Chicago Man Is 6 Months Pregnant: Doctors Certify As He is Set To Appear in Oprah
Who is listening in to your cell phone conversations? Plus how to protect yourself
I love to talk. I talk a lot. I have been called a chatter-box by more than one family member. Anyone who went to school in Kenya is familiar with the noisemakers list; a list of the names of any student who dared to speak in class while the teacher was out of the room. The classroom prefects and/or monitors were in charge of updating this list, which they would submit to the teacher upon his or her return. The teacher would call out the names, and one by one the noisemakers would make their way to the front of the classroom for a good ass-whooping. (I use this phrase both figuratively and literally because there were one or two male teachers who seemed to take great pleasure using the canes on our behinds as opposed to our hands) My fondness for talking was such that one teacher in particular threatened to punish any monitor or prefect who submitted a noisemakers list that did not include my name. As a result of this, my name would oftentimes be the only name on the noisemakers list. For all the beatings in the world, for all the having to kneel down on cold concrete floors with hands suspended above my head…I still love to talk.
As someone who loves to talk it is only natural that I find myself engaged in the all sorts of conversations. This in turn has exposed me to weird questions, annoying phrases, and strange words most of which I let slip by. There are however a few things that people have said/asked that have had me vowing never to speak again. These are my top three.
1. ‘So, how do you know so-and-so?’
This question can be heard at parties, especially birthday/house parties with the host’s name replacing ‘so-and-so’. The guest who asks this question is usually one who feels that they have known the host that much longer than you and by extension have more right to be there than you have. In the same way one will observe a dog lifting up its leg at every other lamppost as it goes about its daily walk on a familiar route; the guest who asks this question can be seen moving from person to person marking out those faces he or she does not recognise. If this guest stops at you and this is the first question they ask; you are the lamppost.
2. Use of terms of endearments by total strangers
I miss the days when Routemasters filled the streets of London and bus -conductors would struggle to keep their balance as they churned out tickets from what looked like a rather old cash register dangling from their necks. What I don’t miss is how every conductor would conclude their sentence with the words such as ‘love’, ‘sweetheart’ or ‘darling’. I could never understand what it was about asking for a single to Covent Garden that would inspire such affection from someone I did not know. This behaviour is not just limited to bus conductors. I had a Design and Technology teacher who would say things like ‘Alright sweet-pea?’ or ‘How are you doing my sweet and sour?’
As if this is not enough, the use of these phrases is not standardised. So for instance in Yorkshire one can be called ‘love’ by a stranger, in the West Country do not be surprised if someone refers to you as ‘my lover’. Here in Nigeria it is ‘baby’ or ‘babygirl’
What I dislike most about this sort of talk is that it is contagious. I have noticed that I now refer to anyone and everyone as ‘my dear’. Why I do it, I do not know. What I do know is that 99% of the people I use it on are not dear to me. It disturbs me greatly to know that I am part of the problem.
3. Archaic words/Big grammar* used in everyday conversation
I know exactly when my hatred for this behaviour began. It was when a security guard at work said to me;
‘Kui, are you ok? You look ee-MASH-EE-ated’
After he wrote it down for me I discovered the word was emaciated, which according to Mshairi is pronounced ee-may-see-ated. Whatever! The guard meant to that I had lost weight yet what he said to me was that I looked “thin or haggard, especially from hunger or disease.” Was there ever a greater conversation killer?
Since I have been in Nigeria I have heard people speak of ‘paucity of funds’ when what they mean is that they are broke, or ‘my peculiarities’ when everyone knows that is a nice way of saying ‘ I have issues’
While these sorts of words may have a place in written texts or even speeches delivered to a particular audience, in everyday conversation I find it breaks the flow. I end up focusing on the word itself and not what the person is saying. Lord help both of us if t is a word I have never heard of before because whatever story was being told shall have to be interrupted while I ask endless questions about the words meaning and origin.
*Baba Willy’s Pidgin dictionary defines big grammar as ‘long and difficult English words’
———–
Thanks to the Dr for his input on regional variations of the use of the word ‘love’.
Thanks to JKE too for helping me organise my thoughts.

