Nephew # 3,

Exactly one week ago today you made a grand entrance. I could accuse you of twiddling your thumbs on the way over but I’m not even sure you know what thumbs are, much less how to twiddle the dang things.

Anyhow you have a long life ahead of you. I suppose it will be full of apologies, ngotos and swift kicks in the pants for making us wait for you. Of course these punishments may be eliminated in exchange of such things as your birthday money, first paycheck and such. Shiny trinkets may also lessen the wrath in store for you.

David Javerbaum, a GED-toting amateur obstetrician, recommended we get you this book for your in utero reading assignments. We were not quite sure how to get it to you seeing as how neither UPS™, DHL™ nor EMS SpeedPost™ would have delivered it to your last known residence. The Postal Order of the Umbilical Cord deemed this package too bulky thus unsafe for delivery within their vast network of  err… bloody capillaries. (That was not a cuss word as the capillaries are quite bloody.)

This is how you missed growing a few million brain cells while all your lucky Mozart-listening, meconium producing peers were gormandizing on highbrow society etiquette, projectile vomiting and the mechanics of a well executed somersault in the womb.

Losing childhood for the want of hybrid noodle

Aren’t you glad you came to such a lazy easy-going family? Take it from me. You are not missing much. Turns out we may have saved your precious tiny neurons depending on how you look at it. Research showed that playing Mozart for your baby AND your tomato plants (ah!! the uncanny semblance is unnerving) stimulates their tiny cells to multiply faster.  A more recent study has since shown that wannabe Baby Einsteins are not any better off and may in fact have fried their noggins.  Herein lies your first lesson; statistics are beguiling pliable opinions  dressed in their Sunday best.

The  general rule of statistics covered above applies to people too. For a crash course, here are the first five people you will need to know. Of course the list is not exhaustive as it does not include other family members and the numerous strangers who will soon be lining up to pinch your cheeks or talk gibberish and make you smile.

I could carry on and on but I see you are nodding off, not to mention in desperate need of a fresh diaper. I am glad you are here. I look forward to sharing with you my cup of jaded wisdom. Shall we do this again soon?

Welcome to the world, tomato baby.

I love you.

your aunt Dee

p.s.

Watch out for the smallest human in that house. Despite housebreaking him, he still goes semi-caveman every now and then. He is a line backer in the making and has been known to tuck you under his armpit as if you were a football. I could also tell you that he does not bite and scratch but I would be lying. In our defense, we have him declawed on a weekly basis and several doctors have discouraged our valiant attempts to procure rabies shots for your personal safety.You are on your own in that department. I suggest you develop an early warning system like quite literally, sleeping with your ear to the ground. He is as gentle as a bull in a China shop and as equally graceful. Long term plans are however recommended as  irrefutable intel says he is petitioning for a pair of wings as we speak.

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