praying for him. Even when he says ‘don’t pray for me. If things get better I might be forced to believe and that is too high a price to pay” I am praying ok. I will definitely leave him better than I found him.

Well, around him, we cannot agree on anything except music CDs or BBC radio.
CDs can also become a problem....I want Kelis, he wants Tupac, I want India Arie, he wants Tupac, I want Nora Jones he wants Tupac, I want Bone thugs he wants bone thugs! I want Blink, he wants Blink Ugh!...... Voila!
LOL, yes, 93.7 BBC is where the consensus is. Alan is free. Ok Fiiine!!!! aiiiiiii!!!!!

Or to Capital……the Music, *bliss* I am a capital groupie. Sad, I know, but I am. If they just kept quiet and played the music...aiiii, utopia.
At least they won’t ruin Glamorous- Fergie !! ‘My daddy told me so….he let his daughter know… and ….aaaand Beyonce *hangs head in shame* Upgrade for me. 'I can do for you what Martin did for the peeeeople.* lowers voice a notch* Look at the time I saved ya, mama let me upgrade ya….
And I am so into that new song by Nikki ‘niwe wako’ is it? The one that goes ‘ayayyaaiiiii’ Love it times 50.
That’s hot(mwehehe)
And there is this ‘Baa baa black sheep’ that Fareed plays in ‘Indian’ that is so funny. That’s hot(tihii).

After that I will listen to my own music, or whatever tickles my fancy. Heck sometimes I even listen to French radio. Tihiii, you will find that at around 89.9. *smh* for practice. Lately I can actually make sense of the sentences. Ugh!

End of. My radio doesn't shika anything else.

So, happy day good people.
July 02, 2007
19:14
Loc'd hair woes.
From: KenyanMusings

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Ughh! I have been rocking wigs since I loc'd my hair. Wigs rock. LOL, one day I am Tyra Banks, the next I'm Halle Berry's short crop.
Before my locs I was braiding my hair, having all kinds of things done to it, cornrows, braids ... then I was Anna Tibaijuka, rocking an afro, only a cuter more girlie one . I like 'fros. My hair curls at the top so it looks kinda nice.... *sighs**

Unlike most fancy girls, my 'fancy hair' chip is broken. I have had my natural hair for about 5 years. loc'd, not loc'd but always natural. I watch with wonderment as the girls do all this fancy things to their hairs; flat irons, tongs, weaves and I kinda miss that but I discovered I could play around with loc'd hair. Make waves and springy curls on it and stuff...bla bla.

So anyway, when I took out my old locs because erm, I went to this quack who put some crazy shiet in my hair and it had these white thingamajigs that would not come out...I decided to cut them all off and start all over. Then my loctician said to try a detangler and see if it will take them out, and yaaaay, it did...slowly and painfully for about 2 weeks, loc by loc.

Still, I lost a lot of hair and my loctician said to nurse it while before I loc again so it can gain some body/booty. So, there I was giving it a break, intensively treating it and for a while before I loc'd I had erm, the variety of wigs. Tihii, nooo, its not my hair. Underneath it was these dholuo woman in Bondo cornrows. Hehehe!

So, I go loc, halafu, this is what comes out!!!

Saaasaa now what are these?
Funny, the first time I loc'd my hair, it was all straight but thats because I had bits of relaxed hair which I trimmed as the locs grew.
Now, my natural hair has shot to absolute madness. Its too light, too soft and mucus-ey, so its decided to do this absolutely infuriating curling stunt. So my head is a mop of fekking curls, and I have to keep running my hands through so that it does not tangle.
The loctician said eti after a while it will straighten out. It would be cool if it was long curls, but these are too damn short. I look like 3T dudes. Ewwww, Jerry curl. Its not greasy thankfully.
Halafu the mess can't seem to arrange itself properly on my head its just all over!!!

Its weeks already and nothing is giving!!! I have had the ends trimmed hoping it will straighten up angalau kidogo but it has totally refused to behave.

Then on the days I am bold enough to leave it open, people will ask what have you done to your hair?' and I say locs and they look at me like "yeah, and I'm the queen of Sheba"and they think I'm lying so that they don't get the look for themselves. Hehhee, Its like when you have a nice dress on and people keep asking and you go "I cant remember the name of the shop" Mwehehhehe. I have resigned to 'Its just evil hair with a mind of its own'.

