So once in a while, I do something crazy and confide in some old geezer about the occasional territorial battles in my head as my better angels shout down my resident demons. I’m reliably told this pissing contest is a natural state of affairs, though unchecked, the demons are known to surprise the best of us by yielding undesirable results that play out in our thoughts and actions.
This old geezer is an OK fella actually. He’s long retired and has been around the block more times than he would want to recall. I started working with him some years ago as a mentor – supposedly one of them pearls of wisdom, an old sage so to speak, that personal development gurus (these guys who call themselves gurus really need to get a real job, honestly) thrust upon us as a solution to keep our sanity in check. You know, an outsider who can be your confidant, someone who sees things that you don’t, and someone you pay to wake the sleeping dogs in our psyche that we’d all rather let lie.
I can’t recall exactly when, but I think the boundaries of my mentor/mentee relationship with John got blurred some time back – well, I once told him to fuck off, but I guess that particular day, my resident demons were in charge of the situation room. He didn’t seem to mind this, and actually encouraged me to express myself if I felt the need to, prompting me to ask whether he had outlived his usefulness. Nevertheless, catching a pint with John once in a while is something I have time for, and it’s usually after a session when I wonder whether the fact that he’s offered to mentor me as a freebee (I’ve collected some serious air miles with him over the years) gives him the divine right to play the role of a shrink that I never asked for – of course, he’ll say he’s just listening, but I fail to see how John’s M.O is different from a shrink’s modus operandi, suffice to say that its happening in my office.
And so the recent session kicks off…
John: How’ve you been kido, it’s been a long time.
Darius: You do realise you’re old enough to be my granddad, what’s with the kido thing?
John: How’s ‘er indoors and Stone Jnr doing?
Darius: She hasn’t run away with the milkman yet
John: So what’s on your mind?
Darius: A lot, I guess I’m at that place where other things have to happen for me to feel that I’m moving on.
John: Where are you moving to?
Darius: (*with a cynical laugh*) my buttocks hurt
John: You’re not onto that “going forward” psychobabble nonsense?
Darius: You know me, I hate management band wagons and fine anyone in the office who says stupid things like going forward, joined up thinking and shit like that
John: How much have you collected in fines?
Darius: My beer fund is running low
John: How is the work?
Darius: If I went any faster it’ll be illegal, so I guess it’s fine
John: So if work is fine, what about other stuff?
Darius: Talk about beating bushes, what other stuff?
John: Are you being a good husband and father?
Darius: They don’t give prizes for that you know
John: You’re avoiding my question
Darius: She bitches once in a while, the usual, nothing out of the ordinary. Are you performance managing my marriage?
John: Do you want me to?
Darius: For fuck’s sake, you’re the one who asked about it
John: So well - why does your wife bitch?
Darius: How long do we have? You do know she doesn’t hold the monopoly on this one. I’m sure even in her late 60s, your wife still bitches like she used to when she was in her 30s.
John: True.
Darius: So what was the last thing she bitched about
John: My son wanting money – and I gave him some.
Darius: He’s in his late 40s, right? And keeps coming back to daddy for help
John: It happens to the best of us
John: Why was your wife bitching
Darius: Take your pick – her having to remind me that dish washers don’t load themselves, or to take the trash out, or to sort out the guy who’s supposed to replace the front two tyres of the car
John: Do the tyres need replacing?
Darius: Yeah – we replace a pair each year – I did the back ones last year
John: And why haven’t you replaced the front ones?
Darius: Do you know how much they cost?
John: Does she?
Darius: She fell for the Kwik fit advert that suggests they have the bargain of the century for brand new tyres starting from £25. Recession busting they called it.
John: That sounds like a bargain of the century.
Darius: Yeah – from £25, they don’t tell you in the advert what Pirelli’s cost.
John: What do Pirelli’s cost?
Darius: Why the hell are we talking about tyres?
John: Actually, we’re talking about bitching and why you’re giving your wife reasons to bitch.
Darius: Hey – I also have occasion to bitch
John: Like when?
Darius: When she feeds an African man Risotto for dinner knowing full well that by 9 pm I’ll be hungry again
John: What’s wrong with Risotto
Darius: Nothing, I just don’t like the fucker, it does nothing for me
John: What else do you bitch about then?
Darius: Not much else, you know – Well, maybe the fights I have with my son over the ownership of my wife’s body
John: You do realise that none of you own her body
Darius: Tell that to the little bugger – besides, I have a different agenda with her body than he does
John: When was the last time you took your wife out on a date?
Darius: Don’t know – I think a couple of months ago when we went for dinner with J and H.
