I Pledge (no) Allegiance to the Shake
I am not a member of the twig and berries brigade. As such I don’t understand the complexities of having my baby makers dangling in every whichever merry way, especially when they are unrestrained. However, were I to belong to this demographic section making up roughly half of the world population I would make a few life-threatening changes to their bathroom manner.
During dinner a couple of days ago, a fellow who shall forever remain nameless excused himself. Saying he had to see a man about a horse, he made a bee line for the can. Several minutes later, he emerged looking quite pleased with himself. I assumed he had made a successful run. As he got ready to sit, his ummmm.. midsection came into my line of vision. And that is when I saw them.
Jeering at me from a light blue cotton background were the three most annoying pee drops this side of the urinal. They dared me to make a swipe at them and in the process, make contact with his privates. I resisted. I handed him his napkin, willing him to sit down and cover up his shortcomings. (Bonus points if you catch the double entendre) He picked it up briefly then set it down again on the table.
I lost it. The untamed female baboon in me howled and screamed in disgust. The disgust then gave way to anger. I sent subliminal messages to the maitre‘d to hide all cleavers, knives, forks and folks below a certain body weight who could easily convert into human missiles. I signaled the waiter for the check.
Back to the task at hand, you be the judge. At the top of the page is a generic presentation of the facilities he visited. Si you and I see the lack of wiping options a.k.a. tissue anywhere near the equipment? Now, can we all conclude that these were not water drops?
Defense will be quick to point that the picture does not show the entire facilities, that there are wiping options available off the frame. Two facts arise to refute this assertion i.e. there is no proper way of disposing the TP without backing up the urinal and the sheer logistics of getting from the urinal to the wiping station (with the family wares dangling merrily) to a space off the frame would be a nightmare for even the manliest of men. This leads me to the conclude that the shake is alive and well in male bathrooms.
I was seeing this fellow to vet his candidacy in becoming my life partner. I have since X-ed him from the short list of candidates with a nails-on-chalkboard kind of vengeance. He has had his equipment all his life and does not know how to handle it. How then, can I trust him with mine? Three tiny drops after the shake tell alot about a person. The first rule of nature is self preservation followed by propagation. I will always preserve my sanity before taking steps into propagation.
If I had the power within me, I would vote this whole sub-section of humans out of the gene pool. Now you and I know that the pope frowns on this kind of uncomely behavior. (more double entendre, anyone?) The only option left is to strongly suggest a better bathroom etiquette with refresher courses and impromptu continous assessment tests. Of course, you need not request. I will volunteer my services as the chief examiner 
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First you so can write. You are making this queen language look so easy.
With that said, let me tetea the ka dumped dude. The rule of thump at the urinal is 5 to 6 hard shakes after the business. But as fate would have it sometimes some pee decideds to hid in there pending the return of the tool back to the pants. Then they drop so fast somewhere they will make sure even a blind person can see them.
The man conondrum now is either to hide in the bathroom the rest of the night, or go back to the table praying that no one sees what those three stupid droplets caused. Worse is it only happens when you are wearing something conspicous like bright red pants (do men ever)
My advise to him would have been, after washing the hands, they should have taken a napkin and gone ahead and wiped a couple of sports on their bright red pants. Those splotches pasted everywhere could have only confused you what he had been doing in the bathroom rather than discover it was that last peelet, drop let that refused to be left at the urinal.
And maybe that night he would have been lucky to leave other drops somewhere else, hehehehe
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@ MUK
asante sana.
Ati 5-6 hard shakes? *shudders* I don’t own this kind of equipment but si that’s painful?
I insist they just provide TP to avoid these kinds of mishaps. When three droplets dry up they can reduce a grown man to a diaper toting toddler.
About those drops elsewhere….
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Its quite simple actually. When done do a pelvic thrust forward like MJ/MC Hammer but hold forward. Shake twice left, once right, pause, twice right, once left, pause. Then up and down diagonal like its the chequered flag. LOL. Depending on whether fully done, some squeegee like action may be necessary to extract modicums/modica LMAO!
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The Shake SAT…
Dorcas can you assure me that as a woman you do not use panty liners because you sponge up every last drop of pee and never experience incidences of droplets of pee dropping good thing women wear panties coz i am sure we would see trickles down to their ankles
? I would love to crucify all women and say a blanket statement like “women are so judgmental”, but i will desist as i am currently attending an Stereotypers anonymous meeting.
Dorcas i would like to register for your Shake SAT. But it should be carried out by an independent body preferable hermaphrodites or transsexuals to minimize bias.
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hahahahaha Milo that was graphic but hehehehe that should work.
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@ blurp
“i am currently attending an Stereotypers anonymous meeting”
When is the next intake. All kenyans need this class
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Msema Ukweli Kabisa Class is full for this year, but i will keep you posted when its open.. Dorcas you are free to join.
I saw someone called wantai looking for this ad..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nphe6O8TXy8
Mtu amuonyeshe..
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Did it ever occur to you guys it could have been water after washing his hands? Cut a guy some slack.
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Ah! the dilemma of the male species.
As said above, people in glass houses shouldn’t throw rocks around, especially when sporting apanty liners…
But then again, it doesn’t change the fact that there is no remedy for the dreaded rebound.
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Hey Di am sorry for the guy. I really am….. and to think it’s something that he should have known better.
But am all for the refresher class and while you are at it can you remind them to keep those finger nails clean
coz we ladies are always looking and when you see this kind of accidents then you are met with
questionable finger nails it does not take a genious to add two and two together and flee…
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@Msema Ulweki Kabisa @Milo
I am enlisting you to be the co-chief examiners. Payment upon proof of services rendered.
@Blurp, @Darius Stone
At least we (women) are active not reactive in solving these issues. Yes?
Blurp, I will be honored to join your Stereotypers Annon. group.
@murmaid
My stubborn imagination will not let me think of those possibilities. Kwanza if it was maji, how did he wipe those remaining drops? Wacha tu the stench to follow after the drops air dry.
@Jackline
Got issues much?
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What load of manure! Ati fluid from his point P:- onto his fabric is nauseating, but I’ll b happy to have his aforesaid point P:- on ma most sensitive anatomies? In fact, I can hav some of his unmentionable fluid on my lips (dig)? Spare me, oh females. Now, to the shake. Its silly 2 use tissue on a phallus. What? We been shakin the thing 4 millenia-No sweat, no wetting of paper or fingers, cleanly & neatly. Now this brigade wants to pussywhip even our peeing?
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You must be one interesting woman. Jamaa,obviously came running back to listen to you and this is what he gets?
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