I'll keep them a while. I hope they are much organised by my next salon visit. Forgive me if I call my loctician at 10 oclock in the night and go "Duuude, they are still not getting any straighter". Yes, yes, I know he is having dinner with his family but aiiiiiii, this is crisis. He said its because my hair has been natural for too long and they are very thin...but ugh, whatever!
So erm, in the mean, I am *sighs* still rocking the wigs on bad days vile, you cannot sit and talk to people on a serious note with these things on your head. They have a choice to grow longer and keep the curls, or just straighten up because I feel like I will walk into the salon and comb them out or have it all cut off.

Does not hurt until my wig starts to sting and I wanna scratch at the edge, woii lawd! reminds me of the time I caught a jigger and my grandma removed it and tihiii, me I put it back vile it feels soooooo tamuuuuu, niiiiiiiceeeeee to scratch at it at night. Jayzuz! The itch you cant ignore.

Plus now a wig when you are out dancing you have to make sure its in place, mbele the front is at the back and you look like I dunno, Aerosmith or Ozzie... or when you are getting shagged, it could come out so its like, "I like your hair". Its a wig". "I know" then suddely the chap is kamataring you and mid-clothes removal the wig comes off, jesus me!!!! He stops to laugh at your 4 cornrows. 20 dollars says he wishes he never met you.
June 12, 2007
16:17
UGHHHHHHHHH. LEAVE ME A_FEKKIN_LONE
From: KenyanMusings

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Okay.
Focus.
Wht the hell is it with men and totally not getting the concept of PMS?
Let me effin educate you...
Get this. "sufficient severity to interfere with some aspects of life".
Why the hell do you wanna fuck with that now.

OVERVIEW:
Premenstrual Syndrome: PMS is a disorder characterized by a set of hormonal changes that trigger disruptive symptoms in a significant number of women ......
Over 150 symptoms have been attributed to PMS. After complaints of feeling "out-of-control", anxious, depressed and having uncontrollable crying spells, the most common complaints are headache and fatigue. .....They may include physical symptoms as headache, migraine, fluid retention, fatigue, constipation, painful joints, backache, abdominal cramping, heart palpitations and weight gain. Emotional and behavioral changes may include anxiety, depression, irritability, panic attacks, tension,lack of co-ordination, decreased work or social performance and altered libido......

Now, you know that. Why the fuck do you even bother. Look, all I know is a few days a month, aliens take over my being and really, there is nothing i can do about it.
I do not need counselling or medication, or jokes. Leave me THE FUCK alone. Don't talk to me, don't give me extra work, don't smile at me, don't offer to get me anything. Don't call me to impromptu unscheduled meetings. I will not show up. Don't breath near me or make guttural sounds or munching sounds leaning over my desk going over something...I will send it to your email ok. Fuck off!!! Dont effin exist. I also do not want to join you for lunch sijuio rubbish rubbish!!! UGHHHHHH. I will eat chocolate and re-arrange my jewellery...just leave me alone.

Most people behave around me at this time. Like they will leave me, the fuck alone. Gauge my mood and go uh oh, I'll see you later mami. That totally works for me. Don't text me, don't call me. Just leave me be. Pleasssseeee God. Give me chocolate and a nice voucher to the spa or something and go away.
I CANNOT STAND THE SOUND OF ANYONE BREATHING OR TALKING TO ME. They breath so loud dear God!!!

Then in these insanity induced moments when guys figure oh yeah, what? I know where her clitoris is... PMS? I can break that. Don't try that at home. People have died. True story.

Let me warn you again. All men and women that will ever ever cross my path ever.

Look, I know you leave me alone usually, I know you enjoy it because its an excuse for you to hang with the boys, oogle at chics and go "si you were PMSing".....but let me just remind you for the days you think you can beat the aliens. Just for that day when you think maybe you can handle it. YOU CANNOT.
I love you, and I don't want to be enemies with you, so never ever think for one day that you can fight that battle for me. Do like you do. Go away. Work, call to check on me (It would be great if you did not effin call, but sheesh whatever dude!) , send some chocolate and the voucher, you know..is all me! and for a little bit, enjoy your freedom. Enjoy! Free like a bird.
Its a KM thing. I let you go to your best pal's stag night, I said nothing. Now is letting me PMS too much to ask? Did you just wake up on the wrong side this month and decide I am not to be accorded peace?

You know I piss you off. You know I know I piss you off. You know I know I can feel myself annoying you and there is nothing I can do about it...You know you get so mad you storm out in protest. Why the fuck do you think next month it will be different? I just dont get it!