John: A double dinner date with friends doesn’t count. When did you last tell her to wear her favourite dress, got the baby sitter in and took her for a romantic dinner, just the two of you?
Darius: I guess I’ll have to do that this weekend then – and wipe that smirk off your face…(*he says with laughter*). I don’t want to get to the stage of her bitching that I only take her out to vote.
John: I’m only suggesting ways that you could as you say, win your wife’s body from your son – good old fashioned romance still works you know
Darius: Oh Yeah! When was the last time you got laid?
John: When was the last time you got laid?
Darius: You haven’t had some for a while, huh?
John: That would be telling.
Darius: So what’s your performance assessment of my marriage?
John: As far as I can tell, very normal – garden variety as they call it.
Darius: I guess I better find a restaurant I can afford.
John: Don’t forget the baby sitter.
John: What about other stuff – do you get time to see your friends?
Darius: Once in a while, I probably talk to them more on the phone
John: You still go out of your way to avoid drama
Darius: I don’t do it with intent – but I guess a bit of drama doesn’t hurt.
John: You’ll still have drama in your 70s with the few friends you’ll have
Darius: Tell me about it
John: Summer must have been depressing for you with the football season closed.
Darius: 8 days and counting – can’t wait for kick off at Goodison park
John: How do you think the Arsenal are going to do this season.
Darius: I have that feeling I had at the beginning of the 2007 season. Everyone wrote us off, but we bitchslapped the whole league until Martin Taylor decided to break our star player’s leg.
John: What does that feeling tell you for this season, why do you think you’ll do well
Darius: The team have been trialling a different format of Wengerball. Our problem last season is that teams predicted us like a nonsense and parked the bus in front of their goal and we couldn’t do anything about it and we were also bullied off the park by some unsavoury tactics.
John: What will change
Darius: Wenger is employing a playing system based on pace and depending on the clinical finishing of Arshavin and Eduardo to terrorize defences.
John: I like Arshavin, I think he’ll do really well for you and will probably be the best player this season
Darius: Yeah, I think with the new system of unleashing attacks at pace from our defence, we’ll spend less time pushing around the ball in midfield and have a better chance of terrorizing the unsuspecting defences, and even if it doesn’t work, the football will be played in their half and the pressure will make opponents panic and we love that.
John: You’ve got it all figured out, huh?
Darius: (*laughing*) if only Barnet could play like that
John: Hey – don’t knock Barnet, I’ve been supporting them long before you were born
John: You do know football is too emotional an outlet for most
Darius: Tell me about it
John: It’s good that your passionate about it and Arsenal, but what else do you do to keep yourself in check
Darius: You mean if I have the time
John: I’m suggesting you make the time to do something that helps you deal with undesirable energies
Darius: What now, you’re my shrink?
John: Does it matter?
Darius: Well, I watch some favourite shows on TV
John: What are you into at the moment?
Darius: I’m watching the last season of NCIS and re-runs of Spooks, though I’ve also managed to get round to watching the No. 1 Ladies Detective Agency. My wife and her friend used to have phone conferences to discuss the show and they’ve been bugging us (the husbands) to watch it.
John: And what did you think of it?
Darius: Actually, I think it’s a very good show – I haven’t finished all of them, but it’s very African. My only disappointment is that Jill Scott (who is a lovely person and actress) played the lead role yet there are hundreds of thousands of capable young African actresses…
John: The African activist in you is coming out, huh?
Darius: LOL
John: What else do you do? I mean on Darius time
Darius: I blog
John: This is this internet thing where you just write to folks out there in cyber space?
Darius: Yeah, something like that – but the lonely people out there actually respond, it’s not like radio where you don’t even have a clue if anyone is listening
John: And what do you write about?
Darius: Anything and everything – whatever my demons or angels tell me
John: Essentially – what’s in the agenda in the situation room
Darius: Something like that
John: Does your wife read your blog?
Darius: You know what – I have no idea, we’ve never really had that conversation – “sweetie, do you read my blog?”
John: Does she know you have one?
Darius: Of course she does, she chose the design and layout, and it’s right there on my Facebook profile
John: So do you ever think about doing fictional writing?
Darius: Does it pay well?
John: I don’t know, I’m not a writer
Darius: Then why do you want me to do it?
John: You write well, I’ve read some of your stuff – maybe your readers will enjoy reading your work
Darius: What’s in it for me?
John: You get to spend your time doing something therapeutic. It’s good for your work life balance.
Darius: There aren’t enough hours in a day
John: I’m not talking about writing a novel. You could write short stories
Darius: Maybe.
John: Think about it, it’ll give you an outlet that you could use your strengths in.
Darius: Are you suggesting I need to release some steam?
John: You said it.
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