Kelly, from the hottest new blog on the scene, recently wrote a post based on the movie Bucket list. In it Jack Nicholson and Morgan (good casting me thinks) have 6 months to live and they create a ‘bucket list’: This is a list of things that they want to do before they ‘kick the bucket’ (die). I thought to myself, what would I do if this, the year 2008 was my last year to live. So below is my rather idiosyncratic ‘bucket list’ of things I would definitely get done (in truth, a lot of them I will eventually do…but I digress)

1) Build my blog to the point that it’s my job and I no longer need to work: Imagine, I write, I reply to comments and I no longer have to have hand-to-hand combat with an alarm clock. Sigh!
2) Win or at least qualifying for a bodybuilding competition: It’ll depend on how the winner looks: if he looks like he eats steroids for breakfast, then qualifying is good enough.
3) Win a national and/or international hip hop dance competition: I am barely a dancer now. I am a pretty resourceful person and so I would love to know how I would get this done.
4) Become a public speaker to young African men: I know Carol, I should have already started. Soon and very soon….
5) Create my own clothing label and begin designing and retailing my own clothes: Clothes make the man, right? I want to be in full control of what I wear. Maybe make some change on the side….
6) Create my first ever movie and/or series (TV or radio): Ever since I saw the play ‘Lwanda’ I have always wanted to make a movie based on that play. I also absolutely loved BBC radio theatre when I heard it.
7) Travel home for many months and learn my native tongue: My mother is a Kikuyu from Rift Valley ( who speaks the more widely accepted version of Kikuyu) and my father is from Kirinyaga where they speak a type of Kikuyu that is grossly different from the norm. I want to learn both of them before I begin learning all languages in Kenya and then in Africa………..
I would love to see other people’s Bucket Lists, so Caustic, majonzi, gal africana, Sunny please share yours. My lovely readers, leave a comment below or write your own lists on your blog and link to mine and tell me what you would do before they put you six feet under (or cremate you or put you on a burning boat and set you out to the ocean or put you in a house for a week prior to digging a hole in the compound or……..:P )
Live like you will eventually die in every moment of your existence,
Mwangi
Breaking news from the Government Spokesman
Row, row, row your boat,
gently down the stream,
merrily merrily merrily merrily
Ah … Alfred …
Sorry, sorry.
Good morning, good morning, good morning. Greetings and salutations. Walapa, walapangaz and wasadily. What’s popping. What’s cooking. What’s crackalacking. Wazzup! For those who many not know me, my name is Alfred ‘Gummi Bear’ Mutua.
I am here to announce that there is white smoke! We have a cabinet!
PrincipalsI am pleased to observe that each of the 90 ministries shall have 2 Assistantt Ministes so Kenyans can be assured that work will be done.
Warm Regards
Alfred Mutua
Government Spokesman
© M for tHiNkEr'S rOoM, 2008. |
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UNOSAT has released the following map of pirate activity off the coast of Somalia in 2007. Fascinating map.
You can download the much larger and more detailed 6Mb PDF of the map here, or you can click on the image above to see a larger jpg of it.
[via War & Health and Humanitarian.info]
What has angered many Kenyans is the fact that the political class has completely ignored calls from the electorate for a lean government. Greed and the true nature of the main politicians we have in the country have taken over and Kenyans who have doubted what we have been saying in this blog for over two years now have finally been able to see first hand the truth for themselves.
Sadly there are still attempts at hero worship of politicians even when they have clearly failed Kenyans and let down the masses badly. Contrary to what some people think this hero worship tendency is not limited to ODM and their charismatic leader. It is in fact evident right across the political landscape.
And it starts with President Kibaki. A section of Kenyans voted for Kibaki when they knew very well that in his first term he had already failed clearly to show leadership in the country in many areas. The truth is that his administration limped from one crisis to another as the results of failing to take decisions became very clear for all to see. It is instructive that a vast majority of the president’s votes came from one tribe. If this is not hero worship of an individual along tribal lines where their shortcomings are conveniently swept under the carpet, then I probably do not know the meaning of the words.
The Kamba community displayed clear signs of the same hero worship for Kalonzo Musyoka, a spineless politician best known for hiding in the toilet of the national assembly during important votes and for sending hecklers to disrupt funerals of perceived opponents even when they are women mourning the passing on of their mothers.