So I repeat,

- Do not, unless you have deathwish offer to take me to dinner to cheer me up . I do not need cheering up. SPACE is what!!! I do not know what is happening to my body but it will go away soon. Please wait.

- If I say no to going out, do not go 'uh uh...awwww shoot, PMS. Now I have to take you out". GO PLAY HIDE AND GO FUCK YOURSELF. I am not hungry!!! Chocolate is nice though.

- If you coerce me into going out, do not get me out of the house with "last call for witches to leave the house". its not fekking funny.

- When we sit for dinner, do not look stupefied and go "really, what happens during PMS". I have NO FUCKING CLUE either.

- When the waiter comes, please I know your instinct is to find that girl who is always happy, laughing at your jokes, smiling, hanging on your arm like a cheap trophy and kissing you all the time, but as I said the aliens have taken her over, so, please do not say smart alec stuff to the waiter like "i'll have a beer " then point at me and go "she would like a broom to fly around as we wait". That is not even remotely funny right now!! The waiter does not even get it. You are the only one laughing.

Can I for just a short while. Please be left alone. Ughhhh.
May 29, 2007
7:40
This name thing!!
From: KenyanMusings

Tags: Names

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Ok, for the longest time I am waiting for feedback from some chap, so annoying, his phone is off!!! Ughhh!!! and he is like nowhere to be found so *rolls eyes* wacha I blog.

Am I the only one who has a problem with names?
I need to change my names!!! I’m getting to that place where I should pick the names I will stick with for a while. Officially.
I have two English names, one of which I would be inebriated beyond all logic and reason to tell, two native names and my surname! 5 names!! What the heck for?

I was born to a Maasai Meru father and Kikuyu Ugandan mother. That whole “I would never marry or date from a certain tribe” thing, I cannot relate to. I have no role models to convince me else.

Rather messed up I know…The story is my Maasai grandfather migrated to a settlement scheme in Meru and married my Meru grandmum.
My maternal grandmother is Ugandan and she married my kikuyu grandfather. I have no clue if she was lost in Muranga and looking for directions and my guuka kidnapped her or what the hell happened there.
Tell you what though. You have not seen drama until you see the Ugandan introduction ceremony (okwanjura). I attended one....whuuuuuot! *whistles* Utapiga magoti mami!!

Anywhoo, my parents met when my mother had gone to visit her friend from college and was buying vegetables, then my mummy sneered at my dad after he winked at her (daddy!! Bad manners!) (that’s what my mum said and my dad said she was looking at him wanting to be winked at!! Jayzuz me! Ewwww!) So he started following her asking “sasa now why are you feeling sweet?” then they got married and part of dowry was to put my mum through school! Snookered!!! Tihiii. How come chaps nowadays don’t put their mamasita’s through school or am I with the wrong ones?
*mental note, see about school fees, that would make my life so much easier*.
I can just see it…”honey, where is my school fees?”
My gramps totally refused to be assimilated and when everyone moved on, he was still all about grabbing land and owning too many cows. He had serious social issues. Ala! I grew up bathing in milk and herding cows. No shame in it. I herded them like a pro! KM huko on the grass with a book and a stick, bliss!! IU can even make the whistling sounds and stuff...

I came last in my family and there was no other girl to name on my father’s side so both my grandparents gave me a name because none of them wanted to be obliterated. Ideally, my Grandma should have given me a name since I’m born after her, but si I just told you about my stubborn grandfather? So my grandmother named me in Meru to mean “clean, or someone that likes to shower” and like a year later my grandfather spat on me and named me in Maa to mean “blessed one” *rolls eyes* Indeed gramps, they are taking a while to come them blessings but yeah, sure, whatever you say.

Quite odd since names are given to match your personality, a 1 year old girl with a personality…can you spell wild guess!…so I dunno how they decided I am blessed or I like showers but I like to think they saw something that I’m yet to see myself. The blessings I can understand…maybe there is a windfall waiting in the wings, but showering? I don’t think I like bathing in a way that can be construed as ‘loving it’. Luxurious baths yes, but no more than the next person.
I ended up 2 WTF!! Kind of names. Plus 2 english ones. And my surname.

I could never tell if I was cut out to eat Miraa, to get angry, to love cows, to love beads (and have to wear them to school and have kids calling you “mchawi!!!” as in “witchdoctor” during PE and stay far away from you. LMAO, hell yes, I’m immune to “Kwao ni wachawi”. Those guys were just shady lil’ fockers!), to be slow, to love money or to take care of my man like my maternal grandma says we should. Everything was in conflict. All I asked for was justice!!

