Last evening, I saw the conspicuous Toyota Corolla that belongs to a middle aged man who lives in my neighborhood. It was sandwiched between two other cars, in a parking lot at the local shopping centre. And as if its bright red color was not visible enough, it was liberally covered in a film of fine red dust. The dust comes from the red coffee soil that is predominant in Kiambu District. I then recalled that it must have been the day that the middle aged man buried his daughter who passed away earlier in the week after being involved in as accident in Northern Kenya.
Each time I contemplate what it might feel like for a parent to lose a child, I often remember what I witnessed when my older sister died 10 years ago. It was 10 days before the Christmas of 1996, and everyone around us was clearly in the festive mood. That evening, I remember hearing music and happy voices from a neighbor’s house as the family celebrated the graduation of their daughter from the university. In contrast, the mood in our household was somber as friends and relatives began trickling in to console us. Everything seemed like a dream. Earlier that day, I had witnessed the anguish that my parents went through when they learnt that my sister had died.
She had been in hospital for a few days and on that Saturday, she was bright and cheery since apart from her husband, parents, brothers and sister, many other friends and relatives had stopped by to say hello. And then at a moment that only my mother was at her bedside, she died.
When we saw my hysterical mother running from her room while screaming at the top of her voice and an emergency team running into the same room from the opposite direction, we were all thrown into confusion. Personally, I thought it was all a mistake since I had just spoken with her a short while before. But within a short while, our worst fears were confirmed. It was around 3.30 in the afternoon.
No one seemed to know what to do. My mother was still hysterical, and my brother and I were trying to contain her. My father seemed dazed. And then as if snapping out of a trance, he came over and took hold of his wife’s hand. He then looked into her streaming eyes and asked in his stern Kikuyu voice, “Nyina wa Masharia, nĩ maũndũ maigana tũonete hamwe?” What that meant was, “How many other storms have we weathered together?” As soon as her husband asked her that question, she immediately calmed down and was to remain composed throughout the mourning period. I could tell from both their faces that something big had changed in their lives. I wonder if the man with the red car has a similar look in his face.
When my second born sister died at 29, my parents had been married for over 30 years. Now they have been together for over 40 years. What ups and downs have they experienced together in those years? One thing that I am sure about is that they are each other’s greatest supporters. I remember once when I walked away in indignation after a protracted argument with my father, my mother ran after me. On catching up, she said one of those things that people like her say only once in a very long time; “Your father is a difficult man. Consider what you would do if you had to live with him every day? You should try to understand him and take him as he is.”
What she had just told me is that she had managed to live with my father all those years because she tried to understand him and chose to accept him just the way he is. I suppose that for them to get through each day together, they had to make that decision daily. Days turn into weeks, weeks turn into months, and months into years. And through it all, people go through ups and downs together, weathering storms that only the two of them know about.
In these days when relationships seem so hard to sustain, a person might be tempted to give up on longer term arrangements like marriage. Many individuals who have dreams of getting married cannot seem to find the ‘right’ partner with whom they can stay with long enough to make the short walk down the aisle. Something always seems to be lacking. And yet, many other couples are deciding to give themselves to each other each day. Whether we are by ourselves or with a partner in this journey, let us continue to ask God for trust, belief and faith in ourselves and in others.
Guess, you still are in our minds.
22:06