The Kalenjin are not any better and their hero is one William Ruto. Nobody wants to be reminded of the corruption cases linked to Ruto, nor how he really made his money. In fact ODM insiders said very clearly when choosing Musalia Mudavadi as Raila’s running mate, that the only reason why they overlooked Ruto was because of his tainted past. In my latest raw notes I discuss the real reason but little known secret about why the Kalenjin community hero worship this young politician.
Then there is Raila “Safaricom-IPO-buy-don’t-buy-buy” Odinga who can do no wrong in the eyes of some Kenyans. Yet he has to be the biggest culprit of all because so many Kenyans placed their entire hopes in the hands of Raila and turned up in large numbers to vote for him. These Kenyans have refused to believe their eyes in recent times as the usually decisive Raila has shown clear signs of becoming another can’t-make-clear-cut-decisions-Mwai-Kibaki. The Safaricom IPO fiasco is a case in point and indeed a time bomb waiting to explode in Raila’s face.
What do you think ordinary folk will say if after the Safaricom shares begin trading the price falls rather than goes up and hundreds of thousands of Kenyans with loans hanging over their heads are forced to sell at a lower price and taken in losses. Do you think they will not remember that Raila told the people to go ahead and purchase the shares?
It is clearly time for Kenyans to start thinking of a new generation of leaders. As the saying goes, you can’t teach old dogs new tricks.
Chicago Man Is 6 Months Pregnant: Doctors Certify As He is Set To Appear in Oprah
Who is listening in to your cell phone conversations? Plus how to protect yourself

Despite the big economic crisis that has been facing Zimbabwe; the ZSE has managed to post very impressive performance two years in a row, 2005 and 2006, beating the high inflation rate that plagues the country according to The Africa Stock Exchanges Association (ASEA). Thanks to the on going stocks rally, the ZSE market is now worth a staggering Z$405 trillion in market capitalization, after rising a steep 275 percent in just three days this week.
While market capitalization (value of a company calculated by multiplying the number of shares in issue by the current stock price) does not reflect the actual performance of a company, it provides a useful guide to movements in the share price of a listed company. The huge increase in the market capitalization of the 75 listed companies in ZSE suggests, obviously, that the amount of trade is so high. This begs the question; why does the ZSE perform so well when everything is apparently in turmoil?
Ideologically, a country’s stock market performance should reflect the performance of the economy. But in the case of Zimbabwe, this does not apply. Institutional investors and individuals from South Africa and Britain are simply eyeing the stock market in the belief that
The remaining three constituencies (out of the 210 that exist) will be determined by by-elections following the deaths of three candidates prior to the March 29th elections: Pelandaba/Mpopoma, Gwanda South, and Redcliff
prices will soar if and when Mr. Mugabe steps down and investors regain confidence in the country. This has therefore led to a mad rush for the listed stocks, making the market to have an exceptional bull run in a slump economy.
Further more, negative interest rates and inflation have caused a stampede for assets, which have driven share prices to record highs, even in real terms. To these investors – both legitimate and crooks – the early bird catches the worm, and in this case there are too many birds that came in early. The ZSE boom simply reflects profits that have been made on paper while, on the ground, several businesses have gone bankrupt. This pseudo profits, for the foreign investors, could yet vanish into thin air because of currency controls that make it difficult to take money out of the country.
The stocks rally may also be because there are very few investment options that can provide real returns in Zimbabwe. Most of the other investment options like mining and land ownership lost their value after most of the European investors moved out due to the turbulent political climate in the country. Hard-line policies by the Zimbabwe government created an inherent risk that most investors were left with the stocks market as the only viable investment. Investors know where good returns are, and the ZSE is one of them. This is why it’s performing above all markets in Africa.
The ZSE’s future in the short run indicates a continued upside. Equities are the only other best form of investment in a hyperinflationary environment such as the one existing in Zimbabwe. At the moment, there is no reason for an immediate stop in the Bull Run. But as the demand for stocks continue to sore, the market capitalization will eventually reduce. Stocks which are absurdly overvalued will lose more than proportionately when normalcy returns and the market may even be faced with an eminent crash.
The viability of the decision to invest in the future of Mugabe’s tenure in power is simply a wrong investment factor. It is not a good sign for the ZSE, especially for a country whose economy is indicating otherwise. It’s only a matter of time before the stocks market follows the downward trend that the Zimbabwe economy has taken, and when that happens there will be no redeeming of losses.