Most people don’t even think my relatives and I belong to the same family because our names and features are all over! Extremely tall ones, short ones, dark ones, light ones, fabulous hair, shit hair, big butts, small butts, good skin, shit skin, good legs, big eyes….all mixed up. The only clue is the surnames or distinct lips and noses.

Kids should be allowed to change their names as soon as they go to school and fellow kids start bullying them. Some names just attract bullies!! It’s like “uhhhh I’m the one with the shitty name, come bully me”. People whose names are straight up ‘don’t mess with this’ like Lucy Muthoni Kibaki never ever get bullied. They are the bullies!!!

When I went to boarding school, the teacher ticking the register looked at me and asked, where do you come from? Kenya dammit!
And that was the beginning of my nightmare. People bullying me and contorting my names to tickle themselves, something my friend and the moron I date do till now and I have learnt to filter it out like when you have something important to tell me let me know. So I lost them and kept to first name and surname.

Then I decided to go ethnic and things, lost my English names and I realise people cannot even pronounce any of my names. They just make fun. Like I go to the doctor ( real doctor, not witchdoctor) and the assistant calls me in and twangs my name or falters around it or just simply plays around with it hoping someone will look up and go ‘oh yeah, that’s me’ The times I have had to say “Its (pronounce names here)” or spell my names to people on the phone!!

I wish I was just pure Kikuyu. Such fun! Kyuks have all the fun. I wish I had their names, sniff. Shiro, Ciiku, Wangui, Nduta, Wambui. Some of my cousins have such names. So cute! You can make them into nice short names like Kari for Wangari. None of those names that people call you then they snigger.

Ugandan names are soooo not my thing. That story of saying "Chissa" for Kissa is soo whatever.
Meru girl names are like ish, Nkirote, Kendi, Kathambi, Kawira, Gakii.
Most Maasai girl names in my family are like eti what?. Siimoi, Nasieku (tihi, short for that is 'koko', Nas, Nostrodamus) Namunyak (wtf! Is that now? when people shorten it to ‘Namu’ it sounds like an animal of sorts. Or like when people go Namuyak, totally ignoring the ‘N’ it sounds like someone that ‘yaks’. yak yak yak.

Halafu is it just me or in one family do you have like 7 people going by the same name? So you go to family functions and its like “ask Kathambi”. “Kathambi which one?” “Kathambi small”. “who did you come with?” “Namu” “Namu which?” “Namu (name of husband)”. Such a bother.

I’m yet to get how someone can call another person from one end of the house and go “Nkirote ebu come kidogo” (that one is contorted to ‘Nki’ or ‘Nkiro’ then “Nikki’ vile my cousin had this chap who could not say it and he would go ‘Nikirote’ . Ngutness! You know how folks have a hard time saying things like ‘Ngong” they go “Nnngong”. Mwehehe so it became Nikki)….then 3 Nikirotes go “which one?” and then the person on the other end goes “dreadlocks”. Whuuooooot!?

How is one defined by who their husband is, who their child is, where they work, their height, their skin color, hairstyle…I thought that was what a name does!!! Give you an identity!!!

Then my cousin went and named her daughter “Mapenzi”. LOOOOOL, you know that ish of naming kids “Baraka’, “Amani”, “Zawadi” now who will she blame when my irritating cousin won’t stop calling her kid ‘malovings’. That one makes me laugh. And the girl knows. She looks up when you say “malovings” so obviously, a dented esteem awaits her in the not too distant future.

Ugh! Then my sister is married to a Luo, and the other day we were laughing and telling her that she should have a kid and name it “Hummer Otieno” then my sister got fuelled up and said or….(and this is not funny I know but it was hilarious then) “Boeing 507 Douala-JKIA Adhiambo”. I was D.E.A.D. She’s funneeee!!!! Maaaan my sister’s hubby gets stupefied! What wife is this he married! Are you allowed to make fun like that? I don’t care as long as I’m getting my laughs.

Speaking of, I was telling him vile someone snookered me into subscribing into that shiet Raila SMS thing. You know yourself, you and your “Call this number for an exciting offer”. I was sceptical but you know, I mean, it’s an offer right? The next minute it was like “thank you for joining the Raila supporter network”. WTF! No chance to chose to join or not, hapana, you call the number and you have joined. Is it me or isn’t that FRAUD!!!
I keep getting these texts daily like “Hi. This is Raila. I am the bridge that will take you out of misery into a bright tomorrow, thank you for your support”.</

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